Recovery

Watching Her

I sit in the corner of the hospital room, watching her while she sleeps. She hasn't moved at all. Not. Once.

Not while they were switching her iv's.

Not while they fluffed her pillows.

Not once.

But then, what was that?

Did her eyelid just flutter?

No.

I must be seeing things.

But then- YES!

It did!

I stand up slowly and make my way over to her bed, just in time to see her eyes open.

"Puddin'?" She says in that emotional, loving way of hers, even low it's so low I can barely here it.

"Harls." I choke out, taking her hand in mine.

Gently.

Always gently.

"Where am I?" Harley asks, raising her other hand, twisting it a little.

I see her bandages and cringe slightly.

She hurt herself so badly.

"In the hospital, you tried to kill yourself last night."

I never knew she could be so self destructive.

I thought she was dead.

I thought I would never get to see those blue eyes ever again.

I see her start to tear up.

I hold her.

"I'm so sorry." She whispers, making the hairs on my neck stand up.

She sounds so broken.

All I can do is hold her.

I can't say anything.

She seemingly sobs endlessly.

Why did she want to die?

I don't understand. She had me.

Always.

Was it me?

Why am I blaming myself?

"Harley."

She doesn't move.

Was I speaking too low?

"Harley."

I know she heard me.

"Harley!"

She sits up, staring at me.

"Why did you do it?"

She stares at me blankly.

"Why. Did. You. Do. It?"

"I was scared of what I was becoming."

Scared of what she was becoming?

Before I know what's happening I've thrown her on the floor.

"SCARED OF WHAT YOU WERE BECOMING?"

She almost died.

"Y-Yes."

She was scared.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU COME TO ME?"

Harley.

"I am scared of you."

Beautiful Harley.

"Scared of ME? What would I do?"

"Hit me."

"I didn't know you were this weak."

I let the words hang in the air, feeling the venom in them.

I sit on the bed, cradling my head.

Scared of me.

She is, not was, scared of me.

I stand up.

I kneel in front of her.

I hold her head in my hands.

She doesn't recoil from my touch.

"I will take care of you."

"Puddin..."

"No. Wait. I am a terrible person. We both know that. That may never change. But I care about you and if you are trying to kill yourself, then you obviously need some help."

"You will hurt me."

"I might."

"What will I do when that happens?"

"You will hurt me back."

"I can't do that."

"Yes you can."

I get on the bed and motion for her to sit.

She crawls into my lap and puts her head on my shoulder.

I feel her heartbeat.

"I am scared."

She feels mine.

"So am I."