April 2022 (Recent day)
What the hell. I muttered to myself when the knock became incessant and annoying. I dragged myself out of the bed and walked to the closet. His closet.
I ran my fingers through the array of clothes there. And finally settled for one of his favorite tshirts. He'd always tell me that it was too expensive to be worn as house cloth. Not that I ever cared. As long as it smelled of him. It still did.
I stood there for a while and stared at his clothes "Aren't you going to say something? I'm going to wear your favorite top around the house. Aren't you going to do something about it?" I chuckled when I was greeted with silence.
"Just like I thought. You're nothing but a coward." I snapped out of my thoughts when the knocks became louder this time.
I donned on the shirt slowly and pulled on some random shorts before going to the sitting room. Even before getting there, I already had an inkling of who it might be.
I opened the door and just like I thought. His face stared back at me with worry etched on every corner of it. "Elvis." I didn't say anything further, nor did I move away from the doorway. I stood there with my hand still fixed on the handle waiting to dismiss him and go back to the room.
"Can I at least come in?" He asked with a small smile.
"No." It wasn't so noticeable, but I saw his face fall for a split second. I sighed and opened the door wider. "I'm not really in the mood for visitors, but since you're already here." I said.
He nodded and stepped in. I didn't ask him to feel at home, but he did just that. Okay? I thought to myself as I watched him make himself comfortable on the couch. He patted the space beside him and I chuckled. Is it my house or yours?
"So....Why are you here?"
"Going straight to point are we?"
"Do you want to beat about the bush?" I retorted and he smiled.
"Well, seeing that we've not seen each other for days now. I thought we'd start by catching up. You ask how I am, I return the gesture."
I frowned when he was still talking. What is he on about. "Why on earth would I want to do that?"
"Ouch. Wow Ijeoma. I thought we cared about each other?"
"What are you doing here Elvis?" I snapped annoyed at him and his fake attitude. His smile disappeared all of a sudden to give way to the worried expression he wore earlier. This is better.
"I came to check up on you. I went to your school and I was told that you took a months leave."
"Okay? That's hardly a cause for alarm. I needed a break."
"Of course. No cause for alarm. I just.....Are you doing okay Ij. Sincerely speaking?" He asked and I took a deep breath.
I just needed them to stop. Stop calling, stop texting. It was getting overwhelming. And a part of me felt guilty whenever they checked up on me. He was their family. They were hurting too.
I started to say something. To tell him to stop bothering about me when he suddenly took my hand in his. "I worry about you Ij. You always say not to, but I worry about you."
All my anger and annoyance melted away. "How are you?" I asked and his eyes snapped up in surprise but just for a slight moment. He schooled his expression immediately.
"You worry about me you say. But it's obvious you're not doing so well either. Neither is Oma or mama T but you all remain so adamant about checking up on me. What's really the difference?" I said and wiped quickly at the corner of my eye.
"Do you know the saying? Sharing pain will reduce it. Mama T is hurting, like you said. But I see it in her face whenever we talk about Ik. It's painful, but it's also the only way to get over the pain. Talking about his life, what he liked, how he loved–"
"Stop." I said interrupting him. "Just stop."
This was my problem with them. They always wanted to talk about him. And whenever they did, they spoke about him in past tense. As if he didn't matter anymore. As if they wanted to forget him.
"I don't want to get over it."
"You have to Ijeoma. You can't continue like this. He wouldn't have wanted this for you."
"Then you don't know him." I said and he chuckled.
"Okay maybe he wouldn't want you to get over him quickly. I agree to that part." He said and I smiled. Then my smile became a chuckle. He started laughing as well.
"Yeah, you were dating a pretty over protective bastard." He said with a lopsided grin. In the past I used to be annoyed when they called each other bastards. Like there were kinder words they could use. But now, I wanted to cry at the sound of it. I missed the sound of them throwing jabs at each other.
"I don't want to forget him."
"I understand how you feel."
"Do you? Do you really understand? It's painful thinking of him. But at the same time, I can't function if I don't think of him. I'm surrounded daily by reminders of him, and they drive me crazy knowing he's not coming back. Yet I can't afford to pack them away. The smell of him suffocates the life out of me but I still can't sleep without being surrounded by it. So what exactly do you understand?"
"It's ......it's how someone can walk into your life uninvited and make themselves at home in your heart. And when they leave, you can't remember how you lived without them. I don't know how to live Elvis."
"Ije." He said and I looked up.
"Don't call me that. Never call me that. Please." I said quietly.
Only Ik can call me that.
"I understand Ijeoma. Maybe not how you feel but I understand to some extent. He was my brother."
"Stop using past tense on him!" I screamed at him and raised my hands to lash out but he caught my hand midair.
"He's gone Ijeoma. Ikechukwu is dead." He said with the softest voice. I hated the stupid way they talked to me. Softly. As if I was going to break. But I did break down.
Wrecking wails from nowhere broke out. I bent over to my knee and just cried. I felt his hands faintly on my shoulders but it wasn't comforting.
"Some days I wake up and I wonder why I bother. What's the need?"
"Don't talk like that." He said and I heard the fear in his voice.
"You don't get it Elvis. Have you ever loved someone so much that.....it doesn't even.....I can't even put into words how much I love him. I don't have the will to live anymore. I don't wake up excited about anything. Nothing makes sense to me."
But then there was another part of me that was scared of forgetting him. Scared that no matter how much I loved him, I still had to move on. I get angry when I see that some of his friends have moved on. His colleagues posted him just the first day and now they're posting about their daily life like nothing happened.
It's almost as if life goes on.
"It's one day at a time. You take the day as it comes, and with time, the pain heals. And you'll be able to move on with your life."
"I don't want to move on. If it's without him, then I'm not moving on."
Elvis
I sighed when she said that. She had lost a lot of weight. My eyes scanned her face duly, she used to have very full cheeks, now you could make out the contour of her cheekbones. Her collarbones were becoming slightly visible.
It's been a month. I can't let her continue like this. But at the same time, I was at a loss for how to help her.
Do I even have the right to stand here as his friend? Am I even here as his friend. I haven't had the time to really mourn because I felt guilty about a lot of things.
About the way his family has been dependent on me this period. About the way Uju calls me to cry, the way Mama T relies on me. I felt like an imposter. My best friend died and here I was. Am I really here because she was his fiancé or because it hurts me to see her hurting.
"Let's do this Ij. Tomorrow is Saturday. Go out with me." I said and she eyed me.
"As per what?" She said and I laughed at the sudden change in attitude.
"I thought you were crying before. Why are you opening your eyes wide for me?" I said and she smiled. The second smile this evening. A part of me wondered if it was real, but it was better than nothing. One smile at a time.
"First of all, you've been indoors for a whole month. I'm sure you're vitamin D deficient. But I just want us to take a walk around the neighborhood. Nothing serious. 5 mins." I said and she took a deep breath and sighed.
"If I go out on a walk with you, will you let me be?" She asked and I couldn't help the smile that broke across my face.
"Since we're laying out our conditions, then a 5 minute walk. Every evening for all the days of the week." I said and held my breath for her response.
"Fine. Can you leave now?" She snapped and I knew when to take a bow. It wasn't all in vain though I thought to myself. Happy that she agreed to it.
I stood quickly and walked towards the door. "I'll see you this evening by 5pm. Please be ready." I said and opened the door before she could even say anything.
"You said tomorrow." She called after me but I practically ran out to my car. I looked back just in time to see her smile before she closed the door.
One smile at a time.
************************************************
June 2018 (300 level)
Ijeoma
"Kamso where did you say I had to stop? Like there are no bus stops around here, I'm only seeing crossroads." It's surprising that I've actually never been to this side of school. And I considered myself pretty outgoing.
"First of all, calm down Ij. You know how you get when you're frustrated."
I rolled my eyes at her comment. If i wasn't frustrated before, her statement triggered it now.
"You know how I get when you tell me to calm down, when you know quite well how frustrated I am." I bit out, I heard her sigh and there was silence on the other end before she finally continued.
"You said you've passed Kingston lodge, then it's just like few walks away."
"I know why I'm doing this." I said and she chuckled.
Kamso, my closest friend and roommate was down with a little fever and apparently she has a quiz coming up soon so she begged me to help her get a text from her course mate that lives God knows where. How come I've never heard of this lodge before now.
"Because you love me." She said with a tiny voice and I scoffed.
I rolled my eyes and ended the call. I saw a shop nearby and stopped by to ask for directions.
The woman came out and started pointing down the road. "It's not far na. Just keep on walking straight, the sign is written there and the lodge has a black gate."
"Thank you ma." I sighed and kept on walking.
I don't understand why they were all saying it was few minutes away but I've been walking for minutes which by the way feels like hours and I've not gotten there. I suddenly felt that someone was following behind.
There'd been stories going around for sometime now, about girls being accosted in school. Granted it's always in the evenings that these things happen but then again this road was quite lonely.
I increased my pace and I heard faintly the person behind me increase theirs as well. Ha. What the hell?
"Excuse me." I finally heard behind me but I ignored and kept walking. Faster even.
"Excuse me." The person repeated for three more times and I finally turned. I took a breath to keep me from snapping at whoever it was that called me.
"I'm Ikechukwu." He said bringing out a hand for a shake. I looked from the extended hand, back to him. Okay?
"I'm..not interested." I started walking away. But I noticed he kept on walking beside me.
"My friends call me Ik." He said falling in step with me.
"How about I call you nothing? Please leave me alone, I'm not in the mood." I said, hoping he'll get the memo and let me be.
"I really don't have time to talk. I have somewhere to be." I repeated when I still heard him walking behind me. Omo is this a kidnapper?
"I just want to get to know you. No hard feelings. I'm parked over there, let me give you a ride." I looked at the place he pointed.
"No, thanks." I said and kept walking faster, you want to use me for money rituals, God punish you. Soon though, I heard him behind me walking even faster and it made me more afraid.
"What! Why the hell are you following me around!" I finally snapped at him. Someone cannot just walk in peace.
"Just to get to know you, nothing more. And the weather is hot, you look like you might want a lift."" He said raising his hands.
I would appreciate a lift quite alright, but not at the expense of my life. And definitely not from someone that chases me around asking me for one. But I do need to get out of this scorching sun.
"Thanks. But no."
"It's just a ride, I won't hurt you." He said.
Yeah right. So says all the ritualists I know. I muttered under my breath. And if he heard it, he didn't show that he did.
"Fine." I finally said because God knows how badly I needed a lift. He looked surprised for a split second but covered it up immediately and nodded before crossing the street to where his car was parked.
"Thank you." I said to him some minutes later. He simply nodded without looking off the road.
"So how many ritualists do you know exactly." He said with a chuckle, breaking the silence that wrapped thick around us.
On a normal day, I would really be jovial and sometimes excess even. But not today, I was hot and tired and very thirsty. I looked out the window and got lost in my thoughts as I watched the trees. Until his voice pulled me off my thoughts.
"So..you're a student here?" He said
He has a very nice voice I thought, turning to look at his face properly. The kind that makes you stop thinking for a while, it was soothing to some extent.
He cleared his throat and repeated the question.
"Yes."
I picked up my phone to pass the signal that I wasn't interested and hoped he would get it. And he did.
Normally I'm not one for silence but I was liking this one because I had no strength to play 20 questions.
"We're here." He said minutes later and I looked outside and truthfully, there was the sign with the name of the lodge I was coming to.
I reached to open the door but my hand froze at the handle for a split second.
"How did you know I was coming here though."
"I overheard your conversation with the shop owner." He said and I looked at him and realized I was thinking out loud.
"Thank you so much." I said removing my seatbelt.
"I didn't get your name." He said leaning out a bit when I shut the door. I'm sure I didn't give it.
"Ijeoma."
He repeated the name and I frowned when I realized I really like the way it sounded. I liked it a bit too much. Almost like he wasn't Igbo.
"Can I get your number?"
I shook my head. I've given my number to a dozen of stupid people that I still wonder what I was thinking when I did so. So I just don't nowadays, at least not at first.
"If we ever see again, maybe then. But thanks for the lift." Maybe never.
I turned and entered the lodge and somehow, I felt his eyes on me until I had fully entered and not long after I heard his engine roar to life.
_________________________
"Chikamso Okeke, you've done it. Do you know the trouble I went through to get this for you?"
I bit out when I entered our room later that evening. She was sitting on the chair and pushed back a bit to look at me, with her signature pout.
"I'm not your boyfriend abeg that face won't work on me." I frowned.
She closed her book and dragged me to the bed when I kept frowning but I didn't spare her a look.
"Ij please don't be angry."
"Please." She hugged me and held me tight and I rolled my eyes and pushed her away.
"I cooked." She said and I immediately turned but when I knew what she was trying to do, I looked away.
"So? I've not forgiven you." I said and folded my hands across my chest. But my stomach was saying another thing.
"It's your favorite. Yam and egg sauce." She said and I knew then that she had me.
When she started laughing, I glared at her but we both knew that my anger had vanished with the mere mention of food.
"I'll bring it for you."
I brought out my phone and started skimming through when she left.
Kamso was my best friend, she was more than that to me though. Since my parents divorced, her family were the family I had and she was the sister I never had, she and her younger sister Kaima.
Since my parents separated, my dad moved to Enugu and my mum still stayed in Anambra, so I stayed with mum some of the times and during the long holidays I would try and go see dad. Who am I kidding, I've only seen dad once after the divorce, I just can't face him after what he did to my mum.
I can't face mum either, because she was always so sad nowadays, like her light has been sucked out of her. So even the times I go home, I just stay with Kamso's family. They don't mind and mum has gotten used to it.
Maybe someday I could talk of how scarred I really was by dad's action. Apart from Kamso I couldn't tell a soul what I saw. But since that day, that innocent girl in me that loved love and weddings and children died. Right now I can't even stand guys and their sweet tongues. Liars, all of them. Every single one.
Because my dad was the king of sweet nothings. He would always praise and tease my mum endlessly and she would foolishly laugh and look at him like he hung the moon.
See where it got them. So much for sweet nonsense. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
"Ij."
When I looked up, Kamso was looking at me with that look in her eyes. I rolled my eyes, I know she cared about me but I also hated the fact that she knew so much about me.
Like I wanted to be able to wallow as well without someone looking at me emphatically.
"Let me guess, you met another guy today." She asked keeping the food in front of me, and suddenly, I lost my appetite.
"Anybody ever told you that you could run your own therapy."
"I've stayed with you for years. I've seen the signs Ij. They're not that hard to miss."
"What signs."
"Of you freaking out whenever a guy approaches you. I don't know if you do it consciously or not but I've noticed."
I rolled my eyes and went to wash my hands. No way I'm eating this yam and egg sauce with fork. She kept on talking while I went to the kitchen. Still talking when I came back.
I sighed and ignored her. Someone needs to tell my group of friends that life does not revolve around men.
"And then always avoid it when I bring it up."
"I don't avoid anything. I used to have a boyfriend in case you've forgotten. In fact I've have more boyfriends than you."
She looked at me with a 'really?' look all over her face.
"Yes you've had boyfriends, if we're calling them that. Boyfriends that don't last up to 2 weeks."
If that was a compliment or insult, I don't know but I choose to ignore.
"Well not everyone is lucky like you and meet their prince charming at the first trial. If I meet someone that syncs with me, why would I not stay."
She paused for a while and looked as if she was musing on my idea, but shook her head afterwards. God, this girl can be so annoying.
"I would believe that, but I know you Ij. I know it's more than that."
"Aunty therapist Biko leave me to eat in peace."
"Ij...
When she didn't say anything I looked up and she was deep in thoughts. She was always the thoughtful one between us. I just went with my guts most of the time.
"What?"
"Not every man out there is like your dad."
The yam I was eating fell down to the plate with a thud. It's been years since I told Kamso about my dad and she had never mentioned it again so I was shocked she would say that.
"I know I shouldn't butt into your personal affairs but I thought you should know that. Just because your da–
"Who gave you the right to mention my father? Since when did it become compulsory to have a boyfriend? Must everything be about men? And who told you Mike isn't messing around with girls in his school. Can you just mind your own business for once?"
When her eyelashes fluttered, I knew I touched a sore subject and I felt sorry immediately. I never lashed out no matter how bad it got but then again, she's never pushed me. In fact we've never talked about this so I just saw red when she mentioned my dad.
I carried the plate you the kitchen and put the food back to the pots then washed my hands and stepped out.
I heard her calling my name when I left but I was not in the mood.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She was still reading when I came back later that night. This girl can read for Africa shaa. She looked up when I shut the door and we stared at each other for a while. She looked back at her books and ignored me.
After I had prepared for bed, I sat down awkwardly pretending to be on my phone while thinking of how to apologise.
"Bestie." I finally called out and she looked up.
"I'm sorry.... For lashing out. I didn't mean it and–
I wasn't quite finished when I felt her hands around me. Did she fly?
"I should be the one apologising. I'm sorry."
...
...
After a while, I pushed her off me. I don't like getting too emotional. "Biko it's okay. I don't want Mike to come for me."
She rolled her eyes and grabbed a pillow.
"So how was this guy you met?"
It took me a while to understand what she was talking about. She still won't let it go I see. I sighed and shook my head. This is getting annoying.
"I didn't notice." I said dismissively. But I know she wasn't dismissing anything when she glared at me. "He was tall. Kinda, I don't know." I added and she rolled her eyes.
Her jaw dropped "He was tall, kinda. Is that even a description. Is that all they teach you guys in that your English Dept."
"It's gossip that will kill you in this life Kamso." I said laughing.
"At least tell me he took your number."
...
She buried her face in the pillow and screamed. Why is this girl overreacting please.
"Ij you're falling my hand oo."
"Which hand? Biko go and read your books."
She whispered something like 'I need to find you a boyfriend.' before going and I started laughing again. Kamso that is so shy, indeed.
"Is the food remaining? I'm very hungry." I asked and she started laughing.
A/N
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