" 𝙞'𝙫𝙚 𝙣𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙗𝙚𝙚𝙣 𝙖𝙗𝙡𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙩𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙚 𝙛𝙚𝙖𝙧 𝙣𝙤𝙬, 𝙗𝙪𝙩 𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙞 𝙙𝙤, 𝙞𝙩 𝙡𝙞𝙣𝙜𝙚𝙧𝙨 𝙞𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙖𝙞𝙧.
𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙖 𝙛𝙡𝙖𝙢𝙚. 𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙙𝙡𝙚𝙙 𝙗𝙮 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙥𝙧𝙚𝙨𝙞𝙙𝙚𝙣𝙩, 𝙛𝙚𝙙 𝙗𝙮 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙘𝙞𝙩𝙞𝙯𝙚𝙣𝙨, 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙞'𝙢 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙬𝙝𝙤 𝙝𝙖𝙨 𝙩𝙤 𝙥𝙪𝙩 𝙞𝙩 𝙤𝙪𝙩.
𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙚𝙭𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜𝙪𝙞𝙨𝙝𝙚𝙧? 𝙥𝙤𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙗𝙡𝙮 𝙢𝙮 𝙡𝙞𝙛𝙚. "
𝙞𝙣 𝙬𝙝𝙞𝙘𝙝 𝙖 𝙩𝙚𝙚𝙣𝙖𝙜𝙚𝙧 𝙫𝙤𝙬𝙨 𝙩𝙤 𝙩𝙖𝙠𝙚 𝙙𝙤𝙬𝙣 𝙖 𝙜𝙤𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙣𝙢𝙚𝙣𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙛𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙧𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩𝙨 𝙤𝙛 𝙚𝙢𝙤𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙨 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙛𝙪𝙩𝙪𝙧𝙚 𝙜𝙚𝙣𝙚𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣.
꧁ .・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・. ꧂
In a world where expressing emotions are illegal and can lead to execution, everything seems perfect. All the countries and their citizens are efficient, orderly and obedient, and nobody seems to question the rules. But Ada Alexander struggles to keep her emotions hidden and she discovers more and more feelings that most humans have forgotten long ago, love, grief, anger, pain and fear. When the system glitches and she is able to cry for the first time ever, she feels tricked and robbed by the government, becomes inspired and develops a revolutionary plan to break the system so people can feel once again, and her family worries for her life. But will her death and discoveries be worth it?
𝘁𝗿𝗶𝗴𝗴𝗲𝗿 𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴: 𝘀𝘂𝗶𝗰𝗶𝗱𝗲, 𝘃𝗶𝗼𝗹𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲, 𝗴𝗼𝗿𝗲, 𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳-𝗵𝗮𝗿𝗺 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗺𝗮𝘁𝘂𝗿𝗲 𝗹𝗮𝗻𝗴𝘂𝗮𝗴𝗲.
𝙞 𝙬𝙞𝙡𝙡 𝙗𝙚 𝙥𝙪𝙗𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙢𝙖𝙣𝙮 𝙘𝙝𝙖𝙥𝙩𝙚𝙧𝙨, 𝙚𝙖𝙘𝙝 𝙘𝙝𝙖𝙥𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙝𝙖𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙧𝙚𝙚 𝙥𝙖𝙧𝙩𝙨, 𝙖𝙡𝙡 𝙥𝙪𝙗𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙝𝙚𝙙 𝙨𝙚𝙥𝙚𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙡𝙮 𝙖𝙩 𝙙𝙞𝙛𝙛𝙚𝙧𝙚𝙣𝙩 𝙩𝙞𝙢𝙚𝙨. 𝙞𝙛 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙝𝙨𝙫𝙚 𝙖𝙣𝙮 𝙛𝙚𝙚𝙙𝙗𝙖𝙘𝙠, 𝙥𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙚 𝙛𝙚𝙚𝙡 𝙛𝙧𝙚𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙨𝙝𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙞𝙩 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙢𝙚, 𝙞 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙛𝙚𝙚𝙙𝙗𝙖𝙘𝙠!! ♡
[𝗖𝗼𝗺𝗽𝗹𝗲𝘁𝗲𝗱]
𝗪𝗼𝗿𝗱 𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗻𝘁: 𝟱𝟬𝟭𝟰𝟲 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗱𝘀
𝗢𝗿𝗶𝗴𝗶𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗙𝗶𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗡𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗹
𝗔𝗺𝗮𝘇𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗰𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝗯𝘆: rose_anselina
𝗧𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗸 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘀𝗼 𝗺𝘂𝗰𝗵 𝗟𝗲𝗮, 𝗴𝘂𝘆𝘀 𝗽𝗸𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗲 𝗴𝗼 𝗰𝗵𝗲𝗰𝗸 𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝗰𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝘀𝗵𝗼𝗽!!
© 𝘄𝗮𝗹𝗸𝗲𝗿𝗮𝗹𝘆𝘀𝘀𝗮𝘆𝗲𝗼𝗵𝘅𝗼𝘅𝗼 | 𝟮𝟬𝟮𝟭
© 𝗔𝗹𝗹 𝗥𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁𝘀 𝗥𝗲𝘀𝗲𝗿𝘃𝗲𝗱
𝗦𝘁𝗮𝗿𝘁𝗲𝗱 - 𝟮𝟱𝘁𝗵 𝗡𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗺𝗯𝗲𝗿 𝟮𝟬𝟮𝟬
𝗙𝗶𝗻𝗶𝘀𝗵𝗲𝗱 - 𝟮𝟲𝘁𝗵 𝗔𝗽𝗿𝗶𝗹 𝟮𝟬𝟮𝟭
꧁・ ℙ𝕣𝕠𝕝𝕠𝕘𝕦𝕖 ・꧂
꧁ 𝕋𝕙𝕖 ℙ𝕣𝕖𝕤𝕚𝕕𝕖𝕟𝕥'𝕤 ℙ.𝕆.𝕍 ꧂
The president spun around in his chair, a thoughtful look on his face. He looked down at the tablet in his hands. The names of everybody in the whole world spreaded out vast in front of him, and their lives. He could ruin them in the click of a button. His finger hovered above the "Activate all" switch. He'd made sure not to include his own name, surely because he had fought for this future nation meant that he'd be safe from his own harm. He laughed quietly and sighed, very contented. This world was going to be perfect, and nothing could get in his way. What if there's a rebel? What would you do with them? The thought of a rebellion made him sick, and he snarled to himself, "I'll do anything, anything to get rid of them. No matter how strong they are, they'll wish they were dead when I'm done with them."
The president looked out of the window at the army below him, guns at the ready, pointing towards the trembling citizens, smiling their last smile, crying their last tears, hugging while they can. Among them, the president spotted the family at the front. Edward, Evelyn and Ada Alexander. Edward had resigned from his job at the Zenith to treat his mentally ill wife a few months ago, yes, the president remembered him. They respected each other, the president was fond of his daughter and friendly with his wife. He frowned, it would be saddening to make his family suffer. The president felt something he hadn't felt in a long time: sympathy. He looked down at his tablet and pressed "Activate all". Then in his last attempt at being a good person, deactivated Ada's switch. It was the least, and the most the president would do, he wouldn't spare anyone else. Sweet, innocent Ada wouldn't, couldn't do anything. It was a harmless move.
The president couldn't be any more wrong.
꧁ "We can make this a better world, it just takes a little courage." ꧂
・ -Jasmin Adams ・
꧁ 𝔸𝕕𝕒'𝕤 ℙ.𝕆.𝕍 ꧂
⚠︎︎ [Trigger warning: Razor mentioned in paragraph 6.] ⚠︎︎
I can't smile. My legs tingle with nervousness as I reach shakily over to my closet and slide open the wooden panel door, revealing the dusty, forgotten mirror on the other side. And I stare, bluntly. There's not much to see, and so I almost shut the door in a hurry, like I've always been taught to do, then hesitate before the mirror can be hidden from view again. I practice a pause for a second, barely breathing, and secretly imagine my reflection with the forbidden smile.
It looks ugly.
The panel door slides back over the mirror and I pace the room. Today's the last day I get to stay with my parents, when I turn eighteen tomorrow, the government will cross my name off my family tree, it's mandatory for every eighteen year old. Then I'll pack my bags, say goodbye and find a place of my own in the big, scary world that my parents warned me about my whole life. I should start packing now, but I don't want to rush my departure anymore than it already is. In the end, I pick up my list of packing items and rush downstairs. I can't look at my empty luggage anymore.
Downstairs, my mother sits in front of the television, but it isn't on. My parents say watching television is dangerous. One scene can lead to a slight smile, then your public death on the streets carried out by government officials. Emotions are allowed, but emotions expressed are illegal. This is because the government believes that feelings delay efficiency, and expressing them is unnecessary. It's true, everyone is very effective in their work nowadays. Most of us have evolved so much, that the only emotions we can remember now are happiness, sadness and anger. We learnt and heard of others. Like fear, love, grief, but they aren't natural to us anymore. Since love is humanly impossible to feel now, citizens are assigned a partner at 20, whom which they have to live with. In school we learnt of the old human species which felt more than a dozen feelings a day on average, how slow they worked, how backwards their methods of speed were.
Careful not to show reluctance, I start to gather my belongings downstairs. My mother doesn't look at me, she rarely does, any person nowadays rarely does. She suffers from melancholia, which means she struggles to feel happiness, even when good things happen in her life. The doctor said she has lots of unhealthy, guilty and despairing thoughts. She sits there, expressionless all day. My father is always patient with her, makes sure she takes a walk in the garden, eats three meals a day, listens to music which usually can help with her gloom, sleeps well, takes her medication and stays hydrated, warm and clean. My father is the perfect citizen, the best example. He never felt the need to show any of his feelings, so he was born to follow the rules. He had no trouble keeping his face blank everyday, going to bed empty-minded. He reads a newspaper quietly, and only looks up to wave at me, and I wave back. These things never felt natural, they always seemed robotic, mechanic or plainly heartless. I gather my things and tread back upstairs.
While gunshots ring outside.
No wonder a crowd had been forming. I wonder who it was this time. I peek out of the tinted window. Oh. One of the weaker ones. Most senior citizens tend to start showing more emotions when their end draws near, it's natural. After living a life of an endless void of nothing, maybe just smiling for the first time in their life might be the exit they've been searching for. This man here had reached the end of his maze, while the rest of us fools were still stuck in the middle, blindly feeling our way out. I can't look anymore, and retreat back into the house. The blood pool had reached a point of where the crowd starts backing away, trying not to soil their shoes. If you want to watch, you'd better not flinch. That's why most people prefer to stay inside, listen to the ringing gun shots and wince inside their head. Most things are done inside our head anyways. Nobody bothers closing their ears anymore, it's too often, too common, too normalised.
Lying awake in the moonlight, I allow myself to wander, just this once. Usually I stay in bed and stare at the ceiling until I drift off, but tonight I can't listen to the shootings anymore. And my footsteps are quite soft, so I doubt my parents will hear me. I amble through the house, and eventually I find myself in the basement. My mother spends a lot of her nights here on the basement couch, she claims father is a snorer. Tonight, she agrees to leave the basement for the night, if it made me happy. I sit on the couch, rubbing her blanket between my index finger and thumb, breathing in the dust. I slip my hand between the couch cushions, then withdraw it with pain. A single drop of blood. I reach down again between the crack, more cautious this time, and pull out a blade.
I stare at it for many quiet moments, then return it. I saunter back to my room and lie down in slight shock. All that silence from her never was natural. All those nights.
In the morning I dispose of the blade. If I'm leaving then my mother had to at least be safe. We eat in silence, the bland food tastes like cardboard. Then, for the first time in a day and a half, my father speaks, platonic, "Your mother wishes you luck. She doesn't want to say so." I look up and nod, my chest growing warm. My mother doesn't speak a lot, and I know why, but I keep silent. The last time she said something to me was a year ago when I asked when I would have to leave home. "A year too soon," she had replied, her voice trembling. I've always thought about that word. "Soon."
I bring my heavy luggage to the front of the house. The government officer is overly polite and brisk as he carries it to the car, and I wave at my father again. He doesn't smile, but his eyes do. I'll miss this house, miss the bland food he cooks when my mother has no energy. I almost don't, but wave at my mother too, then force myself to turn around, then head towards the car, where the officer holds the door open for me. A clean break. Goodbyes need to be fast. "Don't you dare forget me." My head whips around. My mother shakes slightly, from the effort of speaking, desperate and scared that I didn't hear her voice. I face her, my face tingling. "Even in death, don't forget me," she chokes out. Replying is the hardest part, "I won't." "Most importantly, don't forget me, ever. If you die."
"And If I Live."
Banner by: Thingybabiby <3333
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꧁ Author's note: ꧂
Welcome to 'And If I Die'. Hi, my name is Alyssa. This is my first Wattpad book, so take it easy on me if I'm not writing as well as the more experienced writers on this platform. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this chapter, it means a lot to me. If you like, you can leave a vote or a comment, maybe a follow? (I follow back) Of course don't feel pressured to, you can just read and not do anything additional :) I want to mention that this work is fictional and everything is from my imagination and creation, so if any events, characters or places sound like those of reality, it is purely coincidental. I also want to say that this is my book, I created the entirety of the plot, characters and settings, if you steal my work you will be reported. This book also contains mature topics like suicide, self-harm, gun violence and gore. If you feel uncomfortable with any of these topics I suggest you don't read, but I will include a trigger warning before each sensitive chapter and provide the paragraph of which that topic appears in. If the trigger warning is severe and you have to skip the chapter, in the next chapter I will provide a quick summary in a less gory manner. I will also sadly not be taking any feedback on how to write the story. You can give your opinion and inform me of any grammatical or spelling errors, but if you're telling me how to write my own story or that I should change something major, I won't be listening to it. However if I offend someone in a racial, ethnical, ageist, ableist or sexist way, please let me know, I will change it at once and provide a sincere apology.
꧁ Dedications: ꧂
hatersarejellybeans -MISSETHEREAL bloodyhufflepuff @mymomandmydad @aleeq
You guys supported me the best and I love you guys so much, you literally mean the world to me. ❤️