[this chapter contains mentions of substance ab/use]
BLAKE
"Is it weird that I told Logan I love him?"
Blake was laying back on his bed, one arm folded behind his head, the other holding his phone on his stomach. Olivia's face glowed from the screen.
After Logan had hung up, his little sister called him. Normally, Blake would've rejoiced that she wasn't mad anymore and been jubilant that he was popular with his siblings for once, but he knew that a tense and anxious Logan meant a tense and anxious Olivia. And if both of them called in a panic after Logan had snapped at her, that meant something was up.
But for right now, he just concentrated on one thing at a time.
"No," he said gently. "Why would it be?"
Olivia's face scrunched up like it always did when she was frustrated. "I don't know. I told him and he got all awkward and he looked like I told him someone died and so I tried to be normal but now I don't know if I just made everything so weird!"
Her voice got more and more panicked as she talked and by the end, she sounded desperate. Blake knew he should be more sympathetic, but the entirety of the situation and Olivia's cluelessness made him laugh. "Logan is weird, Liv," he said. "You can't make it more weird."
"But what does that mean?"
Blake sucked his laughter back in. She wasn't going to feel better if he wasn't serious. "It means he telepathically told you he loves you too," he said, something he'd learned over the years. "Just because he's forgotten how to say the words back doesn't mean he doesn't feel them. And that's why we say it to him, in the hopes that one day he'll remember."
Olivia wrinkled her nose. "I don't think it was like that."
"It was like that," Blake promised.
"No, it doesn't sound right."
"Why?" Blake probed. He knew Logan had snapped at her, but he didn't want her to know Logan had told him about it. "Did something happen?"
"I think I made him more mad and stressed. It's stupid."
"It's not stupid," Blake said gently. "You want to tell me?"
"No. It's stupid. I just bothered him when he was busy."
She stared glumly at the screen. Blake's heart hurt. It wasn't stupid that she wanted to remember her mom or that she missed her. It wasn't stupid that Logan was terrified of giving her this piece of him. But it was stupid that both of those things should come to a cross right this very moment and make them both feel stupid for things that were understandable and they couldn't control.
He couldn't tell Olivia he knew what happened, but he wanted so badly to tell her it wasn't dumb.
"Logan should be bothered sometimes," he said finally. "Sometimes he gets into this shell where he thinks he doesn't want any outside contact, but the truth is, deep down inside where he can't admit it to himself, he does. He does want to be told that he is loved and he does want to be bothered by his cute little sister."
"Blake!"
"As I was saying, don't feel bad about bothering him. I bother him as much as possible so that he remembers he has a little brother who wants to talk to him. And even if I feel like he might get mad at me, sometimes I do it anyways. It's not bothering. It's you pulling him out of his crab shell so he can be a part of this family. Yeah?"
"I don't know...that doesn't make any sense..."
Blake rolled his eyes. "Okay, so what if I lost my train of thought while I talked? I know it made sense to me. So don't think it's stupid okay? Because it's not."
"If you say so."
"I do say so. And Logan loves you from the bottom of his black and blue heart. And I love you from the very very bottom of my romantic and mushy heart."
That made her smile, which made Blake smile. "I love you too," she said. "I'm going to go to sleep now. Good night!"
Blake blew her a kiss. "Bye, good night, Liv!"
As he was reaching under his bed for his charger, Andy strolled into his room, hands in his sweatpants pockets.
"Didn't know you were a mushy romantic," he said casually.
Blake hurled a pillow at him. "You were eavesdropping!"
Andy put his arms on Blake's shoulders and leaned in and made exaggerated kissing noises. Blake shoved at his chest and began to laugh so hard half in embarrassment and half at Andy's goofiness that tears came to his eyes. He put his hands against Andy's shoulders, pushing him away and laughing.
"Mwah, mwah, Blake, I gift you kisses right from the bottom of my mushy heart to the bottom of your romantic one," Andy teased.
Blake turned his face away from the spray of spit inadvertently getting in his face, laughing so hard he could barely breathe. "You are the worst! Oh god, get away from me!"
"I've already found out your secret. What's the best way to woo a romantic, huh? Walks on the beach? Someone who cooks for you? Handwritten notes?"
Blake ducked Andy's flailing arms. "I don't know anything about being wooed!" he insisted. "Let me go!"
Andy raised an eyebrow. "I guess I'll have to teach you then." He puckered his lips grotesquely and attacked him again and Blake was nearly crying from laughter so he didn't realize that he had slid to the edge of the bed in his attempt to get away.
One more attack by Andy and Blake scooted yet another inch to the right - and he slid right off the side of the bed.
Firm, warm arms shot out and tried to close around his middle to stop his fall for a brief few seconds before Andy's hands lost their grip on his shirt.
Blake slammed into the floor elbow first. Electricity shot up his funny bone.
"Shit!" He groaned and curled into a ball on the floor, cradling his elbow and fingers.
"Was that romantic enough for you?" Andy crowed. Blake didn't even have to open his eyes to know he was smirking.
"How was that romantic?" he demanded incredulously.
"I caught you!"
"You dropped me!"
"Shit, sorry," Andy said, smiling wolfishly, not moving an inch from his vantage point five feet above Blake's groans.
"You are terrible, you know that, right?"
"I guess I just can't compete with the romantic, can I?"
"Stop," Blake groaned. "Don't make me laugh more, my stomach hurts."
"Sure, whatever you say."
Andy finally bent down to haul him off the floor by his uninjured elbow and deposit him unceremoniously on his bed. Then he flopped down on the opposite side of the bed, arms folded behind his head. He gestured vaguely to Blake's phone.
"Logan's your brother, isn't he?" Andy asked.
Blake nodded. "Yeah. Why?"
"Why'd she ask you if he...when she told him...ah, never mind."
But Blake understood his question. "We didn't grow up together from when I was eight until seventeen. She lived with her mom for a long time before she lived with us," he explained. "She's much better at it now but she still sometimes is not entirely comfortable at understanding the whole sibling thing."
"I see. So she asks you?"
"No, usually, her and Logan figure it out. They've gotten better. But sometimes when it's a bit serious she asks me in case because she's afraid she's offended him." Blake nodded to Andy. "What about you? You have siblings?"
"Yeah. I've got an older sister."
"Right, you mentioned her once. The ugly crier, apparently?"
Andy laughed. "How come that is the only thing that stuck?"
"You didn't mention anything else!" Blake defended. "What's her name?"
"Michelle. She's four years older than me."
"Is she like you or - you know, more normal?"
Andy rolled his eyes. "Ha ha. Very funny."
"It wasn't a joke."
This time, Blake laughed at Andy's annoyed expression. "Well, go on," he prompted when Andy didn't offer anything more about his sister.
Andy's smile was small, his lips a thin line. "Um...you know. She's complicated."
Blake understood he didn't want to talk about it at the moment. He playfully toed Andy's shoulder with his foot. "Aren't they all," he said, and he changed the subject.
*****
Since Elijah's case was closed, the law stated that anyone was eligible to file a request to see the entirety of the case report. Blake had filed for a request weeks ago, and after several back and forth emails, he finally had been emailed a copy.
There were 562 pages.
Blake put on Andy's blue light glasses, opened the first page, and started to read.
Just as he was starting to doze off on the tenth page, a ringing startled him awake. He sat upright and squinted through the glasses, trying to see until he realized he wasn't wearing his own glasses and therefore was half blind. He clumsily switched them out and tried to orient himself to reality.
It was Andy's phone, ringing in his room across the hall. The shower was running, meaning Andy wasn't about to get it anytime soon. He always took ages in the shower until it ran out of hot water.
Blake sighed in relief when the phone went to voicemail and found his place on his computer again, only for the ringing to start up again.
He wanted to pull his ears off. He hated it when Andy left his ringer on and disappeared.
He was debating whether or not he was motivated enough to get out of bed to go silence his phone when Andy yelled from the bathroom.
"Blake!" he called, his voice muffled by the running water. "Why do they keep calling? Can you see who that is?"
"It's probably just a scam!"
"Can you check anyway?"
"Just call them when you get out!"
"No! What if it's important?"
Blake rubbed his eyes. Andy was a very relaxed person, but for some reason, he was obsessive with phone calls. He always kept his ringer on and at the highest volume so he would hear his calls from miles away, and he always picked up every single call, never giving a thought to whether it was a scam or not. It drove Blake crazy.
But if it was so important to him that he was asking Blake to pick up the phone while he was in the shower, Blake wasn't going to argue.
"You owe me if this turns out to be a scam!" he warned.
"Fine, just hurry!"
Blake sighed and was just getting out of his comfortable bed when the phone finally quit ringing. "They stopped!" he yelled back at Andy.
Except then it started up a third time.
"Blake!" Andy shouted. "Pick up the goddamn phone!"
"Alright, alright, I'm getting it!"
"And don't let it go to voicemail this time!"
"Quit giving me orders while you're butt naked!"
"Just get the phone!"
Blake snatched Andy's phone off his desk and hurriedly clicked the accept button without checking the caller ID. To his relief, there was a real person on the other end.
"My name is Jason and I'm calling from Brookside Health Services. Is this Andy Chen?"
Blake had no idea what Brookside was. Maybe they were calling about a doctor's appointment. He glanced in the direction of the shower. Andy had told him to pick up the phone. "This is he," he said.
"Sir, I apologize to be calling you this late. And I am so sorry to have to tell you that we can't locate your sister."
"The fuck?" Blake blurted incredulously. "How the hell do you lose someone's sister?"
"Sir, we apologize-"
But Blake wasn't listening. He put himself on mute and banged on the bathroom door. "Dude! There's some freak saying he can't find your sister? What the hell?"
The shower immediately shut off and there was a jangle of the shower rings as the curtain was ripped back. Andy's feet squeaked across the tiles.
The door opened a crack. "Give me the fucking phone." Andy's voice from behind the door was tight, like a rubber band stretched too far, about to snap.
Blake passed the phone between the gap and Andy shut the door.
Andy never raised his voice in anger, ever. Not when Blake left the dishes in the sink three days in a row, not when Blake overheated pasta in the microwave and they had to replace parts in the appliance, not when Blake forgot to pay the electric bill and all their lights were shut off.
But now he began to yell.
"What do you mean you can't find my sister?" he demanded. "Why is she there if you can't even makes sure that she's-"
The thundering of shower water started up, muffling the rest of his voice.
Blake knew Andy didn't want him to hear - why else would he turn the water back on - but he stood with his back beside the bathroom door, staring at the wall opposite, Andy's voice filling his ears.
What had Andy said about his sister? That she was complicated? But if she was four years older, she didn't need somebody watching her at all times to make sure she didn't get lost, surely.
The bathroom door banged open and Andy stomped out, his phone back in his pocket, his clothes half wet, hair dripping onto his shoulders and the floor, shirt on backwards. He disappeared into his room and Blake quickly slid into the bathroom to shut off the still-running water.
Andy almost ran him down as he came out, his cap covering his wet hair, car keys in his hand.
"Whoa, where are you going?" Blake asked.
Andy shoved past him. "Out."
Blake had never seen Andy like this. His chest grew tight.
"Is she okay?" he said hesitantly.
"It's fine." Andy swiped at his eyes. "Don't worry about it."
Blake plucked up the courage he reserved specifically for really difficult family situations and side stepped in front of Andy. "Wait, hold on," he said. "You are in no state to drive yourself."
Andy glared at him and clutched his keys harder. "This is really none of your business, Blake."
"I know you don't mean that." Blake tried to keep his voice steady, but inside, his stomach was flipping uncontrollably. He felt nauseous.
He was scared shitless.
At least with his siblings, he knew how to figure out the problem. With them, he usually knew how far he could go, and even if he went too far, he knew they still loved him. He knew it would be okay between them because they were family and they would work it out.
But he didn't want to ruin this with Andy.
Andy, who drank coffee at night not only when he had assignments to finish but also to stay awake with Blake when he couldn't sleep, plagued with Elijah's trial.
Andy, who could make even Olivia feel safe when she constantly looked over her shoulder for monsters in every shadow and every corner.
Andy, who knew that when Blake was hunched over his laptop too long it meant he was spiraling down a rabbit hole of murder cases and drug lords and would find it necessary to plop down beside him on the bed and talk to him until it got his mind off it.
Andy, who was nearly shaking in front of him right now, with anger or panic, Blake did not know, but what kind of friend would he be if he let his best friend go out alone like this?
Blake mustered up all his courage, and he snatched the keys from Andy's hand.
"I'm driving," he said tremulously, his heart beating a million miles a second, thrashing against his lungs.
Please don't be mad at me, please, you mean too much.
Andy glared at him for a few seconds that went into forever, their staring contest making both their eyes water, or maybe it was something else.
Blake didn't look away. For once, he was going to show Andy that he could rely on him too.
Eventually, Andy was the one to give in. He looked to the side and swiped at his eyes again. "Fine," he said. "But if you crash my car, I'm kicking you out."
Blake kept his mouth shut about the fact that the apartment was under his name. "Come on, let's go."
*****
They didn't talk while Blake drove. Andy put an address into Blake's phone that was thirteen minutes away and set it into the phone holder. Then he rested his arm against the side of his seat and stared blankly out the dark window.
Blake's skin crawled. He didn't know where they were driving to, he didn't know what was going on with Andy's sister, and he didn't know how the hell he was supposed to bring any of this up to Andy. So for the time being, he focused on the road in front of him and tried to focus on inhaling and exhaling so he wouldn't accidentally hold his breath and pass out.
Thirteen minutes later, he turned into a neighborhood where there were more burnt out bulbs in the street lamps than ones that were working. They pulled up to a small, run-down house where the shingles in the roof were half missing and the lawn was overrun with weeds. There was a car with a duct taped windshield out in the driveway.
"Wait here," Andy said briefly, and before Blake could ask him if this was safe, he shut the passenger door and jogged up to the front door of the house.
A tall, dark-haired young man with tattoos adorning his shaved head opened the door. Blake couldn't see him too well from this distance and with just the dim light coming from inside the house, but he could hear their voices getting louder and louder. Just when he was wondering if he should call the police, the man shut the door with a loud bang. Andy furiously wiped his cheek and shoved his hands in his hair and gave the front door a mighty kick.
Blake winced. Andy clutched his foot and cursed loudly.
By the time he got back in the passenger seat, he was shaking slightly.
Blake took a deep breath. "Are we....still looking for your sister?" he asked tentatively.
"Yes."
"I'm not sure if-"
"Just be quiet, Blake."
With trembling hands, Andy pulled Blake's phone from the holder. He licked his dry lips and stared into the screen in his hands, his eyes gleaming in the harsh light. Then he shakily typed in another address and set it back in the phone holder.
"Drive, please."
Blake did as he asked, but his brain was churning with confusion. For once, he was at a loss for what to do. He tried to remember what it was like when Olivia first came to live with them, how he'd gently coaxed her into watching movies with him and making pancakes for breakfast and laughing at Elijah's expense with her. It hadn't been so hard back then.
Why, then, was he overthinking it with Andy?
After another nine minutes of silence, as they were driving along the freeway, with no houses around for miles this time, the GPS chirped. "You have reached your destination."
Blake squinted out at the darkness, but there was nothing there. He kept driving, glancing alongside the freeway for a turn or an exit.
"Stop here," Andy said suddenly.
"Andy, there's nothing here-"
"Just pull over and stop the car!"
Blake screeched to a stop on the shoulder. Andy got out and slammed his door shut, walking off on the gravel shoulder towards a barrier that separated the freeway from the underside of a bridge that went over a large river. It was dark under the bridge.
It was dangerous.
It was no place to be alone at night.
Blake turned on his hazard lights so no one would hit Andy's car. He turned on his high beams so it wasn't so pitch black outside.
He turned off the car. He gritted his teeth and nervously rubbed his fingers together.
"Shit," he said under his breath. "Shit, shit, shit."
This was so not what he imagined when he said he would drive.
What on earth could make Andy so desperate?
"Shit," he whispered one last time, and he got out of the car and ran after him.
He carefully climbed over the barrier with much less ease and practice than Andy had done moments before. Gravel crunched underfoot, making his legs unsteady. He nearly stumbled over an old, rusted tire he didn't originally see in the darkness.
"Andy, come on, there's no one here-" he tried.
"I have to check by the water."
"It's too dark to see anything-"
"What if she's in the water?" he shouted, his hoarse voice rattling every single one of Blake's ribs against his lungs.
They stood there, face to face, Andy breathing hard. Blake tried not to think about bodies in the water. He tried not to think about bodies at all. The fact that Andy was even considering this was beyond crazy. The fact that Andy was considering that his sister would be in the water was insane.
"Okay," Blake said in a small voice. "Let's check the water."
But there was no one on the embankment and no one in the water. Blake was still nervous that Andy hadn't found his sister, but he was relieved that hadn't found her in this godforsaken underpass.
As they were walking back, Blake's steps became heavier. His heart felt like a bowling ball slowly squashing its way through all his organs to his feet.
What the hell was he supposed to do?
Don't overthink everything. Just feel. Just do.
Blake gave himself a little pinch. He clenched all his fingers together. Then he let go and made up his mind.
He turned around before they got to the car and he grasped Andy by the shoulders and held onto him, even when he tried to pull away.
"Andy, wait. Look at me. Look at me!"
Blake gave him a gentle shake, holding him tighter. He tried not to wince at the murderous look in Andy's eyes. Blake had decided to do this. He was going to go through with it.
"I see that you're scared, okay?" he said as gently as he could. "I do. I see it. But this isn't right. This is dangerous. We're going to weird places and I don't think it's safe for you. Or anyone."
Andy's eyebrows were in one, hard line across his forehead. "You don't know what you're talking about," he snapped.
"Then tell me what's happening."
Andy yanked away from him. He brushed his sleeve under his eyes. "If that was your sister, wouldn't you look for her?" he demanded. "Look me in the eyes and tell me that you would not do anything to find your brother or your sister if they were missing."
Blake couldn't even imagine Andy's pain. He couldn't imagine Logan or Olivia or Elijah being missing and not knowing where they were, whether they were dead under a bridge somewhere or buried in some shady guy's backyard.
"Okay," he said softly. "You're right. I would do anything. There's nothing I wouldn't do. But first, I would take a deep breath and tell my roommate what was going on so we could figure it out together."
"That's bullshit."
"That's the truth." Blake felt weird inside of his chest. He hadn't bared this much of his soul to anyone in years. He could tell his siblings he loved them all day long, but this was something else entirely. This was new. This was scarier. But he had to stop Andy.
"I trust you," Blake told him. "I would tell you anything. So please trust me too. I'm going to help you."
A short, humorless laugh escaped him. "Sometimes, people can't be helped."
"And sometimes, they think they can't, but they can." Blake reached out for him again. "Your sister's not here, right? Let's go back to the car and you can tell me what's going on. And then we'll find her."
Blake finally managed to pull Andy all the way back to the thankfully unharmed car. He pulled his seatbelt buckle down and clicked it in. Andy stared morosely out at the bridge and the water running beneath it.
"Okay," Blake said nervously. "Her name is Michelle, right? Is Brookside Health Services some kind of doctor's office?"
Andy didn't take his eyes away from the window, but he said slowly, "No. It's not a doctor's office."
His voice was haunted. His eyes held ghosts.
"It's a rehab center."
The pieces slowly came together. The missing sister. The shady places. The panic. "She's in rehab?"
"She's been in and out for the past six years. Since my parents died."
Blake swallowed. His knuckles turned white on the wheel. All this time, Andy had been holding this secret in, silently dealing with all the stress himself. How had he done this by himself all these years?
"That's why when Olivia called - about Logan - you knew what to do."
"It's happened before," Andy said quietly.
"And they - lost her?"
Andy rubbed his eyes. "She doesn't like it there. Obviously. So every few months she tries to run away. And now she's gone again. And I don't know where she is or what she's doing or what kind of substance she's trying to find. I have to find her before she - she does something."
His pain sat in the car between them, around them, an extra, monstrously huge passenger whose weight and space they were not equipped to accommodate. Blake's heart was breaking for Andy. He wanted to take away all that sadness and grief he had to carry.
"This is why I don't dump my shit on people," Andy grumbled suddenly. "It just makes it all weird. Don't ask me to tell you anything else. Can we just go?"
"It's not weird," Blake said. "Why would it be weird to tell someone that cares about you what's bothering you? What's really weird is someone thinking that that's weird." He took his phone from the holder. "Are all of these places we're going to where she has friends?"
"The first was her ex-boyfriend's. This is a place where some of her friends hang out."
"Okay. Where to next?"
Andy slowly turned to face him. His eyes were red. His nose was blotchy. "We're actually going?"
"I said I would help you, didn't I? Here." Blake tossed his phone into Andy's lap. "But wherever we go, we're going to be careful, and we're going to go together. Got it?"
"Fine, whatever," Andy muttered, but Blake realized with immense relief that he had finally stopped crying.
*****
After a half hour of searching at a bar, a shady motel, and yet another creepy underpass, as they were getting in the car to go to yet another weird hangout, Andy's phone rang.
Andy yanked it from his pocket and it flipped out of his hands and onto the floor. He cursed and began blindly reaching around on the dark car floor. Blake switched the lights on, reached down, and handed it to him.
"Hello?" he said shakily.
Someone spoke on the other end.
"This is Andy," he replied.
In the yellow car light, Andy's good tan looked yellow and sickly. As the call went on, his eyes began to water again. He hung up numbly.
Blake chewed his lip. He clenched the steering wheel. "Is she - is that her?"
Through trembling lips, Andy only whispered, "The hospital, please. She's there."
No one can be at peace! Not even Andy! Vote and comment if you enjoyed the chapter :)
I checked my story stats for the first time in like a year yesterday and I just have to say to my 1% of male readers: I see you! I appreciate you very much.
I also saw the map of my readers so if you'd like, comment on this line which country (or continent or planet if you want to be super anonymous) you are from. Sometimes I feel like I have some guesses about some of you but I'm not sure...
For next time: I finally have an action chapter planned. Which obviously must include Olivia.