I squirm my eyes and quickly open them when I still feel unraveled in darkness, fear, and the unknown of what is going to happen to me.
I start panting as I realize what just happened to me, what I got myself into.
It feels like something very bad is going to happen. I shake off my head.
I'm near the stairs, far away from these silhouettes but perhaps near a worse person.
I look around, trying to adjust my eyes to the minimal lighting and I notice the man standing by my side. I can't see his face, but he is looking over his shoulder at the spot he dragged me from.
I want to scream but I'm paralyzed with fear and I'm not sure I'd want to be saved by those sketchy men over there. I'm completely utterly fucked.
"Please, let me go-" I force myself to speak and the man finally turns to me, the dim lights slightly shining onto his features.
"Dominic..." I mutter confused as I try to rub my eyes. Maybe I'm dreaming, but it seems more like a nightmare.
He puts his finger to his lips and gestures me to be quiet. My heart starts beating fast. What is happening?
The shadow figures are slowly leaving and I breathe out heavily, relieved.
I'm with Dominic, I'm fine.
But why is he here?
And if I don't meet up with those people, what is going to happen to Derek? Are they going to call me again?
Dominic comes to me and kneels near me, he presses his hand against his mouth and rubs his chin. I've never seen him this bothered.
"Veronica..." he starts softly. "You have no idea what you got yourself into."
I can swear my heart missed a beat, I place my hands on the rough wall as I push myself up, my palms grinding against the scratchy material.
"What happened? Why are you here?" I ask confused as I look around. My eyes now adjusting to the creepy lighting.
"Why am I here? Why are you here?" he emphasizes on 'you', completely disappointed but not surprised.
"Derek. They threatened Derek."
I stand up, now at the same eye level as him. He grabs my wrist and takes a look at it.
"I'm sorry for dragging you so harshly."
I shake my head as if it's nothing. I'm ok.
"You are making it worse for Derek. You need to stop." He quickly changes his tone from apologetic to threatening.
"Did you lie to me? Do you see him?" I purse my lips into a straight line.
"Gosh, Ronny, stop. This isn't good for you."
"Then what is good for me? Tell me, Dom."
"Focus on college, go out with your friends, even date some guy, but forget Derek."
It's almost as if he put a knife through my chest and then said sorry. Not almost. It is.
"Why do you want me to forget him so badly?"
Why is everyone so obsessed with me moving on?
"Because Derek wants you to."
My heart drops to my stomach, I turn around to not face him and I ignore the tears threatening to escape from my eyes.
Dominic must be lying to me, he is seeing him, he is talking to him about me... and Derek told him to say this to me.
"I'm sorry," Dominic says as he reaches out his hand to touch me. I yank it off.
"Are you sorry for lying or for what Derek said?"
"I didn't lie. Shanice told me."
"Oh, yeah, because we can trust her." I scoff.
Some way, Dominic's constant lying to me annoys me even more. Is he telling the truth?
"Fine," I mutter, my eyes going dry just like my tone.
He seems confused by my sudden change. I turn toward the stairs and he grabs my wrist, again.
"Don't go alone. I will drive you back."
~
Dominic drove me back home. We didn't talk the whole time. I guess nothing kills a friendship more than mistakenly sending someone they care about to prison.
It's 2 AM and I don't even want to go back to my dorm, but my phone is there. I know everyone is worried about me.
I force myself to walk back to the dormitory hall and I notice there isn't anyone here. Probably sleeping early for classes or partying late.
I have one class tomorrow and I doubt I will get much sleep.
The elevator finally works, I go to the last floor and sprint to my room.
I realize I don't have the keys... I would have to wake up both Nicole and Irène by knocking-
"Finally!"
I turn to Irène and she is standing near the elevator, visibly pissed off.
Oh... I don't have time for this too. Not after what Alexander told me.
"Where have you been?!" she exclaims annoyed.
"Just doing some drugs with Felix. You know Felix, right?" I ask sarcastically, too tired to be nice to her.
She smirks, which throws me off even more, maybe sleep would be the better solution now.
Sleep on a bench in a park though.
"Who told you that?" Her expression changes from amused to wary.
"Find out yourself, since you know everything." I turn my back on her and grab the handle.
She walks near me, then waves the key around. "Closed. Nicole is sleeping in Antonia's room."
"Open the door." I spit.
"Speak, then."
"I'm so tired of your games, Irène. I'm so tired of not having one normal day."
I can't do it anymore, two years and half of not having one normal day. I spent the half-past year wishing for Derek to get out of prison, constantly feeling guilty and missing him. Constantly writing to him, while everyone around me thought I was batshit insane.
Then I spent the other half trying to shake off the flashbacks, the triggers, the way I feel followed everywhere I go.
That man is free and presumably sexually abusing other young girls.
How do you even live with that?
It doesn't get easier, at all. Whoever says that, is blatantly lying.
"I've been trying to help. How am I responsible for your problems?" she asks annoyed.
"You wanted to get revenge for me on James, which pissed him off-"
"Again? Veronica. Get it through your thick skull-" She frowns. "It wasn't James. James never had that proof of Derek selling drugs."
I stare at her confused, tired, and sick of all of this. I just want to run away... but the last time I tried doing that, it backfired.
"Got it. Was it Alexander?" I mock her.
She doesn't reply. Since when does Irène not have an answer?
"I give up. I don't want to know."
"Good, because Derek rejected my visit despite the consequences."
My eyes widen, "despite the consequences?"
"Hmph-" she doesn't answer my question, again.
I roll my eyes, irritated. "Of course, he refused you. He knows you are my friend and you are up to no good."
She scoffs. "I've done for you more than I have ever done for anyone else ever in my entire life."
Irène opens the door and I walk past her, completely throwing myself on the bed.
I want to shower, maybe ice-cold water could help me. Though, I don't know if I would be comfortable in the communal bathroom at night while the water is running.
~
I sit in bed, the bedside lamp is flickering and I cannot sleep.
"Are you awake?" Irène whispers as I pretend to sleep, shutting my eyes close. "I hate fighting with you," she whispers.
"I know what everyone thinks of me, and I usually don't care but weirdly, I care what you think of me," she admits.
"Do you think I'm a bad person?"
I scoff, forgetting that I'm supposed to pretend I'm sleeping. Since when does Irène Leroy wonder whether she is a bad person?
"Sometimes good people do bad things," she continues.
"I think your perception of being good is fucked up," I finally speak.
She sighs and stares at the ceiling for a while. I've never seen her like this. She looks almost... vulnerable.
"I know I've done wrong things but there is this one- thing that will fuck me up for life," Irène explains and I can hear her voice crack at the end of the sentence. Is she crying?
I roll over to the other side so I can look at her but she is already staring at me.
"What did you do?"
"I won't tell you, I don't want you to hate me more than you already do." Why does it even matter if I hate her?
"I don't hate you."
"You would if you knew the truth."
She rolls over to the other side and ignores me. I don't think much of it. What could Irène do that is possibly worse than the stuff she already does? Shortly after I fall asleep.
~
Two weeks later
I haven't visited Derek in a month and a half, I need to try again.
The first two weeks of college were the easiest, but we are slowly getting more assignments and the stress is slowly creeping in.
I am at the Penitentiary of Atlanta, two hours away from the campus. Everytime I drive here I hope to see him, every time I hope this is the time, but it never is.
Well, hopefully, this is my lucky time.
Sometimes I even wonder if he knows I'm visiting him, it reached a point the guards just tell me no and kick me out, while they supposedly asked him but always come back within a minute. Maybe they blacklisted me...
But it means Derek did that.
I push the door open and I feel myself getting smaller, overwhelmed by this place. It's always so depressing thinking I should be the one here.
A quiet and new young guard comes to me and gives me a form to fill.
He doesn't even greet me, people here are so tired of everything. I wonder how it is to be inside the cells... with the other inmates. What's Derek like after a year confined to these restraining walls?
"Veronica Reeves? You are the only visitor that comes this often. Impressive." His tone seems mocking. "I should add- the only rejected visitor who doesn't give up."
Ah, there is it. The mockery, how they look down on us, on the inmates. To them it doesn't matter if the one you are visiting is in only for drugs, they consider drug dealers the same way as murderers, rapists, child abusers.
They treat them the same way too, as if they are the lowest pieces of shit on this earth, not once considering that those who sell drugs might become better people.
Derek wasn't a bad person, he wasn't selling drugs anymore. He is innocent. I want to scream this to the guard but I calm down, it would be useless.
Fuck, James would deserve this place even more than he does. Even Irène and Alexander.
Even me.
I was framed, but I let Derek take the blame.
I was framed because I was a little piece of shit, putting myself in danger all the time, James and Olivia — if it was them — didn't give a shit about Derek. They did it out of spite.
I shake my thoughts off, I can't think about this right now. I'd just end up making up thousands of theories. Irène, Alexander, fuck, soon I'll start even doubting the janitor.
"Go that way," the young guard spits.
He points to the entrance to the left, leading to a hallway.
I grab my purse and my phone, I take a glance around me.
Everyone is waiting on their turn and looking at me weirdly, as if I'm not supposed to be here.
My rapist should be here too...
I randomly think and I quickly gulp down hard, ignoring everyone around me as I walk to the visiting room.
Another older guard looks at me unusually and walks to me, but he studies carefully the prisoners before proceeding.
"It's full. Why did they let you here?"
"Ehm- I can wait," I mutter confusedly.
"Who are you visiting?"
"Derek Forster."
"That guy is getting so many visits this week, he is currently having one."
"What?" I repeat incredulously.
Who is visiting him?
So, this means he is accepting visits... just not from me or anyone who has anything to do with me.
"Only one person per week, come next time," the guard speaks soothingly, compared to the other new one.
"Can I please know who visited him?" I try out my luck, still bummed by his initial response.
He nods then gestures me to look in the visitor room, stepping out of my way.
I frantically scan the room looking for Derek but I see two people with their backs on me, the only people waiting for the inmate to arrive.
I recognize Shanice's back and...
Dominic.
I squint my eyes, initially refusing to believe it is him but there is no denying. My blood starts boiling realizing it was all a lie, and that I was right about not trusting him.
He lied to me repeatedly for MONTHS.
Before I think about what I'm about to do, I sprint toward them, catching the guard off guard.
I feel the tears filling my eyes with anger, almost bursting out as I walk in front of them.
"You lied to me!" I yell at them and a few tears slip away. "You fucking liar. You were supposed to be my friend."
Dominic stands up, without saying any word. He then gestures to me to calm down.
"Don't do this here. I will explain outside, please," he speaks calmly.
"Explain to me why you wanted to further break my heart? You could have told me. I could have moved on. You saw me putting my broken pieces back together and you only told me to move on, without any explanation. Is this some kind of sick game?" I take a big breath, thinking of what I'm saying. My words burst out all at once and I can't organize my thoughts as it all comes out as an unorganized mess.
"You knew how guilty I felt. Fuck." I scream and curse as the guard sprints to me.
I see red, my head feels hot and I feel like I could explode anytime here. My heart is breaking into pieces for the hundredth time. I knew I couldn't trust him but I hoped I was wrong.
Shanice doesn't say a word, she seems bored. I hate her, I hate her as much as I hate all of them.
"I'm so done... this is over," I whisper to myself as the guard catches up to me.
"Stop screaming. Shut up," the guard scolds me as I look around, realizing all the people staring at me. Some annoyed I interrupted their limited time.
"I'm guilty!" I scream again without thinking of the consequences. Dominic and Shanice both stand up and look behind me, but I can't because the guard immediately comes up behind and handcuffs me.
"The cocaine was mine, I swear, it was mine. Derek Forster is innocent," I continue screaming as they are dragging me away. My voice is slowly losing power and cracking but I can't stop.
"It was mine! I should be here. Not him!"
Dominic follows after me, he reaches us, I can see the disappointment and nervousness in his eyes. I know I fucked up, but I deserve this.
Fuck, I deserve everything that has ever happened to me. I fuck up everything. I know everyone is tired of me and I'm tired of everything.
I tried my best, but my best is never enough.