thirty three
————
draco couldn't sleep.
there was something about the stillness of the slytherin common room at night that just got to him. it didn't used to be that way. he used to love the common room just as dearly as he loved his house, but in the months after the war, the cold, dark feel of the silent dungeons began to unsettle him. it reminded him a little too much of the silence following voldemort's arrival at malfoy manor, the quiet anticipation of dread. nights were restless for him now, and the call of sleep felt treacherous rather than inviting.
he would toss and turn beneath his cold sheets, fending off the intrusive thoughts invading his brain and fighting off sleep and the terror that would come with it.
blaise had gone to bed hours ago, so it had just been draco, the only one left awake in the dorm. and he hadn't been able to stand it.
he'd taken to scouring the castle, working off the itch of relentless energy beneath his skin by walking the frigid halls, pacing from one end of the corridor to the other. he would have gone to the greenhouse, but harry wouldn't be there.
once, that wouldn't have mattered. and yet, now the thought of heading down to the greenhouse and weaving flower crowns by himself seemed strange and unnatural to him, and he couldn't bring himself to do it.
his fervent thoughts soon drifted to the topic of the boy in question, to harry's soft emerald eyes and his quiet smile and the way he said his name. he'd never thought there would be a time when he could freely think of harry potter like this...he'd always thought his attraction to harry was cliche, irritating. inconvenient considering the people harry chose to spend his time with.
under his father's dictating rule, he'd learned to think of harry as an enemy soon to be struck down, a celebrity undeserving of his title. he'd been such a desperate and naive little boy, he was willing to believe anything his father said if it meant he would have his love, if it meant he was worth the malfoy name.
now, the malfoy name meant little to him, and the thought of harry potter did not spark animosity and shame, but longing and affection.
standing in the middle of hogwarts castle in his pajamas, cold and restless and tired, all he could really think of was how nice it would be to touch harry again. to hold him and bask in his heat. to brush through his hair and fall asleep with their legs intertwined, with their arms locked around each other.
he desperately wanted to see harry now, even though he knew he was sleeping. it felt as though seeing harry was the only thing that would ease the churning in his stomach and soothe the itch beneath his skin.
with a sigh that seemed impossibly loud in the vacant hall, he allowed his mind to wander. wander to the quiet nights in the greenhouse, talking in hushed whispers about constellations and flowers and memories. he thought about how soft harry'd felt in his arms. the way he rushed to help him with no hesitation, pressed him against the stone wall and pinned him with intensely determined eyes, the steadiness of his hands around draco's shaky ones.
he remembered how flustered he got at hogsmeade, how he'd blushed and shied away from draco's attention, how uncertain he'd seemed in the face of compliments.
he thought about all this, and draco allowed himself to want. he allowed himself to want with a fierceness that almost startled him. he wanted to see harry right now. he would not be able to rest until he did.
draco turned on his heel, resolute in his decision now. he walked the path to the gryffindor common room, keeping the light of his wand low as to not disturb the grouchy paintings.
he left his mortification for tomorrow, the inevitable humiliation that would come from sneaking into harry potter's bed in the middle of the night.
no, that could wait for later.
right now, he needed to see harry, needed those forest green eyes on him, seeing through every barrier he'd built around his wounded soul. he needed to feel his warm hands caress his cheeks, brush against his unstyled curls and settle against the nape of his neck, needed his tight embrace, the sensation of his heartbeat fluttering against draco's chest. needed his chamomile and vanilla scent and his emanating heat and the shape of his lips around his name.
it felt like all he needed, all he'd wanted, everything. his lungs felt tight with it.
he was sure he'd never navigated the castle so quickly, ignoring the sleep heavy slurs of confused portraits and the low humming of wandering ghosts as he climbed the moving staircases and speed walked down the cold halls, rushing hasty and mad, as though he were on some sort of undignified rampage.
he soon found himself in front of the fat lady, and perhaps he should have been more courteous about waking her, but truthfully, he didn't care.
"honeysuckle," he breathed, growing increasingly impatient as she blinked her eyes open and looked at him curiously.
"you better not be causing any trouble young man," she slurred sternly, squinting at him with distrustful eyes. "i will not hesitate to call headmistress mcgonagall down here should you try anything funny, and have you expelled—"
"yes, yes," draco huffed, exasperated. "honeysuckle."
the fat lady scoffed an irritated, "how rude!" but quietly swung open anyway, and draco stumbled through.
he smiled as soon as the familiar set up greeted his eyes, the warmth curling from the flickering hearth smoothing over his skin and whisking away the remaining tendrils of clinging cold that had followed him from the dungeons.
he bounded across the common room, embarrassingly giddy for some reason, and was just about to begin his trek up the stairs when something broke the quiet.
screaming.
draco stopped cold.
violent, terrified screaming echoed down the staircase, and it was blood curdling, absolutely chilling. draco was frozen at the foot of the steps with his lips half open, his fluttering breaths struck still in his chest as the shrieking grew louder, more frightened, so frightened and...merlin, draco...draco knew those screams.
those were harry's screams.
he didn't know how he knew, sure he had never heard harry scream before, but something about the fear shuddering through them reminded him so distinctly of harry that suddenly he was nauseated and frantic, and he was running up the stairs in fright as the sounds of panicked footsteps and confused exclamations resounded from the dormitory.
through the ringing in his ears, draco heard several voices rise at once.
"get hermione, quickly!" the distinct sound of ron's voice boomed from the other side of the door.
as draco reached the top of the stairs, a boy rushed out of the room, no doubt following weasley's orders. he gave draco a curious look as he passed, but didn't linger, dashing to the girl's dormitory to retrieve granger.
heart pounding, draco rushed through the doorway.
his muscles seized up at the sight that awaited him.
several boys were up and frantic, clutching their pillows and blankets with clenched fists and hovering uncertainly in a scattered circle around the furthermost corner closest to the beds.
ron was crouched down, talking in shaking, measured sentences, but his words couldn't be heard over harry's screaming. harry, who was pressed up against the corner beside his bed with his knees pulled to his heaving chest, his palms flat against his ears as his feet scrambled and pushed against the floor, shoving him as far away from everyone else as possible. his eyes were glazed with such vivid fear, with such panic, spilling torrents of tears down his fiery red cheeks and contorted face, lips stretched open on half screams, half sobs as his body shook and shook and shook. it was horrific.
despite harry's adamant refusal to listen to ron, the redhead kept trying, making ill-fated attempts at approaching him. weasley's eyes were wet, face contorted with misery as harry flinched away.
harry's mind was somewhere else. some dark and twisted reality crafted by nightmares, a place where friends weren't friends and it was him against the world.
draco struggled to speak around the weight of his aching heart. "weasley."
ron looked over and sighed, stepping away from harry. "malfoy, merlin," he spoke over harry's cries. "what are you doing here?"
he opened his mouth to answer, but was interrupted by the sound of multiple people running down the hall.
hermione bursted into the boys dormitory, hair falling messily over her shoulders and eyes blown wide and wild.
"harry!" she shouted when she saw him, panic evident in her tone. harry gasped, squeezing his palms tighter over his ears, sobbing.
she tried to approach him, moving slowly and cautiously to appear non-threatening.
but harry's eyes were glassy, and the closer she got to him, the more he thrashed, trembling more and more harshly with his lips parting over silent words.
hermione reached out desperately, whispering a broken plea. "harry, it's me, it's 'mione."
her tone was gentle, barely audible, but harry flinched like he'd been hit and shook his head so hard draco feared he'd concuss himself.
"no, no, no, no, no pl—please, i'm—i'm sorry," he sobbed, forcing the words out in between gasps. "don't, please, please—"
tears slipped down hermione's face, and she reached out with a shaking hand. he cowered away from her, pushing himself further into the wall.
with a choked sob, she retreated, stumbling backwards. her face was worn and marred by devastation, but as she turned to survey the room, she caught sight of draco standing helplessly by the doorway, and something in her tearful eyes seemed to clear. she sighed in what looked like relief.
"draco, thank god," hermione cried, stumbling over to him. she skipped the pleasantries and immediately grasped draco's arm in an almost painful hold. "get over here, quickly."
draco stared at her with widened eyes, helpless to do anything but stumble after her as she tugged him over to harry.
harry's eyes were squeezed shut now, unable to see draco approaching, which draco supposed was good because another blurred figure falling into his space would probably only terrify him more.
draco shook his head, movements sluggish.
"granger," he choked out, confused. "what—?"
"he won't let anyone else near him," she explained hurriedly, frantically. "he's scared of us for some reason, but he might listen to you. we need to get him out of this corner and calm him down before he makes himself sick or passes out. please draco, just try."
just try.
draco hesitated.
would it really make a difference?
his best friends in the world couldn't get to him.
how could draco?
he was terrified of doing something wrong, of making it worse, of hurting him more.
but still, he nodded. because harry looked so scared, and hermione looked so heartbroken. and he remembered when harry held him while he cried, how he'd refuted every self-loathing word that came from draco's quivering lips and pushed warmth into the icy crevices of his body.
he nodded, because for harry, he could try.
so, very carefully, he kneeled on the floor before harry's tensed form, opening his shoulders and painstakingly unwinding the tension from his shoulders in order to appear non-threatening. he made sure his open palms were in harry's sight, even though without his glasses, harry would only be able to make out the blur of white. he tried to catch harry's eyes, but they were too distant, moving around the room with fervent paranoia, as though looking for enemies.
"harry," draco prompted very, very softly. "harry, it's me. it's draco."
harry's shuddering breath hitched before rushing out of him harshly.
his eyes flitted to draco's and stuck for a moment. "draco?"
the blond nodded gently, heart twinging at the mess of tears on harry's cheeks.
"yes, it's me, it's draco," he said, and harry let out a rough sob. "harry, please listen to me. i need you to listen to me, okay?"
draco wasn't sure what he expected, but it certainly wasn't the flood of pure panic that broke over harry's twisted face. he was stricken as harry wildly shook his head in denial, and his ragged sobbing began to tear from his lungs even more harshly, little wheezes tearing into his cries.
"dr—draco i'm sorry," he spluttered out through his trembling lips, and draco realized, with a start, that harry was pulling at his hair, yanking with concerning brutality at his locks with his mouth all twisted up. "i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'msorrysorry—"
he heaved, lungs struggling to get enough air between crying and choked rambling. draco couldn't help but to let out a soft noise of distress.
"harry please, no," he pleaded softly, shaking his head. he shoved down the rise of vague panic he felt at the base of his throat. he had to remain strong. "you don't have anything to be sorry for, please stop hurting yourself—"
"hurt you, hurting you, so—sorry—" harry cried, his lips falling open on a rugged gasp that rocked the entirety of his frail body. he looked so small and frightened, so fragile and different from the pillar of strength he was depicted as in the papers. and draco cared about him so dearly it was painful, wished he could take this pain away from him.
he breathed a slow exhale, carefully reigning in his emotions.
steadily, he murmured, "harry, baby."
harry blinked fast. the pet name seemed to take him off guard, shocking him into soft crying and wide eyed gaping long enough for draco to get a proper word in.
"baby, i need you to listen to me okay? you had a nightmare. you had a really bad dream. it was just a bad dream, baby, you're okay, you're safe. i need you to try to calm down for me, you're breathing too fast."
"c—can't..." harry whined through a fast huff, breath hiccuping in the rhythm of his tears.
his lashes dipped as he tried to squeeze his eyes shut again, but draco shook his head.
"no, keep your eyes open," draco told him, struggling to keep the desperation out of his voice. "stay with me, look at me. can i touch you?"
harry nodded shakily, and draco gently grasped his face, willing his hands to still. he ran his thumbs over harry's cold cheeks, gathering leftover tear drops on his skin.
"look at me baby, please?"
it took him a few moments, but eventually harry was able to meet his stare, viridian eyes feverish with terror.
"good," draco murmured softly, forcing a smile of encouragement. "i need you to focus on me and only me. i want you to try and match my breaths okay? here," he placed harry's shaking hand on his own chest. "follow me."
draco paced his breathing, drawing slow, slow inhales and watching as harry fought to do the same, a steady flow of tears dripping along his quivering jaw. draco talked him through the process, keeping a palm around harry's face so he couldn't look away, making sure he kept his eyes open as he grasped desperately for oxygen. in for four, out for four, and with each perfected exhale, he drew harry closer to him, trying to meticulously move him from the corner. eventually, harry managed to shudder out an even exhale and the hyperventilating finally died down.
his panic attack ended there, but the crying continued.
it was as if a raging tempest were laying wreckage to harry's thin form, shivering through him in relentless, unmerciful waves, and harry trembled beneath draco's frantically smoothing palms.
draco folded him into his chest, ignoring the blossoming of a fearsome ache within his heart as he rocked harry's shuddering body back and forth.
his throat was tight under the constricting grip of slowly growing panic, but he sighed a careful exhale into harry's hair and forced a steady hum to pulse within his chest, a slow and quiet lullaby his mother used to sing to him when he was a child. he couldn't remember the words, but the melody was enough, and he stroked along the length of harry's shuddering back as he trilled a half forgotten tune against him.
eventually, his crying quieted. draco sagged with relief when harry began to whimper half-heartedly against his collarbone, huffing congested breaths against his skin with his eyes half closed.
harry's breathing evened out after a while. draco almost thought he was asleep, if not for the lethargic blinking of his damp lashes.
draco blinked to clear the quiet haze blanketing his mind and shifted his weight, allowing the movement to shake some of the stiffness from his bones. harry flopped against him with each motion, his cheek skimming the bend of draco's neck.
and he was...really warm. really, really warm.
brows furrowing in concern, the blond gently withdrew his arm from harry's back and touched the back of his hand to the boy's forehead. his skin was burning.
he looked up, only to find that some time during the commotion, the room had emptied out, everyone having evacuated save for ron and hermione, who were sitting on ron's bed in the midst of whispered conversation.
the redhead caught draco's questioning stare and turned to face him, looking entirely too haggard for someone so young. "the others went to another dorm room," he explained tiredly. "seamus and dean went to tell mcgonagall what's going on. she'll probably be around to ask questions, but i'll tell her to leave you guys alone."
draco nodded, brushing his hand on the tense curve of harry's spine. "he's got a fever."
hermione hummed, unsurprised. "i thought that would happen. when you have nightmares that intense, it confuses your body. you're in your most vulnerable state and you're completely relaxed, and then suddenly your emotions are reacting violently, as though you've been attacked. confuses your immune system," she quieted at the end, sheepishly realizing she was rambling (must've been a nervous habit), and stood up. "i'll get madam pomfrey and bring her here. i don't think moving him to the hospital wing is the best idea right now. it would only freak him out. ron, when professor mcgonagall comes, explain what happened. draco, stay with harry. he'll need you with him tonight."
draco nodded solemnly and watched, a bit wary, as both hermione and ron stood and left the room to fulfill their separate tasks.
once they were gone, draco looked down at the near catatonic boy in his arms. he looked a downright mess with his half parted lips bitten within an inch of their life, his cheeks gleaming with tears and colored a ruddy, unhealthy pink, and his hair even messier than normal, but even so...he looked like some tragic beauty. the muse of a tormented artist, and when draco whisked him up and into his arms, cradling harry's thin body against his chest bridal style, harry remained immobile and glossy eyed. like a slumbering princess, cursed to misery.
carrying harry to his bed was far easier than it should have been after all the work draco had been putting in to feed harry better, but he was a tad bit heavier than he was a few months ago, so draco counted it as a small victory. harry blinked heavily, a distressed keen building at the back of his throat as draco untangled his clammy fingers from his shirt and tucked him beneath the covers of his own bed. the withdrawal of draco's warmth had him blinking a bit fitfully, and draco was struck by irrational protectiveness. there were no enemies to fight off, at least no physical ones.
he pulled up a random chair and took a seat by harry's bed. harry whimpered softly, his hazy irises shivering with a dazed panic. draco grasped for his hand, folded it between his slim fingers and pressed a tender kiss on the bump of his knuckle.
"it's okay harry," he murmured shakily. he smiled, something bittersweet and warm and so, so loving. "i'm here."
i'll look after you. i promise.
a/n: <3