I varje hjärta armt och mörkt
sänd du en stråle blid.
En stråle av Guds kärleks ljus
i signad juletid.
. . .
In every heart poor and dark
you send a gentle gleam.
A gleam of the love of Gods light
in blessed Christmas time.
"Nu tändas tusen juleljus" ("Now light up thousand Christmas candles"), Emmy Köhler
Harry had kept close to Malfoy all day. When he had gotten up that morning he had showered and dressed and then walked to the dorm where Malfoy slept to make sure that he would accompany him to breakfast. Because McGonagall said that he should watch over Malfoy all the time, and he translated that to as soon as he got out of bed till he went to bed.
Luckily, Malfoy and Nott were just getting ready to go and have breakfast as well, or more precisely Nott was packing their bags while Malfoy stared out the window. He didn't even turn when Harry knocked or Nott opened the door.
"Ah, here to prevent any more falling bookshelves then?" was Nott's greeting. "Draco, Potter is here to pick you up!" he called and made it sound so wrong, in so many ways. Apparently Malfoy thought so too, since he turned around at that and grabbed his bag that Nott was holding out to him with a "Shut up." before storming off.
Nott just smiled and stalked after him, and Harry did the same.
Harry had gotten Ron up with him, and he was waiting in the common room. At the sight of the blond storming down the stairs, Harry saw him sigh before heaving himself up from the armchair where he was dozing comfortably.
Harry heard him mumble something like "Who gets up at this hour, really?" when the two of them walked after the Slytherins to the Great Hall.
The day followed in a similar manner to the prior one, Harry and his friends followed the Slytherins, but always stayed about ten meters away, never talking to each other.
It was after their last class when Malfoy first approached him.
"I'm going back to the Tower because I didn't bring my lyrics with me this morning, and you're coming with me." he announced and then turned around, walking away and Harry had to run after him to catch up.
"Really Malfoy, you could be more polite." He pointed out.
"And you could have been there to stop the whole Nordic folklore section from crushing me."
"You're never gonna let me live that down, are you?"
"You couldn't be more right."
They walked quickly through the corridors. Luckily it wasn't far between their last class and the Tower, so they got there in five minutes. Malfoy clambered up the stairs in a hurry and Harry followed, trying hard not to stare at the Slytherin's arse when it was at eye-level.
"Why are you practically running?"
"Because I don't want to be late." He turned his head around and snapped.
"We have twenty minutes, how slow are you planning on walking?" Harry exclaimed as they stepped inside Malfoy's dorm. Malfoy didn't look at him and instead started to throw around his things in search.
"I had it yesterday..." he muttered to himself, like it was strange that he couldn't find it. Harry had a bad feeling about this.
"Where did you see it last?" Harry asked carefully.
"In my bag! I put it in my bag after that researching session with Granger yesterday."
"Maybe it's with the books that you borrowed?"
Malfoy looked up from where he was kneeling beside his drawer and slowly stood. He walked to the pile of books, never taking his eyes off Harry. Harry fidgeted uncomfortably under his gaze, and he looked down just for a moment as he pulled out a familiar scroll.
"How did you know?" he asked suspiciously.
"I didn't, just guessed."
Malfoy didn't look at all like he believed him, but he dropped it oddly enough and just said "Let's go." and pushed past Harry.
"Malfoy!" Harry ran after the quickly striding Slytherin and caught his wrist as they entered the common room. Something bolted through Harry from where he was touching Malfoy and he suddenly didn't know if he wanted to let go or pull closer. Instead he turned Malfoy around so that they were face to face and kept his grip, in case Malfoy wanted to run away again.
"There's something you're not telling me," he said slowly and Malfoy didn't even look at him.
"I – I just have a bad feeling, alright?" he hissed. "I just want to get to the choir room as soon as possible."
"Why?"
"I don't know, okay!" He broke Harry's grip and started walking, or half running more precisely, and Harry could somehow see that Malfoy thought of himself as pathetic. If it had been the other way around he would have called Harry the same for being frightened of something that he couldn't name, and clearly he thought the same of himself.
But Harry didn't. He understood the feeling of being scared but not being able to pinpoint the source of that fear, to just have the feeling something bad lurked around the corner. He wanted to tell Malfoy to listen to his guts, but he didn't think that he would listen to him right now.
They walked more quickly now than before, and Malfoy almost jumped at every student that came around the corner. And there were many. Harry guessed that they were all heading to their dormitories to drop off their bags and then to head to dinner since it was that time of the evening.
"Harry!" someone called and he turned around to see Ginny running towards him. "Aren't you going to dinner?" she asked.
"What? No, I have another lesson."
"You know, all the eighth years are eating dinner quite late these days, why is that?"
"Oh, that's because we all have another lesson, which I need to go to right now, actually." Harry was itching to get away, because if Malfoy felt the need to get to the choir room as quickly as possible, Harry felt that he needed to make that happen.
"Harry, why are you walking with Malfoy?" Ginny asked finally, as if that was her real question. Harry turned around to find that Malfoy wasn't anywhere in sight.
"Shit!" he burst out, "Er, Ginny, I'm really late. I'll talk to you later." And with that, he ran in the direction of the choir room, praying that it was all okay, and deep down knowing it wasn't.
Ever since he had found that he didn't have his scroll with him, Draco had felt something was out of place. Theo wouldn't have forgotten it when he packed Draco's bag this morning, for one because it was already in his bag, and two because Theo always seemed to know exactly what Draco needed to have with him every day. Sometimes he knew even better than Draco himself. And therefore, it was strange that his scroll wasn't in his bag.
He wanted to get to the choir room as quickly as possible, and he didn't know why, and that irritated him more than anything. He felt like something was waiting for him, out to get him, and it was ridiculous! It was like Pansy, and her unreasonable fear of Potter He suddenly knew how she felt.
It reminded him of the war, to have the Dark Lord living in his house, never knowing what was going to happen and whether he was safe or not in his own home. It felt like that.
Suddenly he found himself in the middle of an empty corridor, quiet as death. The torches, one by one started to burn down. From the other end of the corridor darkness started coming towards him, slowly and steady.
Draco was paralyzed where he was standing looking at the darkness that was about to consume him. The thoughts running around his head sounded like; I knew it! and Why isn't someone pulling me away?
And then it hit him. He was alone. Potter wasn't with him. And just like that, all he could see was darkness.
All alone, are you?
What? Who said that? Draco wanted to scream out, but his lips wouldn't open. A cold breath ran down his neck, and he turned around to find nothing there.
So you are alone?
No, he wanted to say. Potter would be there, of course he would. But why had he left him at all?
Of course you are. You're always alone.
No, he wasn't. He had friends, people he could trust. His hand finally reacted, and he reached for his wand in his pocket.
You're always alone.
Something hard and cold hit him, knocking the breath out of him and he fell to ground.
You know why? Because you aren't worth protecting.
"... no." he breathed out, wand forgotten, just trying to get the voice to stop. It was wrong. He was important, he was loved –
No, you're not. You aren't worth anything, Draco.
"You're wrong." He tried to shut the voice out, desperately wanting to ignore it, putting his hands to his ears.
Pathetic, you're so pathetic.
Who would want anything to do with you?
You're nothing but a burden.
Who would love you?
"No, no, no ,no."
No one loves you, why would they?
You are not worthy to live.
Not worth protecting.
That's why he let that shelf fall down on you, wasn't it?
"No, no, NO!"
Strong hands touched him, pulling him, trying to drag him into the darkness, and Draco screamed and pushed, trying to get away, but he had no control over his body anymore, with hands shaking him, and that voice, so cold and harsh.
Who would love you?
Harry ran as fast as his feet could take him, cursing himself for letting Draco out of his sight. This was all his fault. He shouldn't have let Ginny distract him.
He stopped dead at the sight before him.
It was a wall, right in front of him, a wall of darkness. With an unsteady hand he tried to touch it, and saw how his hand disappeared and still he felt nothing but cold.
Malfoy was in there, he was sure.
Without thinking, he drew his wand and cast the first spell that came to mind.
"Expecto Patronum!" Harry shouted and saw his stag light up the darkness so that he could see.
"Perfect." he mumbled. "Well, come on! Malfoy is in there, we have to find him!" he snapped at his stag and ran blindly into the dark with his Patronus by his side.
"... no, no, no, no, no – " Harry heard someone say, and the words grew louder and louder as he ran towards the source.
In the blue light that his Patronus cast, he saw a black-cloaked figure with platinum blond hair curled up in a tiny ball on the stone floor, shaking furiously.
"Malfoy." He breathed and fell on his knees.
"... no, no, NO!" Malfoy was shouting, and Harry saw how he had his hands covering his ears like he was hearing something dreadful. But the corridor was quiet, except for the sounds that came from Malfoy.
Desperately, Harry tried to get Malfoy to look at him, to show him that there was nothing to be afraid of, but as soon as he touched Malfoy's shoulders, he screamed with a cry that made Harry's blood freeze in his veins, and the blond pulled away from him.
"Malfoy!" he shouted and gripped harder, not letting Malfoy go no matter what. He knew if he did he would never be able to get Malfoy to wake up from wherever his mind had gone.
Malfoy was crazy, screaming, kicking, punching Harry, desperately fighting to get away, and Harry pulled him as close as he could while Malfoy's hands were pushing against his chest.
Harry noticed how Malfoy's eyes were clenched shut and Harry shook him, trying to get them to open.
"Malfoy!" he screamed again, "Open your fucking eyes! I'm here! I'm sorry I left you, but I'm here now. Come back to me. Open your eyes!" He cupped one of Malfoy's cheeks and forced his head up. "Look at me Malfoy. Open your eyes. I'm here, you're not alone."
At Harry's skin to skin touch he felt the same rush as before, and Malfoy stopped pushing him. He felt Malfoy's fists curl in his sweater and he couldn't look away from that pale face, only inches away from him. He felt Malfoy's breath on his face, smelling like apples as Malfoy breathed heavily into Harry's mouth.
Slowly, oh so slowly, grey eyes opened, unsure and searching, like it was the first time they opened and saw the world, and Harry found he couldn't look away from them. They were beautiful, just like Malfoy's voice, clear like water, deep as an ocean, and bright as thunder.
Trembling, Malfoy dropped his head onto Harry's shoulder, and before Harry could register it, he was pulling Malfoy close, hugging him tightly. He inhaled Malfoy's scent, laying his cheek on his head and feeling the soft and smooth hair, and Harry felt he could sit like that forever.