HADLEY
People always says that life is about the winding roads and the roller coasters.
It's about the rush of the loop-the-loops and the adrenaline after agony. It's about that feeling of power after destruction and the ease in your chest after that sigh of relief. Notice how the euphoria is always after the sorrow. 'We need love to hurt and heal.' 'We make mistakes then learn from them.' 'we need to experience pain to live life to the fullest!' people say.
But how do people expect me to believe that when I've never felt the 'after'? What if I haven't felt the rush? Or the Adrenaline and relief? What if I've only ever felt the 'before'?The vertigo of winding roads and the sickness from hanging upside down for so long. What if I've only ever felt the pain of complete destruction? Then, people also question why you don't face the 'befores' when you know the 'afters' will soon follow after. Because we all NEED the 'afters' to live! You just gotta be patient, right? You just gotta 'be strong'. Wait it out, they say. If you want the 'afters' that is all you have to do.
'It is so simple.'
But my answer is simply this - I don't. I don't need it.
I don't need the rush. I don't need the morphine-fix and the respite. However; want and need are two very different things. Maybe I do want the love and the surge and the alleviation.
But you're telling me that in order to attain those things I need to be in complete and utter suffering?
Absolutely fucking not.
- - -
I lie in my bed with my ivory eyes closed, facing the ceiling. I'm trying to focus my thoughts on the word 'black' or sometimes 'darkness' because I heard once that when you try and meditate, you need to think of nothingness. This has never really worked for me. Surely if you think of the word 'nothingness' then you're going to picture a scene of a blackhole and ripples through the atmosphere and eerie space. So, I use the words 'black' and 'darkness' because at least they're just colours. At least they'll give my mind a better chance of just - shutting off. My long onyx hair lays behind me, pin straight as per usual, and flows down to the small of my back. I can feel small strands tickling the back of my neck - snap out of it, you're supposed to be thinking of black I think to myself, but then more thoughts slowly flow in and an electronic ringing brings me back to reality. My phone vibrates and the word 'Jennifer' lights up the screen bright white and I can feel my face instantly scowl, without even meaning to - it's only been ten minutes since my mother last called.
What now?
"Is there a reason you're calling me from downstairs, for the second time today, might I add?" I say, slamming my phone against my ear.
"I want you in my office, now." Her voice is straining to get through her gritted teeth.
I sigh and weigh up my options. I could either stay up here and get dragged down which I'd give it about four minutes or I could just go and get whatever this is over with.
I walk out of my bedroom and down the hall which has a window for a wall on one side, overlooking New York City. Our apartment block has many many stories and we happen to be on one of the highest levels - good job I'm not afraid of heights. Our apartment is one of the nicer few in the city, so I have to walk down two small flights of stairs before I reach my mothers office that lies adjacent to the living space no one uses. It's a big apartment for two people who rarely speak. As I walk closer to her office door I can hear her talking in an unusually happy voice, but I can tell that there is a trace of stress that runs throughout her tone.
"Yes! That would be perfect." She shoots daggers at me the minute she sees me standing in her doorway. "Yes, she's just walked through the door. Of course, she'll rethink her decision."
Decision?
"Of course! Thank you so much, Sir. Hadley-Rose will see you tomorrow."
She finishes her phone call and hangs up using her index finger ever so slowly, glaring at her screen. Tomorrow? Her eyes start at the floor, then move from my feet all 154 centimeters up to my eyes hanging over every flaw that stands out to her along the way. I think I've pissed her off.
"Who was that?" I ask almost sounding bored.
"Don't be smart with me, Hadley-Rose." Her tone is now furious but she is not loud. "You know exactly who that was, don't you?"
I say nothing. I may or may not have a slight guess.
"Well? Come on!" Now she's shouting. "I would love to hear your pathetic excuse -"
"Don't talk to me like that." I keep my voice calm but sharp. "Just let me explain -"
"Oh, I would love to hear you explain to me how you've declined all top Universities that you applied to!"
I do nothing but stand with my arms crossed and stare at her enraged expression. Once she realises that I haven't found my words yet, she speaks up again.
"Do you realise the impact you've had on my company? You were suppose to go to Brown University, do your major and -"
Ah, my Mother. Jennifer Ambrose of Ambrose Law Firm. The best of the best. I must admit, she's good at what she does! She is stubborn and determined. If she wants something, then she gets it. She hasn't lost a case since before I was born! It's just a shame that she has the same mindset with her daughter. She thinks that I am a case she is yet to win. She thinks that I am her piece of clay that she isn't finished moulding. She thinks that she has all power over me in every aspect of my life - and for the most part, she does! But, Law School?
Yeah, no. Not happening.
She just doesn't know it yet... well - until now.
Shit, she's still talking.
"And you didn't even think to tell me that you declined them?" She puts real emphasis on the word 'decline' as if her life depends on it. Her life, not mine. I try to drown out her rambling until my mouth gets the better of me, which is does the majority of the time.
"I'm gonna have to stop you there, Jen." I say bluntly.
If looks could kill I would be six, no seven feet under right about now.
"You're not going to get anywhere by raising your voice at me and you know that. Besides, you can't change my mind. I've decided that I won't be going to University." I stare her dead in the eyes, "And I definitely won't be studying law."
Not one thing changes about her demeanour, so I continue.
"Mom, for years I have done everything you have asked of me. I've done the extra classes, got the grades, played happy families to the press! I've stuck to your fucking diets and the workout programs so that I'm the perfect look for an Ambrose daughter. I didn't even go to prom because you -"
Breathe, Hadley
"All I'm trying to say is that I'm starting to make choices for myself now. I've been the perfect Ambrose family daughter for almost nineteen years. That's long enough don't you think? Don't you think it's my turn to decide where my life should go?"
My arms are crossed tight over my chest in attempt to steady myself and appear stronger than I actually am. I just said that whole thing to my mother with my chest, so on the outside I look pretty sturdy. It's a shame she's the one that's made me so she knows better than to just look at the surface. No, she looks a lot deeper than that. Her eyes literally pierce through my skin, then my bones and weave their way through my arteries until they reach my heart. And from there, they squeeze. They squeeze until my legs feel paralysed and my eyesight fails.
She stands there, not much taller than I am, her fawn hair in a sleek low-ponytail reaching half way down her back and her honey toned eyes piercing me, as they do. She still looks like she's been eating sour candy (not that she'd ever eat candy) until all of a sudden her expression switches. She goes from fuming to a small smile spreading across her face, her eyes slimming down at me and tilting her head ever so slightly to the left.
"Oh, Hadley. I think you're forgetting your place." Her head straightens and her mouth forms into a straight line. " As you heard me say to the President of Brown - you'll be seeing him tomorrow to review your application and begin talking about your law major."
"What?" I say, slightly louder than I intended to.
"Because you will be going to Brown and completing your law major."
"You can't do that, Jennifer. This is my life!" I shout with a finger pointing at my chest. I'm now leaning towards her. "I won't go - I am not going to that stupid interview."
It's now a competition of who can sound the most intimidating as she actually has to take a deep breath before shouting next.
"I think you'll find that you are. This has always been your life plan. You go to school, get the grades, go to Brown and come out as a fine lawyer that is ready to join the family firm. Immediately. I don't have time for you to act like a recluse now and mess everything up, Hadley."
Mess everything up Mess everything up Mess everything up
I can't gather my thoughts to reply to her quick enough. Seeing me defeated is the equivalent of a drug, to my mother. She's now higher than I am and it's back to her world. Her face softens and she's back to her tilted head small smile.
"You're my daughter - you do as I say. Don't forget that."
"Don't you care about what I want?" Shit. My voice wasn't supposed to come out that shakey.
She audibly laughs. "Baby, look at you. It's three in the afternoon and you're not dressed. You've clearly not been keeping up your appearances ready for summer and you've definitely gained weight by lounging around the house since school has finished."
She knows exactly when and where to twist her knives in me. Deep.
"Look at you Hadley. You're a fragile, weak little mess." She crosses her arms over her chest like me, but not to steady herself. Jennifer Ambrose doesn't need steadying. "So, no. I don't care about what you want. Quite frankly, I couldn't care less because it isn't like I'm interrupting your...big plans." She lets a giggle escape her mouth.
I stand there. Arms still crossed but not doing much use, teeth clenched in my mouth to stop my bottom lip wavering and eyesight slowly disappearing. Not sure whether that's through anger or water blocking the way.
"You need me and you know it. I am doing this all for you. To make you the best version of yourself." She smiles once more, but it's not a kind smile. It's never a kind smile. She then turns on her heels and answers her work phone.
When was that ringing?
I have to leave before I loose all sense completely. I walk out the office door and hurry myself upstairs to my room, not even glancing at the city as I make a run through the hall. There's no fucking way I'm letting one tear drop any floorboard outside of my bedroom. I make my way to the corner of my bed which lies against yet another large window that overlooks the city and curl up there. I try to focus on my breath and slow it down but it's like I can't feel myself think. Do you ever get that feeling where you feel like you aren't in your own body? Where you're feeling such a loss of control and so much anxiety that you feel like you're stood besides yourself - Yelling at yourself - do something! Say something!
But you can't.
You just have to stand there and try to regain the very little consciousness and control you once had. Because I feel like that all of the time. Like someone has just snatched something from me and I'm too much of a coward to ask for it back. And even if i wanted to ask, I couldn't because I can't even get my words out.
I can't move, I can't yell, I can't fight. All I can do is... break.
As I sob into my hands, I break another piece of myself. I can feel that small hairline crack running through my bones and my only choice is to act like I can't feel the grooves it is making in me. I feel like a lost little girl. That's all I am, in reality. I am the sleep walking remains of a girl - all bark and no bite - that has no fight left but pretends she is a force to be reckoned with. Because at the end of the day, you can pretend that you have a shield of armour and a mask of steel...but armour can become dented after too many blows and steel can rust after being held under tears for so long. Everybody has a breaking point.
But I'm not going to let mine be just yet.
My body still has a few more pieces of fine china that is yet to be broken. And I'm not going to let anybody else make a single scratch.
Not anymore.
I pull my phone out from underneath my pillow and fly through my 'Contacts' app in search for a name I'm not even sure is on there anymore. I stop when I reach the letter K and slow down slightly:
Kelsey
Kyle
Knox
Kathleen
I click on the last name with a shakey finger but with no hesitation in my heart. I hold the phone to my ear and my pulse pumps heavily with every ring that goes through. I'm almost about to give up, when -
"Hello?"
A soft female voice flows gently through the speaker on my phone and somehow instantly eases my nerves.
"K-Kathleen? Is that you?" Jesus, I need to get my shit together
"I don't know if you remember me? It's Hadley. Hadley Ambrose?"
"Hadley! Of course I remember you, sweetie! Is everything okay?" Her voice is calm and warm.
"Not - not exactly." I push my words out and attempt to push back my tears at the same time. " I need your help."
"Do you still live in Bainbridge?"
- - -
I board the plane which seems quieter than it should be. After my phone call with Kathleen, my fathers best friend from high school, I booked the next flight to Bainbridge for an hours time. I packed all I could into my suitcase and left with nothing but a note to my mother on my bed - dramatic, I know - that told her I had gone to stay with a friend in California for the summer. I've since had a panicked phone call from her demanding me home, to which I told her wouldn't be happening and then hung up. The only reason she wants me home is so that I can be under her control again and not raise questions regarding her parenting and why her eighteen year old daughter fled the city. Not that I care - there's nothing left for me in New York accept for my cousin Holly. I didn't tell her that I'm leaving, purely because I just don't know how I could. But at the end of it all, I have to do what's best for me - and that is getting the fuck out of New York.
I've never been one to make impulsive decisions, but I knew that if I didn't leave now I would've been stuck in that hollow city for the rest of my life. There is something so sinister about being surrounded by the places connected to events you'd rather forget. It's like you can see the reflections of the ghosts of your nightmares looking back at you - and it is so cruel because they know that you could never forget them. They linger. They mock you. If I stayed, who knows what those ghosts could lead me to do. If I stayed, I would be allowing myself to stay in an environment that I know is toxic - and that I know is only going to make me infected with it's misery of sickening nostalgia. You can't stay in the same environment where you got sick.
How are you possibly going to heal?
- - -
ELLIS
I'm woken up by the sound of a heated conversation coming from the garden. Not heated in anger towards each other but heated around the topic. I run my fingers through my black hair, that's probably long due a cut, in attempt to shake myself awake. I must have fell asleep at some point whilst moping around my room - it's not hard to bore yourself to sleep when you're practically house bound. I lean my head towards my window to try and hear more of the conversation between my Mom and Dad but all I can make out is odd phrases like 'Poor girl', 'I should've known' and 'I should probably tell the boys'... tell us what?
I was about to get up but I must've drifted back off to sleep because the next thing I know it's two hours later and I can hear Malakai, the youngest of the three brothers, kicking up a storm about something. I'm not surprised - he's so dramatic. It all sounded boring until I heard the doorbell ring. I didn't realise we were expecting anyone today. Curiosity always gets the best of me so I decided fuck it and hobbled my way down the hallway.
As I limp my way down the stairs, I can hear voices coming from the kitchen. One is Mom, one is Malakai, one is Levi (the middle brother) and the other... I don't recognise. As I walk towards the door, I can hear the conversation clearly:
"This is our kitchen! Please don't mind the mess - I did ask you two boys to clean up a bit!" I hear my Mom nag my brothers. Who is here that hasn't seen our messy kitchen before? And when has my Mom ever cared?
"Anyway, these are two out of three of my beautiful sons. Levi and Malakai." My Mom continues.
"I'm Malakai," here we go "My friends all call me Kai; however, we haven't reached that level of friendship yet. So you're in no position to call me that!"
My Mom scolds my brother for being so rude but I can't really concentrate on her voice when a sweet little giggle comes from right behind the door. Not one I recognise.
"I hope you don't mind me being here" the stranger says, I'm guessing to Kai.
"Well at first, I wasn't impressed, Hadley. Let me tell you that!" he begins "However, me and my comrade Levi have come up with a solution. So, for now, you can stay."
Hadley...
"Thank you, Malakai." The voice replies. That voice...
"I'm Levi. It's really nice to finally meet you." He's too nice for his own good.
My Mom speaks up again - "I'm sure all of the boys will help you around the house when you need them!"
"Of course we will, won't we kai?"
Malakai hesitates before he replies and then says "Yeah, that's cool." As if he had a choice to begin with.
"Okay then! Boys, Hadley's suitcase is in the back porch. Could you take it up to her room for her?"
Suitcase? Her room? What the hell is my Mom talking about.
I hear my dad go in and greet our guest at the same time I hear my brothers go out the back door. At this point, I'm done with waiting and the hands of curiosity are pushing at my back edging me further and further towards the kitchen door. I'm about to go in when I can hear my mother talking to this girl. Talking about me.
"My eldest is around here somewhere. He's a lovely boy, he really is. But at the moment, he's not quite been himself -"
Oh, fuck this.
Before my Mom could say another word, I opened the kitchen door and made my presence very known.
I had to look down to be able to see whoever the fuck is so special to be given our spare bedroom and for me to not be told about it. I expect to go off on one right away but my words seem to fail me as I look at her.
She is small in every way accept her stance. She stands like she's bracing herself, I don't quite know what for. Her hair is such a peculiar shade of black that it's almost Grey which makes her eyes stand out considerably. They're something like I've never seen before - so much so that I'm convinced they must be contacts. They're almost clear in appearance. Such a light shade of blue, or white I can really tell from this distance. One slightly upturned nose, a pair of lips the top smaller than the bottom. She is kind of... perfect.
My Mom looks guilty, probably wondering if I was stood there long enough to hear her about to pour her heart out about 'sorry' she feels for me to our new guest. The answer to that, obviously, is yes I heard and no I'm not impressed.
I finally find the words amongst my annoyance and say -
"Talking about me?"