After a few weeks, you felt way better. You even started to train in the gym again.
"Hey, how are you?"
While you were hitting a punching bag and avoiding imaginary hits, Steve had entered the gym. "Y/n?"
"Huh?"
"How are you?", Steve asked again.
"Fine."
He stared at you, wondering whether or not he should ask what was wrong.
"I am fine!", you said way too loud.
"You're not, Y/n."
You stopped, held the punching bag so it wouldn't move around, and rested your head against it with closed eyes.
"She's angry", you said, "Nat." You sighed and sat down on the floor.
"Why?", Steve asked worried.
"She doesn't want me to attend any missions anymore. We fought earlier about it and... well, she just wants me to stay at home", you explained and Steve sat down next to you.
"What do you want?", he asked softly.
"Does it matter?"
"Of course."
"Well, I want to come with you guys. I want to help, I want to be a part of the Avengers yet Natasha-"
"You are a full-grown adult, no one can tell you what to do. I think you should listen to your heart", Steve interrupted.
"My heart wants both yet it seems to be impossible", you said sighing. He put his arm around you to give you some support.
"Please don't get in my head, I just want to help you, not be your patient."
"Don't worry. I learned a lot in the last weeks. Also, I don't want to use my ability anymore."
"What?" Steve looked at you in shock. "Bruce said-"
"I know. But it just seems to make everything worse, so... So I should try to avoid using it and just hope not to die, I guess."
He shook you a little as if he wanted you to come back to your senses. "You can't do that, y/n. Avoidance is never an option. You have to go through it, even when it feels terrible."
"I don't know what to do. Maybe I should just leave."
"But then you don't have either of-"
"It's better than seeing her going out to missions while I can't or having her angry the whole time."
"Hmm... Do you want to train with me a little to get it out of your head for a while?", Steve offered.
"No, thanks. I am done here", you said, putting away the stuff you had used.
On the way to your room, you met Natasha but she tried to not look at you. Even though you almost touched each other by walking side by side for a second, she ignored you. You turned around and said her name.
"What do you want?", she asked annoyed.
"Look at me!"
She turned around, now facing you. "What?"
"You can't do this to me. I trained hard to be here and now you want to take it away from me?! Or otherwise, you leave? What is this? Why do you do this?"
"You did something way worse to me, so you better be quiet!", she hissed and you scoffed in disbelief.
"Aight, I'm out", you said and headed to your room to pack your things.
"What are you doing?", Clint asked carefully walking into your room, "Your door was open, I hope it's okay, that I came in."
"Doesn't matter anymore."
"What's going on, Y/n? Talk to me."
"Ask Romanoff, she seems to know everything better than anyone else, this poor woman."
"What?"
"What the fuck do you mean by that?!", Natasha stormed into your room, kicking your suitcase away. You straightened up, clenched your fists, and bit on your lip until it started to bleed.
"Natasha, leave", Clint said calmly. He was scared that you two were going to kill each other at any moment.
You took a deep breath and packed some more stuff into your suitcase, but Natasha took it away from you. "Alright. Alright, Natasha. I see how it is." You took the most important things and jumped out the window. The fall was energetic, you felt free. Natasha and Clint were looking out the window, but the more you fell, the smaller they got. "Alright... Friday, Jet Pack!" You wore the suit that Tony had made and optimized when you were in the coma. Almost too late, you could avoid hitting the ground and flew away. You had no clue where you should go, but anywhere was better than staying in the tower.
"Friday?"
"How can I help you?", the AI asked.
"Turn off GPS and any tracking system that's in here."
"I don't think Mister Stark-"
"Friday, do it."
"Done."
"Thank you. And don't tell anyone where I am, except when I allow it. Tell me, when someone tries to find or call me."
"Sure."
"Give me the fastest route to my grandma's home."
Two weeks had passed and Tony had tried to find you but failed. Friday did a good job at staying quiet to the team and giving you information about them.
"Miss?", the AI tried to get your attention.
"Yes, Friday?"
"There are some complications that require consideration."
"What is it?"
"Hydra is looking out for you, Miss."
"What?! Why? How do you know? Are they already here?"
"The Avengers and Hydra met at your parents' house, both looking for you. Mister Stark told me to inform you", the AI explained.
"What?! And why?"
"I guess it's because of your ability."
"Okay... Okay... Thanks, Friday. Oh god... Oh god... Oh my god..."
"I think you're having a panic attack, do you need help?"
"I... I..."
"Should I inform Mister Stark?"
"No! No... I... I just need a minute."
You tried to calm down. Your grandma came into the room in which you were pacing around, trying to get your nerves together. In German she asked you what was wrong and if she could help you in any way. You declined the offer and told her that you two were going back to Germany and that it wasn't safe here anymore. Your grandma didn't seem to be amused about it even though she had talked a lot about wanting to be back in Germany again.
"But why?", you asked.
"My English is bad and that I know but going away here... is.. uhm... zu anstrengend (-too exhausting/too much-)."
You told her that you would take care of everything and all she needed was to get on the plane. You even offered to pack her stuff if she'd tell you what she wanted to take with her.
"Spatz, wieso müssen wir denn gehen? (-Sweety, why do we have to leave?-)", she asked.
You told her about Hydra and that it wasn't safe to stay here. That if she wanted to come back again, you would get her as soon as everything had settled down.
"I am worried about you. I can't risk losing you", you said caring. She smiled a little weirdly so you knew she didn't quite understand you. After you translated for her, she was worried about you.
"Mit wem treibst du dich nur rum? Bist du jetzt kriminell? (-Who do you hang out with? Are you a criminal now?-)", she asked worried.
You told her what had happened, but the worst parts you left out so your grandma wasn't too worried. She finally agreed to leave the country and you helped her pack.
While she was getting ready to drive to the airport, you booked a flight. "Oma (-grandma-), we gotta go!"
"Uhm, uh... Soon!", she replied and you laughed a bit. She was way too cute when she tried to talk in English. Especially her German accent was funny to listen to. You had lost your accent years ago, just when you were too tired it came back again.
She came out with a mark of hairspray in the air.
"We are traveling, not going to the Red Carpet, Oma", you said chuckling.
"I need to look good then."
"Hm. Sure." You got the bags and suitcases and went to the Uber you had called. He helped you get everything in the trunk while your grandma was getting into the car already.
"Ich bin ziemlich nervös, muss ich gestehen (-I am pretty nervous, if I may be honest-)"
"Me too. We will manage this, don't worry."
"Warum kannst du nicht einfach mit mir auf Deutsch reden? Nachher vergisst du noch deine Muttersprache! (-Why don't you talk to me in German? In the end, you will forget your native language!-)"
"Because your English still sucks and you always try to avoid learning it. If I talk to you in English, you have no way to avoid listening", you explained.
"But sometimes forget I words or know them not!"
"And your grammar sucks as well, Oma. That's why you have to learn it. I have been telling you this for quite a while now."
"Ach, ich verstehe das nicht (-Ah, I don't understand this-)", she said, waving her hand dismissively. You gave out an annoyed sigh.
"Y/n!", someone yelled from afar. Confused you were looking around, not seeing anyone until an old friend of yours came up to you.
"I thought we meet up outside?"
"I thought I'd surprise you here", he said smiling.
"That really was a surprise...", you mumbled and greeted him with a hug.
"It's been a while! Why didn't you answer my messages for so long?"
"Busy life... I will explain it later, okay?"
"Sure. Seems like you have a lot to explain. Especially why you are back again."
You sighed. "Let's go now."
"So this is my... well I live here."
You laughed because he struggled to find the English version of the word he had in mind. "Nice safe", you said grinning.
You both had agreed to let your grandma sleep in the bed while you two were going to share the couch.
"Thanks a lot for helping me out here", you said sincerely.
"You're welcome. Would just be better if it wouldn't be a sudden contact."
"Huh?"
"Uhm... I mean because we weren't in contact in so long and then you- argh forget it", he gave up.
"You should learn some vocabs and speak English more often to get better."
"I know... why do you think I talk to you in English right now? I mean we both understand German, so there is no need. How is my accent? I was working on it."
"Terrible", you said laughing.
"I liked you better with your...", he moved his hand in circles in front of you, "attitude? No, uhm... Well, you were nicer living with your team. That's it."
"Ah", you said expressionlessly.
"Don't be pissed now!"
You laughed and he threw a pillow at your head.
"Not funny!", he said.
"Come on, don't be offended."
"You're a bully!", your friend whined.
"Well then you haven't met Tony Stark yet...", you mumbled.
"What? Did you meet Tony Stark at some point?"
You had told him that you were in a fighting club and that you and your team were going to competitions, but you didn't tell him that you were a part of the Avengers. "How do you know about him?", you asked.
"Well, we live on the same planet, dumbass", he replied. Now it was you throwing a pillow at his head.
"So, tell me", he said when you two lay down, ready to sleep.
"What?", you asked confused, not knowing, what he was referring to.
"How you met Tony Stark."
"I was at one of his events."
"Did you get an autograph?"
"Sure. That's why I know he is a jerk. Now let's sleep", I said trying to cut the conversation short.
"You didn't tell me why you're here."
"I met the mafia and stole their biggest treasure."
"Y/n, stop it and tell me now", he said annoyed.
"Fine... I got into some... trouble. People are chasing me, so I had to leave the country."
"Come on, tell me the truth already."
"It is the truth...", you said low and he stared at you, not believing that this could be true in any way.
"You are the nicest person I've ever met, how can you get into such criminal events?"
"Sometimes being good leads to it, I guess...", you said thoughtfully.
"But why needed your grandma to come with you?"
"They were already at my parents' house", you whispered, "I want her to be safe."
Your friend was shocked, not knowing what to say or do now. "Will they find you?", he asked.
"Eventually."
"Am I in danger?"
"If I stay, yes, sorry...", you admitted sadly.
"What is your plan?"
"I'm going to look for a job and then... well I am going to move with Oma and will provide her what she needs until everything is over. But I know that I can't stay with her as well, it's just until everything is under control."
"What do you mean?"
"The government stuff, so that she has money, can live on her own, etc. She just moved to the US because she couldn't live on her own anymore", you explained.
"What happened?"
"She is old, Felix. What do you think happens when you get old? Now let's sleep. We have a whole day ahead of us."
"Y/n?"
"Yeah?"
"I can keep an eye on your grandma, no problem", Felix said softly. You thought about his offer but were unsure of the danger that could come with it. It was a good idea as long as you wouldn't stay, he had moved far away from the city you were living in more than a decade ago. Hydra would never guess this place.
"Are you sure?", you asked hesitating.
"Of course. It's not a problem for me. We can buy her a bed and she could get my hobby room. I just have my battle station there, which I can easily move."
You sighed. "Okay. But you have to promise me to take good care of her. And stay in contact with me. If anything happens call or message me right away, okay?"
"Of course."
"Okay... Yeah, okay", you gave in. It was the best solution.
"Will you stay?"
"Not for long. I have to keep going so they won't find me."
"Do you really think they are going to find you here?"
"Yeah, definitely."
He stared at you and it felt like he was searching for something in your eyes. You turned around and tried to sleep, ignoring him from now on for this night.
You had found a job and were working in a Café. After a week working there, you got a new coworker, who was a few years younger than you. Your boss had told you that he was from America and asked you to train him since you had lived there for a while.
After you tried to tell him you were still new, he just smiled and told you it was good practice then. "Fuck this...", you mumbled, when he was gone.
"What's wrong?", your coworker asked.
"Ugh, nothing", you said dismissively.
"So... you lived in America?", he asked and you just nodded. You tried to get this over fast but he was so clumsy, that you just wanted the shift to end. It would take way too long to get him ready to work on his own, no wonder that your boss didn't want to train him himself.
The next day wasn't any better. "Why do you want to work here?", you asked him after you had enough.
"I need the money."
"You could work anywhere else, so why here."
"I applied and-"
"Stop. Goddamn... tell me why you are truly here."
"I... I... I am trying. I am trying my best, I am sorry that I am bad."
You sighed. "No, I am sorry. I just have some bad... months. Have you ever worked in a Café before?", you asked and he shook his head. "Alright... that makes sense... Okay...", you mumbled, scratching your forehead.
"Are you okay?", he asked and you shook your head.
"Please try to get a little better, okay?"
"Where do I start?"
"Walking without falling over would be a beginning..." You sighed. "Sorry", you added.
"So where did you live?", he asked.
"In America?"
He nodded.
"New York... I don't want to talk about it, please let's just work, okay?", you asked, not in the mood to talk.
"Alright."
At the end of the shift, you walked over to him and asked him if you two could talk outside. He agreed and looked even happy about it. "So tell me more about you, Mister Clumsy", you started the conversation.
"I... I am from New York as well."
"What did you do for a living there?"
"I worked a bit kinda everywhere? I was a student, so I needed money."
"Hm. Okay. And where did you work?", you asked skeptically.
"Uhm..."
"You are such a bad liar", you interrupted before he started to tell another lie.
"I don't think so, I can keep secrets pretty well. For that, you have to be a good liar."
"Jokes on you, I know who you are, Peter Parker."
"I literally have that name on my shirt right now", he said, looked down at his name tag, and even pointed at it.
"But it doesn't say you're Spiderman."
"Whoa whoa, what are you talking about?"
"See? Bad liar."
"Don't tell anyone, please!", he pleaded quietly.
"You're such a kid. No one here cares about you, Peter. Just a few nerds, that's it." He seemed sad about that statement. "You may help out in America and be a hero there, but it's not the case here in Germany, so of course no one cares", you added.
"That hurt."
"Just the truth. Sorry, kiddo."
"We aren't that much apart."
"Mentally we are."
You woke up from your buzzing phone. "Goddamn... it's just 4 AM what in the actual-" You had a few calls shown on your screen and a message from Friday. You searched for your comm and put it in your ear. "Friday?", you whispered because you didn't want anyone to wake up.
"Miss, Hydra is in Germany looking for you", the AI informed you.
"Okay... yeah... I knew that day would come... Why do I have so many calls on my phone?"
"Mister Stark-"
"You did not!"
"What do you mean?"
"Did you tell him?"
"Of course not."
"Aight... So what does Tony want?", you asked, getting back to the topic.
"He wanted to let you know about Hydra."
"I see..."
"Who are you talking with?", Felix asked behind you. You turned around, looking at your friend coming out of his room. Your grandma had gotten her room a few days ago, so Felix was sleeping in his bedroom again while you were still sleeping on the couch.
"I... it's... I can't explain this right now. I have to leave this night, the day I told you about is today."
"So sudden?"
"Yeah... Friday?"
"What do you need?", the AI responded.
"Connect me", you ordered.
"With Mister Stark?"
"Yes."
It didn't even take 10 seconds until he accepted the call. "Y/n! Finally! Are you okay?", Tony asked relieved yet worried.
"Yes. No. I don't know, doesn't matter. What do you know about them?"
"Who?"
"You know... the guys."
"Is someone with you right now?" His voice was worried though a little angry.
"Yes."
"Is he friendly?"
"Yes. It's a friend. So, tell me everything you know", you said.
"They are still in Berlin, but they began to look out for you so they might find you very soon. You should give them some wrong hints, so they won't find your grandma."
"How do you-"
"We know everything", Tony interrupted.
"Peter", you concluded.
"Yeah, sorry kid."
"I hate you guys."
"We love you too."
"Is that Natasha in the background?" You had heard a woman's voice but couldn't understand a thing.
"Yeah... Seems like you aren't lovebirds anymore, aren't you?", Tony asked.
"Shut up, Tony", you replied and could hear that Natasha had punched him which was why he was whining about it now. "Tony! Come on! I need information!"
"Why did you leave?", Natasha asked.
"Am I on speaker?", you asked annoyed.
"Yeah", Steve replied.
"Great. Hey, Steve."
"Hey, y/n. You should leave for the south of Germany, they won't expect you there. Leave some hints in the west so they'll think you live there. Maybe try to get them to think you moved close to your ex."
"Did you stalk me?" Silence. "Goddamn, guys! Y'all are some fucking stalkers!"
"You left so we had to get any clues about you", Tony tried to calm the situation.
"Wait a second." You took your phone and opened the call there to put it on speaker.
"Guys, Felix is next to me. Don't be yourself, be nice!", you ordered.
"Uhm, hey!", Felix said shyly.
"Hey, kiddo", Tony said and Felix gave you a weird look.
"That's how he is, I told you", you told Felix shrugging. Now he was completely lost. You took your suit and an elastic. "Turn around, Felix." He did as you said and you changed, still talking to the team.
"Why did you leave, y/n?", Natasha asked, this time a hint of sadness in her voice.
"Because of you, Natasha. Because of all this shit", you said annoyed.
"We should have talked first."
"I tried. We tried. It didn't work, so I left."
"I just want you to be safe. I don't want to see you dying again."
Felix turned around in shock. "Again?", he asked, eyes wide.
"Long story. That's the actual reason I didn't answer anymore. I was in a coma", you said dismissively.
"Oh, nice to know." He looked angry and worried at the same time. You struggled with your hair, so Felix helped out as he used to when you were kids. "What is all this?", he asked.
"They're the Avengers", you finally told him the truth.
"You are on a call with the Avengers?!", he asked surprised, not quite believing your words.
"She's not just on a call with us, she is one of us", Tony chimed in. Felix was done now, not understanding a thing.
"Long story, eh?", he asked and you nodded.
Someone knocked.
"Are you expecting someone?", you asked and your gaze stayed at the door. He shook his head. You loaded your gun, ready to shoot if necessary, while Felix just looked at you with big eyes, completely overwhelmed. You nodded to his room to hide.
When he was out of sight, you slowly opened the door to see Peter. You let him in and told Felix that everything was safe. "By the way, that's Spiderman", you said blatantly.
Peter punched you in the side and whispered: "Don't tell anyone, I've said!"
"Wow, okay. So... Okay, I need a few days to...", Felix said perplexed.
"Sure, take your time. I'll be gone in a few minutes either way. You promised me something, you remember?", you asked and looked at him. He nodded. "Don't mess up."
"Now I am too scared to even make a small mistake. I feel like I am going to die otherwise."
"You will, I promise", you said smirking.
"Why did you go back to Germany?", Clint asked through comm.
"Because I used to live here and therefore know a few people. Also, who would think I would leave the whole continent?"
"You know that Hydra has a base in Germany, right?"
"Yeah. Another reason to be here. Why would someone leave to a country where it's unsafe as well? Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, ya know?"
"I don't know what to think about that."
"You didn't find me right away, so it worked."
"But we found you."
"You have way more information about me than Hydra has."
"Still not sure about that. Just be careful, okay? Nat-"
"Please, don't talk about Natasha", you interrupted and he sighed.
"Go to the corner on your right."
"What? Did Friday turn on the tracking again? Friday, you-... What are you doing here?", you asked when you were suddenly in front of Clint, looking at him in disbelief and shaking your head.
"Yeah, I am here", he said laughing, "I arrived with Peter." You sighed and shook your head again, still in disbelief. Then you were rubbing your forehead for a few seconds and chewed on your fingernail. The stress was high and you just didn't know what to do. You actually wanted to be alone, yet there you were standing with Clint and a boy who was just a few meters behind.
"What's wrong?", Clint asked worried.
"Does no one trust me? Believes in me?"
"Why?"
"I wanted to handle it on my own, there was a reason I turned off everything. Oh, wait."
"What?"
"You guys don't know boundaries, I forgot." Clint laughed, but you continued to chew on your nails.
"I never saw you doing that."
"Huh?"
"Your nail."
"Hm..." You sighed, putting your arm down.
"New habit?", he asked.
"Yeah, no, I don't know. I really hope no one else is in Germany", you said and suddenly he avoided looking you in the eyes, turned around, and gestured you to follow. "Parker!", he called and the boy caught up.
"What... what else are you surprising me with now?", you asked sighing.
"Uhm..." Clint cleared his throat.
"Spit it out already."
He pointed to a van at the end of the street.
"You're not going to kidnap me, aren't you?", you asked and he laughed, "Right, you already have. No need to worry then, huh?" Now Peter laughed as well about your remark.
You stopped, thinking if you should just turn around at this point. Clint realized it pretty late, so he had to walk back a few meters. "You coming or not?", he asked.
"I guess not."
"Why?"
"I know what's going to happen now, I... Clint, no. I won't come with you."
"Y/n, we just want to help you", Clint said softly.
"I said no!"
He tried to push you forward, but you stepped aside, so he didn't get you. Searching for your comm and finding it in your pocket you put it in your ear. "Guys", you said, "guys come on, I know you're listening."
"What's up, love?", Tony asked.
"You are making it worse than it already is, you have to stop. Now!", you demanded.
"We're not doing anything, y/n."
"You're not? So why were you stalking me, infiltrating someone into my workplace, and are now sitting in the van watching me? I wanted to manage this on my own."
"But you don't have to. We just want to help", Steve said.
"If I need help, I'm gonna call. This is just... This is... This is bullshit! What's about your speech about the full-grown adult, Cap?"
"I am not with them in the van!", Steve complained.
"So I was right about the van... cool, cool..."
"Steve Rogers!", Natasha exclaimed angrily.
"She already knew either way!"
"Still, you could have stopped them yet you are wherever you are. Probably just a few blocks away, aren't you?", you asked and he sighed. You turned around and walked away.
"Y/n Y/l/n!" You turned around to see Natasha standing there in rage.
"You really should get yourself together Romanoff! And maybe yell a bit louder next time so the whole fucking world knows my name!", you yelled back. She ran up to you and started a fight.
"Natasha, stop!", you said, while you were trying to dodge some of her kicks and punches.
"Not until you get it!"
"Get what?", you asked. She tried to grab your arm, but you pulled it away in time, grabbing her arm instead and throwing her to the ground. "You really have to stop Natasha or the police are going to arrive!"
"Why would they care?" She stood up, putting her foot behind yours, trying to pull away your leg so you would fall but you grabbed her so you both fell to the ground and were now heavily breathing.
"We are in Germany, it's different here." You rolled over to lie on her and keep her down.
"You're a bit harsh", she whined.
"And you turned into a whiny little kid, get it together, Nat." You stood up, knowing she would revenge your commentary, but you grabbed her arm and pulled her into a hug when she tried to hit you. "It's okay, Nat", you whispered. Her tensed body finally relaxed and she began to sob. She buried her face into your hair, taking a deep breath. "It's okay..."
"Don't you think we should go back?", you heard Bucky asking.
"I didn't know Buck was here", you admitted.
"He didn't even know what was going on first, he just followed us and stayed behind when we wanted to get you", Natasha said.
"Why?"
"I don't know, ask him yourself."
You sighed. "I like our gym in the tower more", you said and Natasha stopped hitting the punching bag.
"Why? This place is wonderful. You have everything here and it is so big."
"Exactly, it is big as fuck. In our smaller gym, you have time for yourself, here you always have at least 10 other people around, it sucks. I like training alone." She chuckled and continued her training. "Come on, Nat, let's train together."
"So you mean a fight?", she asked smirking.
"Of course I meant a fight!"
Natasha smiled and got into position. She tried to trick you, but you knew better and didn't react at all. "Just testing", Natasha said.
"Sure", you replied grinning.
She wanted to kick you in your left side, but you blocked her leg, grabbed it, and pushed her away. "Come on, Nat, you can do better!" She grinned, jumped a little in place and shook her body to warm up. She rushed to you, trying to get you down, but you just dodged whatever she tried.
"When did you get so good?", Natasha asked.
"When did you get so bad? Come on, Nat. Don't spare me." She got you to the ground fast and pressed her knee on your chest, pushing you down. "Finally!", you said laughing, "Keep going, Nat."
"What?"
"I am still fine, ain't I? Show me what you got!" She tried to punch you in the face, but you dodged, grabbed her knee, and pushed it off of you. Standing up fast, you did a backflip when she tried to kick you. You got in position, your fists showing to Natasha, and grinned. "Come on, Babe!", you called. She rushed forward, but you got her to the ground before she could do anything, putting your foot on her chest.
"Okay, ladies, enough!", Bucky said and walked over. You helped Natasha to get up.
"What's wrong?", you asked confused.
"Nothing, I just don't want any of you to get killed when you keep going. We need both of you", Bucky explained. Natasha and you looked at each other, then at Bucky again.
"I didn't plan to come back", you said.
"What?", Natasha asked a bit irritated.
"I just came with you because I wanted to see you happy again. You seemed to be... a little lost", you said directed to Natasha. It seemed like you hit a nerve again because her face got ice cold. No emotion to see there.
"Okay, y/n, you come with me now!", Clint said while walking over to you, grabbing your arm, and walking you to another room. On the way, you tried to see Natasha's reaction, but she just watched you for a second and left.
"Y/n."
"Clint."
"You have to stop", he warned.
"What do you mean?"
"You're messing with her feelings, that's not okay."
"I am not doing anything...?"
"You are. She is totally out of her mind because of you. You should take care of what you're saying, hun", Clint explained softly.
"I'm-..." You sighed.
"What?"
"Forget it."
"Tell me", he said. You just looked around, trying to avoid his stare. "Come on, talk to me." You felt the flashbacks rising, but you tried to stay calm. Now wasn't the time for that. "So you rather avoid me? I see", he said disappointed and a bit irritated. It was getting worse, your breath was irregular now, yet you tried to avoid showing any sign. "That's pretty childish of you, I must say." You bit your lip. "At least look at me when I talk to you!" That was it, the last bar was reached, and everything crashed, yet you couldn't show him what was happening. The same as you couldn't show anything when your dad was yelling at you again, in danger of what might have happened next, so you completely shut down. Not being able to talk, forcing your eyes to stay on his, biting your lip even more, and pressing your nails into your palm.
"So that's it? You're ignoring me now? Fine!" He wanted to turn around but he watched a tear drop from your eye to your cheek and eventually to the ground so he stopped himself. "Hun...", he said worried, "Are you okay? I... I am confused. Are you sad? Or angry? Or... I can't see any expression on your face, I really can't tell." Your lip was bleeding now, the anxiety was high, what might happen next? Would he yell at you? Would he hurt you?
"Hey... honey..." He gently caressed your cheek. "What is wrong?" He realized your fist and took it between his hands. "It's okay, I am here with you. What's happening inside of you?"
You looked away for a second and panicked more than before, shooting your eyes instantly back to the person standing in front of you. "You don't have to look at me. It's okay if you look away. I didn't mean what I said earlier. I just wanted a reaction..."
Carefully you looked down for a moment but looked up again because you were too scared that what you were doing was wrong. He took you in his arms, giving you a light squeeze which made you realize that things were different now yet you couldn't trust your little insight of realization and didn't move an inch. "I am going to make you some of your favorite tea, okay? Maybe that helps you calm down...", he said and left.
You felt the pressure of holding it together decreasing and slumped down. Crying, shaking and hyperventilating you lay on the floor, staring into the void yet seeing some of the events that have happened in your past.
When Clint came back, he was in shock when he saw you. He got down to you and tried to reach out. "Hey, your tea is ready, it's over there, okay? Do you hear me? Y/n, please tell me what's wrong, I don't know what to do."
"Please don't...", you whimpered.
"What? Do you want me to avoid anything?"
"Please don't take me there, I just want to sleep..."
"I... we can leave and get you some rest if you want", Clint offered overwhelmed.
"No! Please! I won't do anything, I promise, please let me stay, please!", you yelled and cried even more.
"Honey, hey... you're here with me... you're safe."
"What's going on, Barton?", Tony asked, looking at the both of you.
"I think she's having a flashback... I don't know what to do, I can't get her out of it."
"I have no clue about that either, I'm gonna get someone", Tony said and left. Clint tried to calm you down but nothing seemed to work. In the end, he just sat next to you, stroked your hair and waited for Tony's help which wouldn't come in the next few minutes. Eventually, it stopped and you just lay there like a shell of a person. All Clint got to hear were your sobbing and sniffing.
You woke up, completely confused about what had happened and where you were lying. "You okay?", someone asked so you looked around trying to see anyone but it was too dark.
"No", you whispered, giving up on finding the person. He came closer carefully.
"I have these too."
"Huh?"
"Flashbacks." You could finally recognize the person in your room, it was Bucky.
"You can sit down if you want", you offered but he declined. "Are we still in the S.H.I.E.L.D. base?"
He nodded. "I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and if you need any help, just talk to me. I just don't know if I can be of help because I suck as well in getting it together."
"So you want us to be a mess together, huh?"
He chuckled. "I hated going there, but maybe therapy might help you. It helped me in some ways."
You laughed and confused him with your reaction. "Guess you don't know everything about me then", you stated.
"Hm?"
"I was in therapy for years already, guess I'm just too big of a mess to get fixed."
"If that would be true I'm a lost cause. I think you just need to find the right help to get better. I can imagine that you didn't find it yet."
"At least you still have some hope left...", you mumbled.
"How do you want to continue?"
"I don't know yet to be honest."
"But are you sure you want to leave again?" You nodded in response. "Don't you want to stay with Natasha?"
You sighed. "Why is everyone thinking it's my fault? I am not the bad one here. No one is."
"She stayed with you the whole time you were gone and-"
You groaned and threw a pillow at him. "It's not my fault she stayed with me. It was her decision, not mine. Yes, she helped me, so what? Does it make me her slave now?"
"What do you mean?"
"Every time y'all are coming at me with the same excuse that she stayed etc. But no one cares about me?! She wanted me to quit or she would start ignoring me. None of the options is a good one, the first one would mean I'm gonna be unhappy, and the second one would mean everyone would be unhappy. So I left, why is it so hard to understand? It's getting on my nerves that I owe her my whole future now just because she supported me which I - again - didn't ask for. If I would like to be in this kind of ownership, I would have stayed with my parents."
Bucky stayed silent.
"If you don't have anything to add, please leave."
"No, I... I am sorry", he said low.
"You, what? I didn't quite understand."
You both laughed.
"Guess I didn't know the whole situation. I better leave you alone now, it's late."
He left and you checked your phone. It was 4 AM. "Guess I slept enough, let's go...", you mumbled to yourself and stood up. You made your bed and got into the shower which felt way better than imagined.
Looking into the mirror you saw a damaged yet kinda pretty person. You had made your hair into space buns and even wore a little Makeup. You wore your suit under your streetwear, just in case you needed it, and had written a letter to the team which you put nicely on your pillow before you left with your stuff.
"Clint? Clint! Get your ass here!", Natasha called. Clint ran into your room, seeing Natasha with a letter in her hand.
"She left, am I right?", Clint asked sighing. Natasha nodded. "At least this time it's not a surprise..."
"What's in there?", Bucky asked when he was looking into the room out of curiosity. She handed him the letter. "Hm. It's her decision, I guess, and she's not wrong."
"What do you mean?", Clint asked and snatched the letter out of Bucky's hand. "I feel like the song 'Ghost Town' from Layto & Neoni and it's just for the better when I am gone. Being a ghost somewhere else is okay, but I really don't want to feel that around friends. I'm sick and tired of this act I cannot leave, where 'friends' paint me the bad guy. All I wanted was to have a family and friends like you promised but it's okay, I am used to broken promises, so don't feel bad about it. Just thought that someone might have a closer look and would understand, but I get it, I am still somehow new. It's okay, really, it's okay. Bye."