Places designed to accommodate many visitors end up becoming a receptacle for all those emotions. Hotels, operas, castles, hospitals, every big edification has ghosts, sometimes people see their pale profiles with a corner of the eye sensation and sometimes they live in the format of memories.
Remus entered the empty hospital room, closing it with his body, standing still close to the door. He saw a bench, identical to the one in Severus' bedroom, and sat down not caring about turning on the lights. There was nothing in the dark that would scare him anymore. The anxiety was making him nauseous, the tears that didn't fall just a few minutes ago finally reached his eyes.
Remus realized his tears were mingled. Some were for his wife, passed away right in front of his eyes, and some were because he had just witnessed a similar scene by Severus' side. Remus was becoming hard on the surface because if he didn't, he wouldn't have full custody of Teddy, but sometimes when nobody was around, grief would knock at his door. Getting used to the gap Tonks left behind was painful, she used to mean everything to him. Sometimes Teddy changed his hair color to hers while on Lupin's arms.
"Yes, yes I miss her too" he would whisper to him
Not being able to express much of his emotions had been hard. For the first time, there was literally no other choice than being the strong one. He had to be. For Teddy, for Severus. And yet, Lupin felt small, tiny, and powerless when confronted by how disheartening life could be. He really wished he could have anything with him to distract himself from the anxiety, sitting silently in the dark wasn't the best choice.
To cope with some of those complex emotions, Remus had ended up with a rather unusual mechanism. It was harmless, he had to give himself credit for that, but it would be odd to explain so he kept it to himself in fear of being judged. Remus had grown a new taste for horror books, including the muggle authors. He'd read anything of the genre, even the ones that contained violent scenes, something his doctor wouldn't like. In his own way, he felt he couldn't feel sorry for himself, he had survived, he had to move on and be happy for the ones who weren't there. But those characters, they were in horrible situations, and yet they weren't him. So he could pity them, he could feel sorry for their pain and mourn the ones they lost without being accused of indulging in self-pity.
The truth is that reality can be far more horrific than fiction because to write there has to be some level of sanity, some degree of poetry, even some beauty. But horror in real life isn't written only by the sane and the ones who tamed their perversity through metaphors, it is usually raw, cold, and anticathartic. Remus could consume every drop of gore in those chapters knowing he was actually safe within those words and that the real danger awaited for him as soon as he closed the books.
Remus was terrified. Everything was normal just minutes ago. And now, he felt his word was hanging by a threat. Severus was going to go through surgery again, an emergency one for that matter.
Glass breaking. Why is it always about glass breaking? Why does Severus's magic choose that resource to manifest when he is in danger, threatened, or even hurt? Remus was already outside getting his coat to leave the hospital after visiting Severus when he heard glass cracking and breaking inside his hospital room. He came back to see the window was shattered and all the glasses in the room seemed to resonate, in the imminence of rupture.
Severus had practically called Remus with his hands and expression. The werewolf scanned the place with his eyes for any threats but found no one. As quick as a blink of an eye, Himiko and Jonathan were there, the doctor carried her most severe and concentrated expression. She started casting spells on Severus, who reluctantly felt his eyes getting heavier and looked at her displeased.
Lupin got closer, holding his hands. Snape was groggy but scared to death. He had tears in his eyes, despair imprinted on him like Remus had never seen before. He was also in pain, a hand reaching to the scar on his neck for a paralyzing moment.
"I don't want to die, please don't let me die. I don't want to die" he cried feeling more spells being cast on his neck, his hand being put aside by Himiko
Severus was a wreck and Lupin had never seen him in such shock and fear in all his tay at the hospital. Remus held his hands and tried to soothe him down, still clueless about what was going on.
It helped but Severus' eyes ran like rivers, he was sobbing and wasn't breathing well. Whenever he saw Himiko's wand a wave of panic would take over him.
"Remus... I just don't want to die. Tell them, please" he said growing paler
"I will Severus, I'll tell them. When you wake up I'll be here" Remus promised
"No, no, no, I don't want to sleep..." he said feeling that last straw of consciousness slip out of his control, making his hand let go of the grip
"You must but I'm right here" Remus whispered, knowing he didn't listen
Jonathan took him out of the room and closed the door, soon the wizard doctor rushed through the door and closed it again, leaving Remus alone outside without any answers.
And without any news, he remained until Himiko came to him almost an hour later. She was visibly tired and before addressing him, she sat down on the empty hospital bed.
"My apologies Lupin, I was standing all this long" she said politely
Her face had marks of the mask she was wearing all along and she loosened her long dark hair, making it rest on her back.
"What happened? He seemed fine just minutes before I left the room" Remus asked straight away, his voice surprised him because it sounded very tearful
"There was a tiny fragment of the snake's fang on his neck. Not deep, his body was trying to expel it for all this time. But it had a microdose of venom inside that poisoned him when it hit the scar tissue from inside. I removed it, Jonathan filtered his blood again and will do it for a week. Safety measure. He will be fine, no need to put him into a coma again" she said still resting on the bed
Remus didn't know what to say to her. He was processing all that. He thanked her for the information and asked if there was any chance there could be more. She said they checked before cutting his neck open again so they could remove everything at once but that they would redo all the exams.
To Remus, seeing Snape be put to sleep by force was never an easy task. Sometimes he wondered if Severus still knew how to fall asleep naturally. He was debilitated but he was always vigilant of everything happening close to him, which was understandable when one had been attacked.
This setback felt most unfair to everyone involved in Severus' recovery. He had been doing better, maybe not each day, but each week. They had removed the tubes from his neck a while ago and it greatly contributed to him eating better and getting some strength back. Enough for him to walk around his room and the hospital corridors on a daily basis. He still felt a considerable amount of pain, but he was taking potions every day to treat that last part of the poisoning. Didn't please him that sometimes the potions made him sick, but it was necessary.
An hour after the small procedure, Remus came back into the room. His eyes were still swollen from crying but he was happy he'd be able to keep his promise. Himiko's bracelet had a very different color now, before the surgery it was crimson but now it was a light blue tone. She started the process to wake him and unexpectedly soon, Severus reopened his eyes.
Himiko sat down by Severus' side in bed, her hair still undone. She looked very different without it being perfectly tight back in a long and high ponytail. She apologized for sedating him against his will and ignoring his panic attack completely. She needed to have her mind sharp for the procedure and there was no second she could waste. She put a small glass vial on his hands. It contained a very small bloody fragment of Naginis' fang. Snape understood and thanked her, he knew he wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for the ones in that room.
A week went by and to everyone's surprise, Severus was walking around the hospital again. There wasn't a corridor that didn't know his presence. He had been quieter in the last days, claiming that speaking made his neck hurt, but they knew it was because he was still processing what happened. He thought he was going to die, again. He recognized the burning sensation of the venom, he felt it spread through his veins, his extremities getting slightly numb in an awfully familiar way. His trust in his health had been shaken, but since they assured him there was no other fragment and his blood was clean, he was once again trying to get better soon. He couldn't stand being at the hospital anymore, yet still...
Remus. The thought came easily to the surface as he walked the geriatric area of the hospital. If he went back to Spiner's End they'd be away from each other. Severus would still not be in condition to get out too much and Remus was a father, he had Teddy to take care of now. He couldn't simply go visit him for a couple of days when he pleased. It would be lonely, even more than now. He loved to see Remus, but he'd see him only a few hours every week and no one else. He was used to having more people around him, even if he wasn't interacting with anyone, he had lived in Hogwarts for most of his life and it was always filled with teachers and students. In that regard, he wasn't feeling great, but he felt ready to have a conversation he had been postponing. He wanted to see Harry.
Lupin wouldn't usually give up his hours to be with Severus, but this time he wanted to make sure Harry would have all available time with him. Remus lingered at the hospital after his appointment for a while, just to be sure Harry wouldn't leave earlier and he could have some time with Severus. However, Jonathan let him have a peak and Lupin went back home to the image of both of them reading the letters Severus had received during his stay.
To Snape, the first moment he saw Harry was very awkward. He was the one who invited him, of course, but didn't make it any easier. Potter knew his darkest secret and he was somewhat informed that his memories were used to prove his innocence at some point. Harry had seen him in what he thought would be his last moments, he had seen him scared, crying, and holding on to the last comforting thing he could think of.
Harry was very polite to him at first, speaking of other topics, asking if he was being well treated and how he had been feeling. He told Snape it had been Teddy's birthday a few days back and that it would be great if he could come to his next birthday party, in the following year.
"I couldn't possibly-" Snape said assuming no one really wanted his presence
"I'd like my godson to meet the bravest man I know" Harry stated
Snape didn't reply for a while, unsure of what a good answer for that could sound like. He decided it was a good moment to talk about that event at the Shrieking Shack. Harry seemed to carry some guilt with him, expressing he wished he knew what to do to help him back then. But in the imminence of his death, instead of trying to cast spells to save him, he collected his tears.
"Harry pay attention" Snape said rather kindly, Harry was stranged to be called by his first name. "I've been here at this very hospital room for months. The best doctor in the country didn't know what to do with me and if it wasn't for Himiko's expertise and Jonathan's ability to filter my blood, I also wouldn't be here talking to you. You did what was right. You respected my last wishes. And left a clue in case anyone came across. And most importantly, you defeated the Dark Lord. There is nothing you should be feeling guilty about"
Snape looked at Harry directly while speaking his mind, always feeling both blessed and sorrowed to look into his eyes. He was so young and had been through so much already. Severus could tell his visitor was holding back his emotions, this had been weighing on him for all this time. All he wished he had done better, all the lives he wished he'd saved.
Severus gave him a tender look and gestured he could come closer. As if Harry hadn't been surprised enough to be invited in and called by his first name, he found himself once again surprised to be receiving nothing less than a hug from the man he had seen with no life coming from his eyes. Harry accepted it well, hugging him back, noticing his dark hair was very long now. He let himself be healed by it, if the most severe, disciplined, and meticulous man he knew said he had fulfilled his duty well, he must have. He could have peace.
The rest of Harry's visit went by in a very pleasant way. They had some tea Jonathan cared to prepare for them, sat by the table and Harry help Severus read the letters people had sent him over the months. Harry would tell him from who it was, read the first paragraph or so and if Severus felt comfortable, he'd finish reading it himself.
"This one has a very fine envelope and it's from... Magnus?" Harry said. "I think it was sent with flowers by the looks of it, did you receive them?"
Snape skipped a heartbeat. He looked at the black envelope and the familiar M on the untouched red sealing wax. He soon found this situation to be so absurd he couldn't help but to smile in amusement.
"I received them a few weeks ago, yes. Leave this one to the side, I'll read it later" Severus said calmly, still laughing internally. Very considerate of Magnus to send him white roses, he suspected they were from him and now he was sure. It was good to know he was alive, Magnus was also drawn to the dark arts himself and his heritage could have brought him trouble in a time like this.
When they finally finished the letters, Snape was quite happy to see so many kind words addressed to him. He wasn't aware they were so many, from ex-students from all houses to teachers and even... Minerva. She wrote him. The last time they spoke was right before their duel at the Great Hall. He thought he'd never hear from her again. He was sure she had strong opinions about him, rightfully so, but her letter was sincere and wished him a good recovery.
Harry was getting his coat to leave, but he was hesitant, there was a little something he still wanted to say.
"Yes, Potter..." Snape said
"You've spent some time with Remus this week, have you noticed he seemed... I don't know, sad?" Harry asked. "Tried to ask him but he said it was nothing"
"Maybe it's the potions, the full moon will be in a few days" Snape informed
"Your Wolfsbane was better, wasn't it? This one they give him just doesn't seem the same" Harry said rather bothered
"I'll ask him next time, I can't get near a cauldron for now but I know a reliable potion master that can produce one same as I do" Snape said
And with that, Harry left Snape's room. He didn't know what to expect of this visit but now he was glad he came.
Remus was laying down in the thin-bed he had at the hospital's underground chambers. He had a blanket covering his undressed body and yet he found himself shivering under it, not because he was physically cold, but because he was still recovering from the pain of transforming back. He touched his face, the long snout gone and he cared to look at his pale fingers to comfort himself he was human again.
This was not the most comfortable place to transform and rest, but he was safe down there, he didn't get any new scars for the last couple of months. His problem was the Wolfsbane they gave him, it was not as well balanced as Severus'. Something on it made him sicker during the previous week and the prospect of always feeling this just bearable nauseating feeling and this post-transformation extra exhaustion was not a kind thought.
He also didn't like to look vulnerable down there, people could come in and he dreaded the idea of being seen like this. He tried not to scream loudly but it was always useless, whenever his spine assumed that arched shape, the sharp pain made him wish he was never even born.
This month's potions were extra unbalanced for him and he was still feeling that clingy session in his throat and stomach. All he wanted was to be driven home and pass out in his bed.
He heard a door being unlocked uncharacteristically early. They would never let him go before eight in the morning and it was probably around six. He crunched more under the heavy blanket, feeling exposed.
"Sir, get dressed, you have visitors"
Lupin wasn't too fond of that nurse. He suspected he was afraid of him rather than having a prejudice toward his condition. But it wasn't him every month so it didn't matter that much. Lupin searched for his clothes in the dark and putting them was insultingly difficult. He had no energy whatsoever. After putting his cotton T-shirt back he laid down and was ready to see Ophelia and another nurse but the shadow of the silhouettes wasn't what he was expecting. Remus smiled weakly to himself, recognizing the steps. It was Severus.
He heard some more steps and the chamber was locked right after they entered. He saw Snape's shadow looking back to the nurse, as if asking what the hell he was doing locking it since Remus had already transformed back. A very Severus type of reaction, Remus could almost imagine his expression.
A gentle hand touched his shoulder over the blanket.
"Remus, are you alright? I hope you don't mind me coming" Severus said in a low tone, Ophelia standing right behind him
The werewolf smiled at him, making room for the other to sit in bed by his side. He was drained of energy but he was so happy to see Severus there, it seemed such a distant dream.
Remus was too exhausted to communicate in a normal fashion so he observed the other two exchange a few words. Ophelia did some checkups on his vitals and overall state. She asked him some questions about pain, how sick he had been feeling in the past days and how had his mood been. Questions very similar to what Severus would ask him at Hogwarts. She gave Severus an approving look and left them alone in the chamber.
Severus searched for Remus' touch while sitting down.
"Do you mind if I lay down with you? Oh... your hands are so cold" Snape said while looking at him
Remus made room for him and soon found himself with his forehead on Snape's chest. He felt warm inside this way and it was so comforting that it made him want to cry for all the full moons he didn't have the same luck.
"I know you feel you have to be perfect, Remus. I can't even imagine the pressure. You've been an excellent father and you stood by me more than I ever thought I deserved. So let me take care of you now that I'm able. Is that ok?" Snape asked him gently
Severus felt Remus tensing up, he gripped the blanket with his fingers. He nodded affirmatively and Snape placed his arms around him, giving him a rather respectful kiss on the top of his head, over Remus' messy brown hair. Remus heard the other whisper, telling him it was ok to cry. And this was really the last confirmation he needed since he started to feel thick tears roll down on the side of his face.
Snape felt his heart tight in his chest. Lupin was really trying to put up a good face every day, especially last week. One of the sad things about being an adult is not just doing things that demand more responsibility, that can even feel empowering when you get them right, what is really hard is to feel that there is suddenly no room for you to be taken care of by others. That you have to always know better, that you can't be sick or scared or in pain.
When he shed all the tears he needed to, Remus finally started to notice Snape had been caressing him all along. It went back to being comforting in a lullaby manner, being all he needed to feel his tired consciousness start mingling with dreams.
Some hours later Remus woke up by some noises he heard from afar.
How did that guy manage to make him sleep? What kind of spell did he use? Should we wake him? Is the moon still up outside somehow?
Those were some of the words Lupin could make sense out of. He was still foggy and tired and Severus was napping by his side. Which was remarkable since Snape was becoming pathologically afraid of sleeping over the course of months.
"Sev, wake up, Ophelia is coming" Remus said while sitting in bed with some difficulty
The witch indeed came, Lupin knew her scent from the end of the corridor. It had some wooden notes to it, but in a freshly cut firewood manner. She did the same check-up on him and took notes of his vitals.
"We'll prepare our arguments based on this and the reports from previous months," she said looking at Severus
"If you need an extra pair of eyes in the potion making section you know where to find me" he said approvingly
Remus maybe couldn't make much sense out of the dialog that took place in the last full moon, but after addressing it with his doctor two weeks later, he couldn't be more touched. And grateful. She submitted a petition at the Ministry for Remus to have the Wolfsbane from a private business instead of the one from the hospital. A business he knew by name, Balsamum. Severus signed the papers that claimed he was the one who produced Wolfsbane for Remus during his year at Hogwarts and that he also had the intellectual property over the production of Balsamum's Wolfsbane. It made it irrevocably reliable. And free of charge since it would come from Severus' association with Mr. Chapelle.
Sometimes gestures prove so much out of a person's character. Severus was able to help him free himself from one of his biggest concerns in life by signing papers from his hospital bed. Not out of vanity, or fear of his nature, but because he cared. And when Remus received the first box of Wolfsbane on his doorstep, carefully packed, and so perfectly well balanced that Snape could have done it himself, he just knew. He had some talking to do and some paperwork to sign himself, but his decision was made.
On another afternoon, Severus was waiting for Remus to show up. He had been missing him, but he knew Remus had been busy in the last week or so. Even with a recent visit from Harry and Miss Granger, it felt lonely most of the time. He had been very pleased with himself for being able to reply to some of his letters and maintain focus on his own reading again. Had been a good while since the last time he needed assistance eating or walking around. That joy was quite something, but he missed his walks around the hospital with Remus.
When Remus finally arrived, a couple of hours late, his expression wasn't what Severus expected. The werewolf seemed rather serious, although Snape could swear he had seen that face before.
They talked and Severus heard him speak of the neighborhood he lived in now. Seemed like a pleasant place to raise a child, much better than the place he grew up on. Remus always talked about his son and Severus quite liked the little cub on the few occasions Remus brought him along in the visit. Snape has never been good with children but it softened his heart to see Lupin interacting with him.
That afternoon, Severus felt Remus had something to say and strangely, no nurse came to let him know the visitation time was nearly over. They were looking outside the window from Snape's room and the dark wizard felt a touch on the side of his hand.
"Severus, I've been willing to talk to you about something. And this is entirely up to you, of course" the werewolf started
"What is it, Remus?" He asked feeling uneasy
"You mentioned staying here at the hospital is hard, and it must be, especially after so long. Your doctors informed me you will be able to continue your treatment at home soon if you are willing to... But not without a full-time carer"
Remus took a moment to organize his next words.
"Remus..."
"I'm not qualified to be your full-time carer, of course, I didn't study for this kind of magic. And after the war, I don't think I can heal anyone... however, I wanted to ask you if... maybe you want to finish your treatment at home, with me. Teddy and I will always be around to give you company and they would assign someone qualified to be there for you"
"Wait, you're..." Severus said surprised, still not believing it
"Inviting you to move in... and stay as long as you need, yes. But only if that is what you want" Remus reassured him
"I don't even know what to say... well, maybe I do. Do you think this will be good for Teddy?" Severus asked while holding Remus' hand
Remus smiled in his crooked way. Of course, he was asking him that.
"I pondered about it with all my reasoning, and I think it will be fine. We also feel lonely in the house sometimes. You can stay in my room, has more space"
"Oh I couldn't possibly-" Snape started
"Actually, I haven't been able to sleep there for a while. I think by now you must know why. But it can be your place if you don't mind"
"I'm sorry, Remus. I never had the chance to say so" Snape said referring to his passed away wife
"It's ok. She was a warrior, she would never be at peace if she didn't fight... but I miss her... there isn't one day I don't see her somewhere"
"Terribly hard to lose someone we love. You see, I've seen better days. Physically, mentally. But you can always talk to me about it. You keep a lot to yourself" Snape said in a gentle way, still holding his hand
"Thank you, Severus. I try not to think about it, for Teddy. But you know it's hard at times... Still, what do you say? Will you come home with us in two weeks?"
"I didn't know I'd be well enough to leave in two weeks. Remus, I... couldn't thank you enough... it's more than I ever deserved, but I'll come with you"
"Oh I'm so glad" Remus said, finally smiling
They hugged, Remus stroking Snape's long black hair carefully. And the dark wizard only let go a little to take some last word out of his chest.
"But if I ever become a burden to you or Teddy, if you just need the space, if you just don't want to deal with a sick person at home and a carer, just promise, please promise me you will tell me" he pleaded in a low tone
"I promise. I'm trying to learn how to take only what I can handle. But if I can be honest, I haven't felt this happy in a while"
Their eyes met. The proximity was familiar, the comfort, the scent, even the angle caused by their height difference was a place they had been before. They smiled quietly and discreetly and it was more intimate than any kiss could ever be. If those hospital walls had ever held anything but happiness, that must have been too long ago.