is it just our bodies?
are we both losing our minds?
It's Alyssa's birthday today and she's celebrating with her friends here at her and Den's condo.
"Ly, Ly! Anong nagustuham mo kay Den?" Ella suddenly asked.
"I don't know." Ly answered.
"Luh? Pwede ba naman yon?" Vic said and gave Ly a confused look. "Ako, yung nagustuhan ko kay--"
"Hindi ikaw ang tinatanong ko. Shut up." Ella said and covered Vic's mouth with her hand. "Game na, Ly. Ano nga? Birthday mo naman, eh! Sagutin mo na!"
Ly chuckled, "Hindi ko nga alam. It just happened. I just found myself, falling for her. Ewan ko rin kung bakit. Di ko na rin inalam. It's not like it's important. What matters is that I love her." She said and kissed Den on the cheek
"Yiiieee! Happy birthday, Alyssa!"
Their friends said and raised their glasses for a toast.
Later that night when everyone's drunk and asleep, Den and Alyssa we're the only ones left awake. Den can't sleep and even if she's sleepy as hell, Alyssa's staying up with Den here in the kitchen counter.
"Babe.." Den called.
"Hmm.." Ly answered.
She's still awake pero tulala na siya at anytime ay makakatulog na rin. Den can't help but smile at how cute her girlfriend is.
"Can I ask you something?" Den said.
"Am I sleepy? Fuck, yes. Let's go sleep." Ly said and pulled Den in their room.
"Babe, no. That's not my question." Den said.
Si Alyssa, nakahiga na sa kama at nakapikit pero medyo gising pa rin.
"What?" She whispered.
"Ella's question earlier. What did you like about me?" Den asked.
With her eyes still closed, Alyssa answered, "Everything." She said. "I like everything about you, babe."
"Sure?" Den asked again.
Alyssa didn't say anything but she nodded.
Den smiled, "I love you, Ly."
"I love you too." Ly softly said.
Den planted a kiss on her forehead before lying beside her and sleeping.
∆∆∆∆∆
Alyssa's waiting for Den at the lobby of the hospital because she's taking her out tonight. It's their 2nd anniversary and even if they want to make it a little more special, they can't because of their work schedules. They planned a trip to Palawan but they had to cancel it kasi natapat na today, may surgery si Den tas si Ly naman had to attend a seminar.
"Hey, kanina ka pa?" Den asked when she saw Alyssa waiting for her.
Alyssa didn't notice her agad because she's playing 2048 on her phone.
"Uy, sorry. I was so focused on the game." Ly said and hugged and kissed her on the cheek. "Ano ulit sabi mo?" She asked while they're walking to her car.
"Sabi ko kung kanina ka pa?" Den asked.
"Di naman. Mga 15 minutes." Ly answered and opened the door for Den. "Happy anniversary." She said when a bouquet of flowers welcomed Den in the passenger's seat. "Ran out of your favorite sunflower so I had to settle with these red roses. Sorry, bawi ako." She said and held her nape.
Den smiled at that, "Roses are my favorite from now on." She said and hugged Alyssa. "Thanks, babe. Happy anniversary."
Ly hugged her back before they went inside the car and Alyssa drove to the restaurant where they'll eat. When they arrived, itinuro agad sa kanila yung table nila and the waiter took their order.
"How's your day?" Ly asked.
"Fine. Surgery was tiring but fulfilling as always." Den answered. "Ikaw?"
"Okay lang din. Naka-upo lang naman kami dun." Ly answered. "But, I was asked to sing pala." She chuckled and shook her head. "Gago kasi si Kim at Vic, tinuro ako. Eh andun boss namin, di na ako nakatanggi kasi baka mawalan pa ako ng trabaho." She joked.
"I should thank Vic and Kim pala for pushing you to show off your singing skills?" Den chuckled.
"Shut it, babe. It's not even a skill. It's just pure confidence." Ly said. "No, overflowing confidence pala."
"No. You sing well naman. Ayaw mo lang talaga i-showcase." Den said.
"Thanks, number 1 fan!" Ly said and they both laughed.
After eating, umalis na rin sila but Den asked Ly na mag-stop over sa Ateneo.
"Will they let us in?" Ly asked.
"The question is, will we ask permission?" Den chuckled.
"Babe, I don't really like what you're thinking." Ly said while shaking her head.
"It doesn't matter, you'll do it anyway. Tara na." Den said and jumped to see if there are any guards over the gates. "I can't see, babe. Ikaw nga."
Ly sighed pero tumalon din naman siya to check if someone's there.
"Safe." She said.
Den smiled and jumped over the fence. It wasn't too high so she easily got in.
"Come here na, babe. Baka may makakita pa satin." She said.
"Edi, uuwi na ako. Iwan kita diyan." Ly said.
"Bilisan mo na, dami mong sinasabi diyan." Den said.
"Aaaah, shit." Ly hissed then jumped over the fence. "What now?"
"I just want to reminisce. This is where we first met so I thought it would be great na andito tayo to celebrate our anniversary." Den answered.
"Pwede naman tayo mag-reminisce ng legal. Bakit kasi hindi na lang tayo dumaan nang maayos gate?" Ly said, still worried about what they just did.
"It's 11:30pm. Hindi na magpapapasok yan sila kuya guard. Para namang hindi tayo nag-dorm, no." Den said.
Alyssa, being a probinsyana, had to stay at the dorm while she's studying. When she and Den became friends, Den wanted to stay with her so nag-dorm na din siya kahit na pwede naman sana siyang umuwi everyday since she owns a unit just a few minutes away from Ateneo.
"You and your random and crazy ideas." Ly said.
"Tara sa Gesu." Den said, ignoring Ly's statement.
She held Alyssa's hand and pulled her to the direction of the chapel.
"Sarado na yan, babe. Para ka namang hindi nag-stay dito for 4 years." Ly said.
"Kahit sa labas lang." Den insisted.
When they reached the chapel, they were both suprised to see na bukas pa yun.
Den smiled, "Nothing is impossible with God." She said and pulled Alyssa inside.
They settled themselves at the seat in the middle of the chapel and started to silently talk to Him. That moment, even without talking to each other, they both know that they're in each other's prayers.
"Thank you."
They said at the same time and sabay din silang nag-sign of the cross at napatingin sa isa't-isa.
"Gesu never fails." Ly said with a smile.
"I know. Not even once." Den said and smiled back at her.
They stayed for a couple more minutes before deciding to leave the chapel and walking a little more around the campus. They ended up at their place. As cliché as it may sound, they do have a place here in Ateneo that they call theirs. It was discovered by Alyssa then she eventually let Den know about it and then there was Den, claiming they own it. They're in Ateneo for 4 years and no one took the place from them so it's safe to say that they really own it. Lol.
"You think it's still here?" Den asked Ly.
"Malabo. Wala na yun dito. Baka nga wala na rin yung bench, eh." Ly answered.
They're talking about the bench they used to sit at in this place. It was just an old cement bench that lies unused here. When they became a couple, they wrote AVxDL [08-28-2013] on the bench using a permanent marker. Alyssa insisted that even if it's permanent, it will still fade through time lalo na pag nauulanan tas maarawan ulit. But Den was persistent in doing it, saying, "Umaaraw, umuulan. Ang buhay ay sadyang ganyan. The rain and sunlight will make the ink stick longer. Same with us. Kahit umaraw man o umulan, we won't give up on each other kasi it will only make our relationship better and stronger."
"No way." Ly said when she saw the writings still there on the becnch.
"I told you!" Den said. "Wait, I'll take a picture of it."
Alyssa was just watching as Den takes photos of the bench. The writings weren't as clear as before but it's still there. It's still visible and readable.
"Sabi ko sayo, it will stay, eh. Baka mawawala lang yan if mag-break tayo." Den said.
"Good luck to you, then, Mr. Old bench!" Ly said and smirked as she points the bench.
Den chuckled at that and hugged Alyssa sideways as they both stare at the bench.
"I love you, babe. And even if mawala yang sulat na yan, hindi ka na mawawala dito." Ly said and pointed her chest. "Palagi ka nang andito." She said and smiled. "Happy anniversary ulit and thank you for making this one for the books."
"We both make this love one for the books, babe. I love you. Happy anniversary." Den said.
Ly planted a kiss on her forehead and they walk back to her car, hand in hand.
When they reached their unit, they just took a quick shower and nahiga na rin.
"Paano kung may nakakita pala satin kanina, babe?" Ly asked.
"So? Wala naman tayong ginawang masama, ah. Bumisita lang naman tayo kasi we missed Ateneo." Den answered.
"Do we really?" Ly chuckled.
"Well, I do. Ewan ko, ikaw." Den said.
"I do miss Ateneo rin naman. So many memories." Ly said.
"You're worried na baka may nakakita satin kanina eh we've done so much more worrisome and daunting things back in college pero, may nakahuli ba satin?" Den smirked. "Wala, diba."
"And by worrisome and daunting, you mean???" Ly said with her eyebrow raised.
"I mean," Den paused and made a playful pout. "You know, things we do at our place."
Ly chuckled, "Ano nga ulit yun?" She playfully asked.
"Hmmm.." Den said.
They looked at each other, smiled and both said, "What happens with Mr. Old bench, stays with Mr. Old bench!"
Loud laughter echoed in their room as they remember different memories they had with Mr. Old bench.
∆∆∆∆∆
"Love, ilang anak gusto mo?" Ly asked Den, out of the blue.
Den creased her forehead, "Bakit mo tinatanong? Gusto mo na ba?"
"Luh, anong ako?" Ly said. "Bakit sakin?"
"Sira ulo ka ba?! Alangan namang kanino?" Den said and hit her with a pillow.
Ly chuckled, "Joke lang, hahaha! Sakin na, sakin." She said. "So, ilan nga?"
"Hmm, maybe 2 or 3." Den answered.
"Gusto mo ba ng kambal?" Ly asked.
"Yeah. That would be great, lalo pag girl and boy."
"Luh, Carmina-Zoren lang ang peg?"
"Yes! Why not? Pwede naman, ah." Den said.
"Okay okay, noted." Ly said.
"Noted ka diyan? Anak na anak ka na ba?" Den said.
"Hindi naman. May napanood lang kasi ako sa YouTube na mag-girlfriend din tas may anak silang kambal. Parang ang cool lang." Ly answered.
"Sabi ko na, eh. Wag kasi kung anu-ano pinapanood mo!" Den said.
"Eh nakita ko, eh. Ang cute nga nila, eh. They call one of their moms, dadda." Kwento ni Ly.
"Eh yung isa?"
"Mommy lang."
"Ikaw, anong gusto mong tawag sayo ng magiging anak natin?" Den asked.
"Mommy." Ly answered.
"No, I'm the mom!" Den said.
"But, I am too???" Ly said.
"No, you're not. You're the other mom."
"What?" Natatawang sabi ni Alyssa.
"We can't let the kids call both of us mom! Nakakalito yon for them." Sabi ni Den.
"And we can't let them call me, 'the other mom' too?" Ly said.
"Ugh, ang kulit mo! Basta ako ang mommy!" Den insisted.
Ly chuckled, "Fine, fine. I'll make them call me babba na lang."
Den smiled at that, "That sounds good. Mommy and babba."
"I know." Ly said and pulled Den for a hug.
"But before that, can you please do the dishes first?" Den said.
Alyssa instantly separated from the hug, "It's not my sched tonight, love. You, do it."
"Please?" Den said and pouted.
"No, no. I don't see anything." Ly said and covered her face with her hands but she can see through her fingers naman. "Wala, wala! Ayoko!"
"Ngayon lang, love. Promise." Den said and pouted again.
Ly sighed and playfully glared at her with her arms folded on her chest.
"Ngayon lang, ah!" Ly said.
"Yey! Yes, ngayon lang. Thanks, love! I love you!" Den said and peppered Alyssa with kisses all over her face.
Alyssa went to wash the dishes while Den was just behind her, taking a video to be posted on her stories.
"Someone can't say no to my cute face. Thanks for washing the dishes for me, love!" Den said.
Ly heard that and she looked behind her and stick her tongue out when she saw Den's taking a video of her.
Den was taken aback from her thoughts and was startled when the door of their room slammed open. She firmly closed her eyes and mustered up all the courage she can have to face Alyssa.
"Kakain ka ba o magpapakamatay ka na sa pag-inom mo?" She coldly said.
Alyssa who is sitting on the floor looked up at her, "What do you want me to do?" She asked in a low and obviously drunk voice.
Den sighed and quickly wiped her tears, "Get your shit together, Ly." She said and left the room.
She knows Alyssa needs her but she can't bear the sight of her at this state. Between the two of them, Alyssa has always been the stabilizer. She always knows how to control things, control Den and her tendencies. But the Alyssa she's seeing right now is very far from the Alyssa she knows, the Alyssa she loved.
"L-love.." Ly called. "Love, p-please."
Den took a deep breath and made herself look decent before walking back to the room to face Alyssa.
"What?" She asked with a straight face.
"Can I get a hug?" Ly said like a kid.
"Ly, naman! Hindi mo--"
"Love, please. I love you." Ly said.
She forced herself to stand and slowly walked closer to Den. She held Den on the shoulders and launched herself to her.
"Love.." She whispered. "Please."
Den knows she can't resist this. She can't leave Alyssa just like that. Alyssa needs her, yes. But she also needs Alyssa. This drunkard right here is who she needs to keep her sane.
"I need you back, please." Den said and pushed Alyssa on the bed. "Let's stop this bullshit, Alyssa." She said and crashed her lips with Alyssa's.
The next thing they know, Alyssa's on top of Den and is already undressing her.
"I need you, Ly. Please, stay." Den said, chasing her breath.
"I will, Den. I promise, I will." Ly responded.
The next few moments were spent just making love with each other, if that's still what you can call it.
In the middle of the night, Den woke up and a sleeping Alyssa was what welcomed her. She sighed and stared at her for a couple of minutes before sitting on the edge of the bed.
She knows things have shifted between her and Alyssa. She very well know that this relationship isn't the same as the one they have before. It's more of the 'I need you' type of love rather than the 'I want you', and what hurts the most is that she knows this is on them, both.
It would be a little easier if it's just one of them who caused them to be like this. They could go on and talk then forgive the one at fault. But, no. They're a mess right now because both of them had their fair share of faults but no one is brave enough to admit it and no one wants to take full responsibility of it.
What they have right now is a very toxic relationship and in most ways is very wrong but neither of them wants to let go. Neither of them wants to give up. Not because they're sure they can still fix this, but because both of them are willing to take and accept each other, even if this thing between them is obviously broken.
"I'm sorry, babe." Ly said as she hug Den from the back and kiss her shoulder. "I'm sorry.."
Den took a deep breath and wiped her tears that started to fall from her eyes again.
"I'm sorry too." She said and faced Alyssa and cupped her face. "Let's go back to sleep." She said and forced herself to smile.
"Sorry ulit." Ly whispered to her ear.
She's now sober and is very much aware of what she's doing and what comes out of her mouth. Den can only bit her lower lip at that. For the past months, Alyssa's I love yous are only limited to when she's drunk. Once she's back to her senses, an I love you seems like a curse word to her - a poison in her mouth and a sin to be voiced out.
"Okay na yun. Let's just sleep it out. We won't let go, anyway." Den said as if it's a normal thing to say.
Ly sighed, "Gusto mo na ba?"
"I can't even if I want to. I won't be able to take it." Den answered.
"Me neither." Ly said.
"Night, Ly." Den said and closed her eyes then faced the other side of the bed.
"Tomorrow will be different." Ly said.
"I hope it won't." Den said.
She doesn't want their tomorrows to be different because it would mean uncertainty for them. This kind of set up, is wrong and hurts both of them, yes. But at least, they still have each other. At least, that.
Ly just sighed and faced the other side of the bed too and tried to get some sleep.
∆∆∆∆∆
"Are you still sure of what you have, Den?" Ella asked.
They're now here at AD's unit because Den didn't go to work today and wasn't replying to messages so Ella went to check on her. Turns out, she had a fight with Alyssa again last night, because she promised her they'd have dinner, but she forgot about it and Alyssa waited for 2 hours for nothing.
A fight they don't get to have before but now seems like a normal thing for them. Fights and arguments are part of their relationship now. It's not them if they don't shove each other's mistakes on their faces.
Den sighed, "No." She answered.
"Then why stay?"
"Do we always have to be sure about us? Can't we be humans? We make mistakes, Ella. But, that doesn't mean we have to give up." Den said.
"Are you sure, these are just mistakes and not faults?" Ella said which made Den crease her forehead. "Mistakes are forgivable. Madadaan pa yun sa usap at intidihan. But, faults? Faults create breaks and gaps which you might not be able to cross pag sobrang laki at layo na."
Sometimes, Ella can really be a walking book of wisdom. She has a lot stored and she knows when to let them out.
"It's a fault, Ells. A big and wide fault. We're too far from each other and we don't know if we can still go back and reach for each other's hands." Den said.
"I'll repeat my question, then. Why stay? Bakit kailangang patagalin pa ng ganito kung alam niyo namang wala na talaga?" Ella said. "You're just wasting each other's time and ruining each other's lives."
"I don't know. It hurts that everytime we're together there's a huge wall separating us from each other, but if as long as we still have each other, we'll take it, any day." Den answered. "It's always a make or break day for us but at least, we're still in each other's lives. I have her and she has me."
"Den, hindi. You don't have each other. You just think you do, but you clearly don't. It has been a long time since you lost each other, to each other." Ella said.
"You don't understand, Ella. Alyssa is my lifeline. She keeps me sane, keeps me alive and keeps me going. If I lose her, I'll lose myself too." Den said and wiped her tears.
Ella has a lot more to say but she chose to just keep it to herself. She knows Den too well and so, she knows that whatever she tells her, it would just be pointless. Den takes and listens to advices but when she has her mind set to something, she don't follow anyone or anything but herself and her beliefs. She just moved closer to Den and gave her a warm hug.
"You know I'm just here for you." Ella said and gently rubbed Den's back.
"Thanks, Ella. I love you."
"I love you, Den." Ella said.
On the other side of things, Alyssa is also with her friends.
"Tanginang buhay naman 'to, oh." She cursed when she saw an Instagram story from Ella which is a photo of her and Den and Den looks like she just cried. "Fuck.."
"Ano na naman?" Vic asked.
Alyssa threw her phone on the couch and looked at her friends, "I'm lost. I don't know what do to with us anymore."
"Oh, meron pa palang kayo?" Kim said.
"Fuck you." Ly said and glared at her.
"Di nga, Ly? Meron pa ba?" Vic said.
"Ano sa tingin niyo? Mamomroblema ba ako ng ganito kung wala?!" Ly said.
"Oh, bat galit?" Vic said and sat beside her on the couch.
They're now here at Vic's unit because Alyssa didn't go to work as well, so dinamayan na lang siya nung dalawa. When she woke up, she just reminded Den of how disappointed she is that their dinner didn't push through, then she left and went straight here.
"Alam mo kasi, mag-usap kayo nang maayos. Yung masinsinan. Wag kayo puro libog ang alam." Vic said.
"Tangina mo." Ly said.
"Bakit, hindi ba totoo?" Kim said and gave her a teasing look.
"Kailan ba kayo magkakaroon ng kwenta kausap?" Ly said and glared at them.
"Tangina, Ly. May kwenta kaming kausap. Yang mindset niyo ni Den ang walang kwenta." Vic said. "Taena, ano yon? Stay para sa sex? Yuck! Ang tatanda niyo na, ganyan pa rin asa isip niyo? You know what, I don't wanna judge the two of you--"
"You just did." Ly said with a straight face.
"Okay, I don't wanna judge the two of you but I just did, pero kasi, kingina niyong dalawa. Ano kayo, bata? Sabik sa ganyan? O talagang yan lang ang gusto niyo sa isa't-isa?" Vic said. "Kasi sa mga kwento mo, ganun ang labas niyo. Ano 'to? Kata-katawan na lang? Ni hindi ginamit ang isip o puso? Wala na, basta halika dito, painit tayo, ganun?"
"Wala akong kinukuwento sa inyong ganon." Ly said.
"Tanga, meron pag lasing ka. Madami." Kim said.
"Shit." Ly mumbled.
"Shit talaga. Shit yang ganyang sitwasyon, Ly." Vic said. "Kung alam niyo namang wala na, bitaw na lang. Lalo lang kayong masasaktan pag lalo niyong pinatagal na ganyan kayo. Wala rin namang patutunguhan, eh."
"Hindi yon dahil lang sa sex, Vic. Yes, we use it as an excuse so we can skip the talking part, but I need her. I need Den." Ly said, sounding like a child desperate for an ice cream from the ice cream shop. "I know it's wrong and we're both hurting from it but what can I do? She's my last recourse, Vic. Siya na lang ang meron ako. Hindi ko kakayanin kung pati siya, mawawala sa buhay ko."
"Selfish." Kim said.
"Sobrang selfish." Vic agreed.
"You're keeping her only because you need her? Do you even love her, Ly? O talagang pansarili na lang yang mga intentions mo?" Kim said with a hint of disappointment.
She just didn't expect na yung kaibigan nila na hinahangaan nila dati kasi sobrang saya ng relationship eh ganito na ngayon. Parang puro para na lang sa sarili niya ang iniisip ni Alyssa. Masyado na niyang idinipende kay Den yung happiness niya at hindi na niya alam ang buhay na wala si Den.
"Do you still love Den, Ly?" Vic asked.
Ly sighed, "She completes me."
"In what way? Because of what? Se--"
"It's not fucking sex, Vic!" Ly exclaimed. "It's something obviously deeper than just sex, fuck it!" She said and leaned on the couch. "It just became our avenue to release the feelings we can't tell each other, but it isn't just all about that."
"You can't even answer if you still love her, how can you expect me to believe it isn't just for sex?" Vic said and looked straight to Alyssa's eyes.
She's really doing this on purpose. She wants to squeeze everything she can squeeze from Alyssa. They want to know if her relationship with Den still has a path to go to or it's really just right at the edge of the cliff.
"Ano? Say it!" Vic said.
Ly's glaring at her and just let go when her phone rang.
"Den. What's up?" She said.
"Anong oras ka uuwi?" Den asked.
"I-I'm not at work. I can go home right now if you want." Ly answered.
"Please.." Den said.
"10 minutes, give me 10 minutes." Ly said.
"Okay. Ingat ka." Den said and ended the call.
"I'm going home." Ly said and stood up.
"For what? For it again?" Vic smirked.
"We need to make us feel alright." Ly answered and left.
She drove back to their unit at nakasalubong niya pa si Ella sa lobby.
"Ella.." She said.
Ella tapped her shoulder, "I know you're both better than this." She said and walked past Alyssa.
Alyssa watched her be gone from her sight then she went to their unit. She opened the door and didn't see Den in the living room so she went to their room. There, she saw Den standing infront of the window. She carefully walked inside and gently tapped Den's shoulder. Den snapped her head at her and they exchanged knowing smiles.
"Sorry." Den said. "I was busy the whole day, yesterday and lost track of time. I forgot I promised you dinner. Sorry talaga." She said and looked down.
Alyssa held Den's chin and made her look up to her, "I was hurt, not gonna lie." She said. "I thought we're finally gonna fix this, Den. I so hopeful last night. Everyday has been make or break days for us but last night, I thought, would be the biggest one, yet. But, I was wrong again. I was turned down again and I think, I can't get myself to try again." She said and sighed. "I'm tired, Den. I know you are too."
"Are we giving up?" Den asked.
That's one problem with them. The things that are supposed be decided on, individually are always decided on for the two of them, together. They always ask each other what the other wants. Yes, they're in a relationship and they really need to communicate well, but sometimes, you gotta work things out on your own.
Sometimes, you gotta make things work in your own way, in your own phase and in your own control. But that hasn't been the case for them. They've depended each their lives on each other quite too much that the thought of them separating and being alone scares them so much.
"Can we? Can we throw everything we shared with each other down the drain?" Ly asked back.
Den walked closer to Alyssa but every step she makes, Alyssa steps back.
"Ly.." Den softly said and reached out for Ly's hands.
"Fuck!" Ly said and pushed Den to the bed.
As soon as she felt Den's touch, she lost it. She knows this will only lead to more messed up days for them, but she couldn't care less. This is not why she stays, this is why she's here. To make love, to make Den feel like she's not alone, to make each other feel that no matter how much it hurts, they'll stay. They'll let fear get the best of them.
"Ly.." Den called while they're lying on the bed.
Alyssa's leaning on the headboard while Den has her head on her chest as she hug Alyssa.
"Hmm.." Ly answered.
"What are we, really?" Den asked.
Alyssa swallowed the invisible lump in her throat, "We're scared, Den. Scared to be lonely."
do we need somebody,
just to feel like we're alright?
~
Idk if this turned out the way I wanted it to, but it's here anyway. Lol. Just had to let this out 'cause the song's been stuck in my head for days, now.
Yun lang naman. Ingat kayo lagi.
🖤✨🤍