"Garcia! He has a gun!"
Penelope scrambled for the gun on the table and shot the man just before he could shoot her. She couldn't really hear anything- she could barely tell that she was rambling- but through the ringing she could just make out Spencer's words.
"Garcia... you saved my life..."
Penelope looked down at Spencer's grave, where she had just arranged a large variety of flowers and notes and pictures around the foot of the headstone. "Guess that was a one time thing, huh?" She whispered, her voice barely working. It was hard to believe that he had been gone for three months.
It was hard to believe that he was gone.
What was easy to believe, however, was how much the team had changed because of it.
Maybe it was good Hotch was more open with his emotions. But that was only because he was in a deep state of depression, and he didn't know how to hide it. He had lost Haley, his wife, and now Spencer, who had been an odd mix between brother and son to him. But whether Hotch had lost a son or a brother didn't matter, because in either instance of great tragedy, Spencer was gone. And this was the second time Hotch had a chance to save a loved one-- and failed. He was considering quitting his job: the BAU didn't need him, and maybe they never did.
Rossi didn't like being alone because, any time he was, the empty room would remind him that something-- someone-- was missing, and he wouldn't be coming back. Every morning, he would look over the bullpen and feel relief that all of his agents had come to work that morning. Sending them home felt like a death sentence-- what if something happened to one of them? Would the team-- would he-- be able to take it? They had taken Spencer for granted time and time again, but this time there was no lesson and no chance to do better. This consequence was more permanent. Rossi henceforth vowed never to take his team granted again. He payed them every respect, offered every kindness, cherished them, and helped them. He would always be there if anyone on his team had a problem. But the team wasn't as sure about Rossi as he was of them. No matter how much they confided in him, he would never burden them with feelings he didn't know how to express. They couldn't tell if he even felt anything about Spencer's death.
JJ had changed massively. She had once been known for being a kind-hearted , smiling presence that would be the most helpful comforting victims or consoling families. Now, she was a grim faced, no nonsense profiler ready to rip apart anyone in the interrogation room. She had, like Hotch, turned to her work. She drowned herself in it-- she was confused enough that she thought it was helping her. It was like she thought that finding Spencer's killer would bring him back-- so naturally she became even worse when the case was dropped and filed as unsolved. Not only was her work life devouring her, but her home life was receding. Will had just packed his and Henry's bags and announced that he was taking Henry on a trip to give him a break and a distraction.
"Look, I know things are bad for you, I understand that. I'm not mad, I'm not even disappointed." He had whispered. "But Henry sits up in bed every night, thinking that you aren't actually gonna come home. He keeps asking me when he's gonna see Uncle Spencer again. I don't know what to tell him-- and I get that you're avoiding answering him, too. But we can't lie to him forever, and you can't avoid us completely. I know you're busy, but you promised you would get a break soon and spend some time with him. Three months ago. At this point he thinks you were lying, and that you don't wanna see him. I'm gonna take him on a trip and let him have a breather. It's okay if you aren't any better when we get back, I don't expect you to solve all your problems while we're gone." He had paused and sighed sadly. "It would be better if you came, too.... but I know what work is to you right now. I wouldn't ask you to leave it." He had kissed her on the forehead, and said goodbye.
Emily was more reserved now. She suffered in silence, hardly able to communicate her pain. Talking about it almost never made her feel better, but she, Morgan, and Hotch had grown closer. They felt comfortable opening up to each other: they were supposed to be the strongest on the team, so knowing they had someone to turn to, especially someone with the same problem, made them feel more stable. Emily continued to stay quiet otherwise. She didn't have furious outbursts like JJ. She had only had one, immediately after Spencer's death.
She had yelled at Spencer's mother, Diana Reid.
"What do you mean, you don't believe me?"
Diana had seemed annoyed. "Spencer isn't dead. I know it."
Although Emily was astounded, she attempted to continue calmly. "Mrs Reid. I know it's hard to come to terms with. But his funeral is this weekend. We are offering you free transportation there and back, it would be greatly appreciated if you attended--"
"Why would I go to the funeral for someone who's alive?"
"You wouldn't." Emily said slowly. The woman's son was dead, she had to be sympathetic. And it was Spencer's funeral they were talking about, why wouldn't she, of all people, go? She took a deep breath. "Mrs Reid, I don't know how to be more clear with you--"
"You couldn't convince me." Diana was becoming more irritated.
"And why not?"
"Because you died, didn't you? You're still here? Or is it just a hallucination, because I have just so many of those, I can never tell if someone is real or not." She had responded sarcastically. "I would know if my son was dead. A mother knows."
"Yeah? Then where would he be?"
"Oh, I don't know. Is it possible that he, as Spencer told me that Agent Morgan says, 'pulled an Emily?'"
Emily clenched her jaw. She was trying to control herself desperately. "Spencer did not 'pull an Emily'. He was in his apartment with a bomb. The bomb went off before we could get him out. I can show you the pictures, hand you dust and ash from the leftovers of the building, take you to the building and show you myself. Spencer is gone."
"And did you recover a body?"
"The explosion was too strong. There wasn't anything to recover." Emily could see where this was going.
"Mhm. And you can prove he was in the building?"
Emily was furious now. Spencer had been dead too long for his mother to still be resisting like this. She was tired, stressed, vengeful, and depressed. Something inside of her broke, and she let her fury be released. "MRS REID. THIS IS NOT AN EPISODE OF STRANGER THINGS. YOUR SON IS NOT STUCK IN SOME PARALLEL WORLD, OR BEING HELD IN SOME LAB BY MONSTERS AND DOCTORS. HE IS DEAD AND HE IS NOT COMING BACK. He's not coming back..." She let herself sob in front of Diana. How could she be hurt more than a dead man's mother? And the Stranger Things reference may have completely confused Diana, but Emily had it stuck in her head. That was the show that she and Spencer had stayed up all night binge watching a couple days before he died. She had tried so hard not to get attached to the team when she first joined... look where that had gotten her.
Morgan wasn't even trying to stay his cool, play boy self; something had changed in him when Spencer died. Spencer hadn't been just some random kid he teased and messed with. And he had been a brother. But Morgan seemed to have lost part of himself, too. Often, Morgan would simply go into a trance, and be unresponsive for at least minutes. Other times, he'd have flashbacks, PTSD from when he lost Spencer, and he'd begin to hyperventilate. He ended up getting prescribed an inhaler for when he couldn't catch his breath. He thought it didn't feel like much of a solution. Why did it have to be Spencer? Morgan would have killed for the chance to take his place. Even if they never saw each other again either way, Spencer would be there for the team. They would all be more like themselves. He himself wasn't as big of a loss as their boy genius. Even though it hurt him that he (thought he) was less valuable, he could understand why. If he were anyone else, he would always regret Spencer Reid's death more than Derek Morgan's.
Penelope just didn't know how to deal with grief. She watched all her friends try to find ways to help themselves cope. She herself had stopped them from the most unhealthy. She had kept Rossi from alcoholism, convinced Emily not to try drugs, stopped Morgan from smoking, Hotch from locking himself up and starving, and JJ from ending her happy marriage (a completely irrational decision that sounded right to a furious and drunken JJ). Not once had they had to keep Penelope from making any terrible decisions-- or a decision that she could agree was horrible. They had, of course, tried to convince her not to leave the BAU. They were unsuccessful. Garcia knew it was wrong, but she missed the distraction that her work had provided. Was it better that she had completely given up, rather than become completely reckless, like JJ? Or become like Hotch and tried to ignore everything by offering her full attention to work? Or just gone completely solemn and silent, like Emily? Penelope wanted to be happy again so badly, but was that even possible, when she could never get over the grief because she didn't know any method to move on?
But none of that mattered anymore. She had recently been asked back to work, and, having nothing else, decided to take it. The team was currently working a case personal to them. Hotch was being targeted, and they were sure the unsub would reach out to them soon. Now it was just a waiting game. There was no way to know if yet another team member would be taken from them.
Penelope stood up. She waved goodbye to Spencer's resting place and headed back to her car so she could return to the BAU. Her lunch break was almost over.