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What was it about birthdays?
Every year, in the weeks leading up to mine I've always dreaded that cursed date. It was too much stress, too much preparation, too much unknown. I'd much rather stay home, maybe invite over a few friends and treat myself to some cake and ice cream. We'd laugh, play a few games, and then everyone would go home, returning to their normal schedules in the morning.
Devon came around and changed all of that though.
The first August of our friendship he had surprised me with meet and greet tickets for a band that I was a huge fan of. I had mentioned it to him in passing not thinking much of it but like the sweetheart he was, he noted that my nonchalant mention of the event meant I really wanted to go.
So, he made it happen.
He endured every second of the fawning girls screaming around him, which was ironic considering the reputation he had worked so hard to maintain. He wasn't a boy band type of kid, I got that. Yet he followed me around that venue smiling and laughing because I was having the time of my life, and that was all he cared about.
He'd start to top himself every year after that. It became a challenge for him, a game of 'let's see how bad I can make Summer feel about getting me shitty gifts.' I mean it wasn't my fault I wasn't as creative as him, he was so infuriating with all of his hidden talents I just couldn't keep up. He even made me a few paintings as just because gifts when he was getting into art. He'd invite me to his house and show me pages full of sketches and drafts, and a garage full of colorful canvases he poured everything he had into.
I asked him why he was so secretive about this side of him, but he assured me it wasn't a secret.
"I'm not hiding it Summer it's just, everything I do is always on display. This is something I can have to myself without the influence of others."
I didn't ask him about it again after that.
Since Devon was arrested, those little moments I'd shared with him were playing in my head like a movie. I thought about everything I'd ever said to him, everything we've ever done with each other, and held onto it like it was the last thing I'd ever remember. It had been two weeks without him, and I didn't know how I was still standing. I felt an incredible amount of guilt for what had happened. I wondered, if I hadn't run inside to tell my parents, they would've never called the police and Devon would've been fine. Wanting to protect him landed him in the very place I wanted to keep him out of.
Tyler had given me time off for obvious reasons, but I wished he hadn't. Now with nothing to do I spent my time in bed crying my eyes out forcing my brain to think of Devon. Honestly, I was afraid that I might forget him. When I wasn't locked away in my room, I was at his house, meeting with the lawyer with Sandra. None of the meetings were ever promising, he based Devon's freedom solely on the chance that Chris would have a change of heart and drop the charges. I guess on the bright side he didn't judge Devon for his actions. He had a sixteen-year-old daughter that just started dating so he related to him.
His words exactly were, "if someone did to my daughter what that son of a bitch did to you, well, they'd lock me up and throw away the key."
It wasn't as comforting as he thought it would be, but I appreciated the sentiment if you could even call it that.
Tyler, Jess, and Maya all extended their trips, wanting to help support Devon throughout this entire process. They were looking on the bright side while I was beginning to feel like a burden to them. I felt especially bad for Jess so I opted to stay at Devon's house with his mother's permission of course. I packed some things and camped out in his room, desperately needing something to remind me of him.
Everything in there was still, stagnant. His bed was perfectly made, clothes all put away neatly. His pillows and sheets smelled like him and for the first couple of nights, I cried into them, washing the scent away with my tears. The silence was the worst part, even my sobs were silent. I wanted so badly to scream; the pain was relentless. I was being swallowed whole by grief and there was nothing I could do but let it destroy me.
I know it sounds strange to say that I was grieving him because he wasn't dead, but it was still a loss. I couldn't see him, couldn't talk to him, there was no difference in my eyes. Maybe it would have hurt less if he actually was dead, there would be no more unknowns, no more waking up in the middle of the night worried about his well-being. I'd be devastated, but I'd have some sort of peace..right?
A few more days passed before I'd had enough. I was going to go to work, taking back some of the normalcy I'd lost. I knew for sure I'd go crazy if I didn't.
"Summer? Are you even listening?"
Tyler had insisted I be 'screened' by him before returning to my desk. "Yes, and I told you I was fine, can I go back to work now?" He rocked back and forth in his chair, squinting his eyes at me. "No, I'm not done talking to you, here." I didn't want any gifts, didn't want to be reminded of my birthday. "I told you I didn't want a gift, Tyler." Still, I took it and tucked the envelope into my purse, telling myself I'd open it, eventually.
"I hope you know nothing has changed Summer. My father pulled a few strings, and this transgression of Devon's will remain under wraps. His scholarship is still intact, scouts are still looking at him, his life will remain as it was."
"Everything has changed Tyler! All that may be true but he's not here! He's not here." My body betrayed me as tears flooded my face, mascara burning my eyes. Tyler didn't say a word. He just watched as I buried my head in my knees, crying for what felt like the hundredth time today. He never asked if I was okay, not when he found out Devon had been arrested, or any day after that. He knew I wasn't, anyone with a brain could see. He carried normal conversations with me, and if I started crying, he'd pause, give me my moment, and carry on as if nothing happened. Some might call it insensitive, but I thought it was compassionate. Are you okay was a knife being plunged and twisted, slowly sucking the life out of me.
I never wanted to hear it again.
"You know he came to see me after you two got into that fight."
"He did?"
A smirk appeared on Tyler's face and vanished as quickly as it came.
"Yes, to think I was the one full of surprises." He pulled a folder out from under a pile and began jotting notes on pages, smiling to himself. "Are you not going to say what you talked about?" I thought that maybe Devon wasn't being completely honest when he said he wasn't threatened by Tyler. "No, I'm afraid I can't tell you that. Devon's wishes." As always, he was enjoying himself way too much. "Can you tell me one thing?" He lifted his head to look at me, intrigued by my plea.
"Of course."
"Was it about the fight?"
He paused.
"Not in the slightest."
"Then what-"
"I'm afraid you only get one question, Ms. Nolan." His attention was now back onto his work, that smug smile still intact. "Fine, I'm going to my desk." I grabbed my things as quickly as I could and stomped towards the door.
"Summer?"
"What?" I came off a lot harsher than I intended to be. "Do you trust Devon?" What kind of question was that? "I trust him with my life, why?"
"Then trust that he knows what he's doing and that he'll be fine."
"Tyler I-"
"You're dismissed, Ms. Nolan."
I slammed his door on my way out.
...
I just recently discovered another soul-crushing negative to Devon being gone. There will be moments where something happens, something so unbelievably unimportant happens and I want to tell him all about it, except I couldn't. I'll pull out my phone, ready to text him only to realize I won't be getting an answer. It was the most devastating part about his absence.
After work, I drove to his house from the train station in silence. Everything reminded me of him, the music we listened to, the way my hand gripped the steering wheel, even the fucking streets reminded me of him. Every day was a constant battle, that I was steadily losing.
"Hey Ms. H, Liv." I waved lazily before running up the stairs to lock myself in Devon's room for the night. "Sweetie? It's me can I come in?" I didn't see why not it was her house. "Sure Ms. Harris!" She barged in the room smiling, carrying a plate of food. "Call me Sandra, Ms. Harris makes me feel old." I smiled as she set the plate down on the nightstand next to me before sitting down herself.
"You need to eat."
"I will, I'm just not hungry right now."
She smiled knowingly, "You know, when I found out Tony got another woman pregnant, I was livid, but I was also depressed. I drank, smoked, broke things. Anything I could do to forget him. Even eating disgusted me, and I love to eat." She patted her stomach, pointing out the slight pudge that was present.
"I didn't tell Dev or Liv this, but I started going to therapy and it helped me a lot. I think it'll help you too."
"I don't know Ms.- I mean Sandra. This is hardly a reason for me to go to therapy." She raked a piece of hair behind my ear before speaking again, "No reason is too small for therapy, but I wasn't suggesting you go because of Devon. Honey, you have a lot of healing to do, and you don't have to do it alone. I know Chris coming back has probably opened some old wounds that you thought were long gone." I bowed my head in embarrassment. "All I'm saying is to try it, I'll leave my therapist's card right here, and you can decide if you wanna go or not, kay?" She pulled the small rectangular card out of her pocket and placed it next to the food.
"Now, while you're in this house you need to follow my rules and I need you to eat, now!"
I grabbed the plate and began eating, fearing punishment if I didn't.
"That was good, wasn't it?" We both laughed. "Yes, it was very convincing." She smiled, blowing me a kiss before leaving me to myself. Once I was done eating, I placed the plate back on the nightstand, making a mental note to wash it in the morning. My eyes lingered on that little white card Sandra had left and I picked it up, examining its contents.
Maybe therapy would be good for me?
I returned the card to its original location and switched off the light, ready to endure another night without Devon by my side.
Days Later
"She's insufferable to be around, one minute she's fine and the next she's screaming bloody murder. I swear if she doesn't have this baby within the next few days, I'm going to lose it."
Tyler had spent the last thirty minutes complaining about Rachel's recent behavior. She was nine months now, her exact due date being September second. Unfortunately for Tyler, it was only August twentieth.
"Have some compassion, I'm sure she's feeling nervous about her due date approaching." The idea of delivering a child made me shudder. "Compassion my ass, what about compassion for me?" Tyler threw another drink back like it was nothing.
"You're awful." I laughed before ordering myself another drink, feeling tipsy already. He tilted his glass to me before chugging it, shaking his head immediately from the taste. "Anyway, are you feeling any better?"
"Drinking doesn't solve anyone's problems Tyler."
He laughed, resting his head in his hand before turning to face me. "Yes, but it's a damn good distraction." I couldn't argue with that. I had one more drink before cutting myself off, I didn't want to be piss drunk going back to my house, Jess would kill me. Although, it would have been payback for all of those times I took care of her when she was drunk.
"I'm gonna go use the bathroom and then we should go." Tyler only nods his head and waves me off before a flirty brunette waltzed over to him, capturing his attention. "Excuse me?" I felt a hand on my lower back, and I smacked it away. "Wanting to speak to me is one thing, but please do not put your hands on me." The man threw his hands up and backed away.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you were just walking so fast I didn't know how else to get your attention." I scanned his face, noticing a few wrinkles and the presence of crow's feet. I would have to assume he was in his middle to late thirties with a typical nine to five kind of job. After all he was at the bar on a Tuesday night in work attire.
Then again so was I so I guess I really couldn't judge.
"Did you think that maybe I was walking fast because I had somewhere to be?"
He laughed and put his hands in his pockets. "You're right so I'll make this quick. I've seen you over at the bar with your friend and I wanted to say you are the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen."
"What about your wife?"
His eyes widened and he cleared his throat, trying to find a rebuttal. "I saw your hand before you shoved it in your pocket. It's a nice wedding band. It's a shame your wife is married to a pig like you." The liquid courage was the only reason I had the balls to call him out like that.
"Besides I'm twenty-two and I have a boyfriend, so I don't think I'm your type, enjoy your night though."
The urge to use the bathroom was gone now and all I wanted to do was leave. Tyler was still engrossed in conversation with the tall brunette when I had made my way back over to him.
The two looked much cozier than they were when I'd left them.
"Are you ready to go?" The pair looked up at me inquisitively. "Is this your girlfriend?" The woman asked. Tyler scoffed into his cup and glanced at me, "no, I never even had a chance, this is a friend of mine Summer, Summer this is Stacy." She rolled her eyes and offered me a fake smile. "It's Sarah." I tried my best to stifle a laugh. "Hi, Sarah. Clearly, our friend here is way too drunk to continue this conversation, so I think it's time to go. Would you like to leave him your number or something before we leave?" She looked him over before walking away, cursing under her breath.
"Didn't think so."
"Hey! You just cock blocked me." Tyler yelled as I helped him up from his seat.
Why was I always taking care of drunks?
"I didn't cock block you; you barely knew the girl's name anyway." I quickly ordered an Uber and thanked the man above that the driver was three minutes away. "Could you try to hold your own weight? You're taller and a lot heavier than me." Tyler giggled as I struggled to walk him to the exit. "I can walk, I just liked the idea of you taking care of me." He picked himself up, stumbling before regaining his stance.
"See?"
"Yeah, whatever."
We waited for only a few seconds before the driver pulled up, "there you go, nice and steady." He fell into the car laughing. I settled in beside him, huffing as I watched the bar fade off into the distance. I was sober by the time the Uber made it to Tyler's house and I looked on laughing as his dad reluctantly helped him out of the car. "Are you sure we can't get you to stay? It's late." James would ask. I shook my head, "no it's okay, I'm ready to go home." He nodded and patted on the roof of the car before continuing into the house.
"Miss me?" I teased before kicking off my heels, Jess paused the tv smiling. "Back for good or just for the night?" I plopped down beside her sighing. "I miss my bed. I think I heard Maya and Ty in the guest room on my way here." We both laughed, trying desperately to catch our breaths. It felt good to laugh, I haven't in a while.
"I'm thinking of going to therapy" I confessed. Jess turned to face me, smiling softly. "That could be really good for you Sum, I'm proud of you." I sunk into my pillow, opening and closing my locket.
"Yeah, I really think so too."
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END♡
This chapter broke me bye.
On another sad note, we are almost at the end of Just For A Moment, I estimate no more than 10 more chapters left. Maybe even less than that tbh.
Til the next one besties💛