The Head and The Heart (written by Cath)

Goodbyes and Goodnights

It was close to 8:00 now, and the sun had set and the sky was a mixture of dark blues and black, the clouds hardly noticeable anymore. Dean and Cas sat on the couch, the TV on, but neither of them were really watching it. Cas's head was laying on Dean's shoulder, and he sounded half asleep. They weren't together, not really: there hadn't been any kiss or any combination of words to seal the deal. No confessions. So mostly, they just sat like this, eyes glazed with unspoken love and fingertips feeling of each other's spines, their legs intertwined and their hips bumping next to each other from the sheer closeness. Dean never minded. And from the looks of it, Cas didn't either.
But wasn't it supposed to be more than this? More than just wanting each other but not giving each other what they want? What they need? Dean wanted to kiss Cas, so badly. And he didn't know if Cas really felt that strongly for him, or if he was trying to take things slowly, but....

Cas was awfully close right now, next to him, closer than he usually was.
Dean was trying to watch the TV, but the volume was too low to hear anyways, so he didn't know exactly why he was trying. Cas shifted off of him, which felt naturally completely unsatisfying and disappointing, but he didn't say anything. Cas straightened up and stretched, and simply looked forward, seemingly at nothing. "What are you thinking about?" Dean asked, intrigued by the way Cas did that sometimes.... How his face seemed to melt and all at once he was a different person.
Dean wasn't sure if Cas was really thinking about much of anything; so when he didn't get an immediate response, he turned his head back to in front of him, focusing on the TV once again. Dean had planned on going to get dinner with Cas that evening, but time had suddenly passed while they sat there, and it had felt too nice to leave, and he was comfortable. He suddenly remembered back to his teenage years, where he'd get Cas to skip classes with him during high school, and come back to Cas's house to watch TV on the small living room couch.

And Cas would be right there next to him, just like right now.

He looked back over at Cas, who was still silent, Dean's question still going unanswered, but Dean couldn't bring himself to care. Looking at him was so surreal now- and for a split second, he saw a little scrawny, messy haired 16 year old boy sitting next to him, the same facial expression that he had on him now. Except now it was sadder, more longing, as if he'd left behind something in his childhood that he could never return to.

Dean wondered for a moment if it had been him that made him look that way. To make him look so perpetually deep in thought, with that lost look in his eyes.

He wondered if Cas would be smiling right now had he never left.

Dean decided to turn away, and break the silence, since he wasn't able to look at cas's face anymore without feeling such painful and unnerving guilt. The wind blew against the window outside all of the sudden, as if wanting to reach Cas to sooth his sorrows.

"I'm sorry I left."

A simple statement. No context. No story, or why he was sorry. Because he knew that Cas knew what he was talking about. Cas turned his head to look at Dean, snapping out of his dazed state. He didn't say anything, simply starred at him, and Dean knew he should feel uncomfortable, but he didn't. Something about Cas's eyes on him felt so incredibly right. And yet he wanted even more. He had left Cas and possibly broken him, and here he was wanting to take him back again.
Cas leaned forward, to where they could feel their breaths on each other's cheeks, and Dean subconsciously yet completely purposefully tilted his head to the side, and so did Cas, and all of the sudden, Cas was kissing him, slowly, gracefully, utterly perfect, and suddenly, he knew why Cas hadn't said anything. The kiss wasn't just an expectance of his apology, but also an apology of his own, an apology for never trying to find Dean when he has left, as if he were just fine without him. But the truth was he hadn't been, and Dean understood that now when he could feel the dampness of Cas's cheeks against his own.