Reflection

Anger was written all over D.O’s face as he retorted, “What’s so bad about the others? You just picked me thinking you could change me, didn’t you? Reality check, just because I’m alone doesn’t mean I’m lonely. When night falls, I have myself, darkness, thoughts, and tears. Sure, I need love but nothing is guaranteed a forever. Besides, “I love you” is the most ironic mistake to blurt out. What’s the point of loving someone if you don’t even love yourself in the first place?”

Part of his words were true, and I wanted to explain why, but the sharp pain in my chest stopped me speaking. I was left speechless while D.O was heavily breathing. We stood there, looking at eachother, saying nothing. But to me, this kind of nothing that means everything. All of that was cut short when he groaned and collapsed.

I wasn’t sure of what I was doing or what was going to happen. If I crossed the mirror I could never go back. Nevertheless, I crossed onto the other side and placed Kyungsoo on his bed. His tirade seemed like built up fits of rage only to result in a panic attack. Maybe laying in bed with him for a while couldn't hurt. I shifted my head on top of Kyungsoo’s because of our height difference, and placed my arms around him.

When morning came, the sun woke me up before his alarm did. One specific thought raced through my mind: should I stay put or hide? If I stay put, he might have another panic attack and if I hide I this would be child’s play. I was completely frozen until the alarm woke Kyungsoo up and said, “Oh, it’s you again.”

I walk up towards him and sit back on the bed. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, I’m just not happy.”

“How come?”

He shrugs, “If I did want to talk about it, I especially wouldn’t talk about it you.”

“Just try, it’s once in a blue moon when you can vent to someone that actually cares.”

“ I became more independent. I’m just trying to look out for myself now. Trying not to get attached to anyone because it might hurt me in the future. I don’t want to marry, I don’t even want to date. My past caused too many psychological changes in me.

I’ve learned if you put too much hope into a person and you become vulnerable. It’s just that I push people away because they deserve better. Getting hurt is inevitable with anything you do, you know?  I’m just trying to live life well enough before I die. I already grew up with a rough childhood. Maybe I’ll tell you about my past, but I’m sure I won’t. You’d run for the hills alongside all the trust I put into you.”

I looked him deep into his eyes unsure of exactly what to say. “I know this is cliche but, your storm has long passed. Yet you’re still upset with the fact it rained. The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just have to find the ones worth suffering for.”

Kyungsoo gave a slight nod and told me he had to get ready for his day. This would be my first time seeing what he did outside of the reflection.

Kyungsoo disagreed with the idea of showering together so I stayed seated on his bed. Posted on his walls were photos of  Exo-K’s. While I admired them, something in the corner of my eye caught my attention. In the dark corner sat a wooden chest with the words “MEMORY BOX” carved in. My instincts got the best of me as I reached for the box. It was lighter than what I expected because papers were held inside. Prying it open wouldn’t work because it required a key. Just as I looked around the room for a key, D.O saw what I was doing.

“Um, what are you doing?”

“Oh I just saw this box and was kinda wondering what’s in it.”

“No. Just no. I already told you I hate my past and you do something low as picking up my memory box.”

“I didn’t mean to, it’s just the curiosity of being a protector. I’m sorry.”

“Whatever might as well show you if you want to see this badly, I’ll show you one photo.”

Kyungsoo grabbed out a vintage looking photo. It was a younger version of him next to another boy, smiling. The other boy had a darker complexion than Kyungsoo. “This is Kai, also known as Jongin,” Kyungsoo began, “He was an aspiring writer that lived next door. We would tell each other about what would happen in our families and he would write it then add a happy ending. Sounds cheesy, but it made me feel better to talk about my problems than bottling it up. That occurred for many years, and we were really close. I considered him and I best friends, which I later found out was wrong to do.

Before the decline of Exo-K, many of the members had issues. Chanyeol started doing pot and it was pretty noticeably since he came giddy to practice everyday. His boyfriend, Baekhyun, tried to help him through it but nothing worked out. Kai had serious financial issues. And then there’s was me in which we already covered. Jongin and I were actually in a relationship at the time. We talked excessively about my issues and every date he started to pay instead of me. That wasn’t mysterious to me during the time, but one day Suho came in and showed me a book Jongin wrote.

“This book your boyfriend wrote is pretty good. I wonder where he got the inspiration,” he said  while handing me the book. The title read “Reasons Why Childhood Has No Memories by Kim Jong In.” I flipped through hundreds of pages to only see, the story was based off my whole life. I confronted him about, but he told me that we should stop talking. He and Sehun developed a secret relationship and quit the band from all the money Jongin made from the book.

Kyungsoo reached into the chest and pulled out the novel, “This is the exact book Suho gave me. I didn’t dare to relive my past by reading it. Here, just take it. It was good I got something off my chest and out of that chest. Thank you for putting up with me. I know I wasn’t fun to be around, but I’m grateful.” I laughed at the joke and thanked him for the book.

It was thicker than I expected and in very good condition. I desperately wanted to read it, but Kyungsoo’s sad eyes stopped me.

“I won’t read it.”

“What? I thought you wanted to.”

“All I wanted was to know about you, Kyungsoo. And now that I got the gist of it, I knew you suffered enough. I was here to protect you from what was destroying you. Sadly, you were the one destroying yourself all along. Take the book back and find someone to accept you for who you truly are. I know there are millions of words in this book, but there are also approximately 1,013,913 words in the English language and I could never string any of them together to explain how much I love you.”

“Then why aren’t you staying?”

“I really would love to stay but rules prohibit this. Maybe in another life in another time, we will meet and instantly connect. I’m truly sorry, goodbye.” Before Kyungsoo had any time to react, I vanished.

After all the chaos, I was moved to another one of Exo-K’s members called Chanyeol. He’s different from Kyungsoo,  he’s kinda like a happy virus. He’s very smiley and never shows a slight bit of pain. But those are the worse type of people, the ones who are happy during the day but find themselves worthless at 3am. I know that he wouldn’t enjoy my drawings because no one did.

Though I was moved to another person I still wanted to know about Kyungsoo’s past, maybe I should’ve read the book. But with the burning thought of all the pain he suffered, I stop and walk towards the mirror to draw a daisy.