Better Sorry than Safe

24.

It had to be really bad, if Connor reacted to it like this. "I only never mentioned her because it wasn't important. I don't like her, never did. It was nothing. I just had a hard time telling Emma that because--"

"Because you wanted to appear straight," Connor cut him off, staring down hard at the table rather than at him. "That's why you had to go to clubs, kiss girls." 

"What? I didn't kiss any girls!" Sem called out, his hands balling into fists, "That's a lie!" 

Connor's jaw clenched. "It's fine if you don't want to be out. I wasn't either in high school, and I still don't feel the need to spread it. It's fine if you want to hide that we're dating,  I respect that you're not ready. But I'm not your--" His nose scrunched up in disgust, "--your experiment, someone to string along in secret while you're pretending to be with all these girls in the open. Find someone else for that." 

"When have I ever pretended to be--" Sem stopped mid-sentence. Shit. He did kind of kiss a girl. Not really, but he did.  Goddamn it, he should've checked those stupid club pictures, even if he didn't want to see them. Now he had no idea what he was talking about, if there was a shot of him and Emma, or what Connor saw exactly.  He had to have seen the club pictures to know this right? 

Glancing down at Connor's hands on the table, Sem stepped closer, boldly reaching for them. Although Connor stiffened, he allowed him to take his hands. He even turned when Sem gently tugged on them, so they were face to face.

"Okay, there was one kiss. Emma stupidly and drunkenly kissed me, but I didn't kiss her back. If there's a picture of that, that's the girl drama I did tell you about, and that's all of it I swear."

Sem lightly squeezed Connor's hands to emphasise his words. "Whatever you think it the deal with Emma is, it's not."

At least Connor was looking at him again. He was listening, but doubt now flickered across his face. 

"You don't believe me," Sem stated, incredulous. "Why? Over some stupid text from an ex-girlfriend who, let's note this, hates my guts? Why would you believe some random stranger? You're not even questioning why she has your number? She wants to screw me over."  

"Because she is not the only one." Connor yanked his hands free, his composure suddenly cracking, raw emotion pouring from his eyes. "Everyone who knows you warned me about you. Everyone." 

"What?" 

"Daniel came up to me after he found out about us. Told me how you treat him. And Lisa. Told me to be really, really careful with dating you." 

"Ugh Daniel." Sem growled in frustration, "My brother only says that because he thinks my interest in you is shallow, all based on looks. It started there, sure, but don't so many things? It's not just about how you look anymore--" 

"Let me talk," Connor snapped. "Even Dev, who liked you, questioned us together. Thought my expectations of this were too high. And then I had to find out it's your friends who bully Lisa at the sport centre. You're friends with people who'd harass strangers for what they look like? I should've known when you told me how your friends treat that boy Blake."

"Hold up. My friends. Not me. It wasn't me doing it. Either of it," Sem defended himself sharply, "I stopped them from beating Blake up in London. And I told them I'd kick their asses if they did that to Lisa again. What else do you want me to do about it?"  

"I don't know." 

Connor ran a hand through his hair, started pacing, seemingly attempting to calm himself. "But you see what this looks like, don't you? Why am I getting all these people telling me you have a habit of screwing people over? They sent me pictures. What am I supposed to think?"

"That it's not true! That they hate me!" Sem paused. "Okay, some of it is true," he amended his words, "I don't get along with Daniel. Me and my friends do some stupid shit. But I've never done anything with Emma, or another girl, especially since I met you. The only time I ever slept with one was with Shannon a year ago, when I was still, you know, doubting."

"You used that girl to figure out your doubts."

Sem averted his gaze to the floor. It stung because it was true. " I just made a mistake," he muttered. 

But he wasn't the only one who had. He wasn't the only one who'd been withholding things here. Sem looked up again, narrowing his eyes. "And why the hell didn't you tell me people were trash talking huh? I didn't tell you everything, but you clearly didn't either." 

Connor let out a deep sigh. "Yeah. I should have," he admitted, "I always thought I was sensible, but you're good at making me think with the wrong body parts. You're sexy, funny. Way smarter than you give yourself credit for, and I really like you. My mom really likes you too."  He smiled wryly, shaking his head. "Frankly, I wanted to ignore it. I didn't want to care what anyone said, about this being a secret, because you're nice to me, and we have a great time together. Look how that turned out. I can't ignore it anymore." 

"We do have a great time! So, keep not caring about what they say about me. Forget about my ex-girlfriend and Daniel. Forget about Emma, because that shit isn't true. And I never did anything wrong to you right?" Sem pleaded, stepping closer to Connor, "I'm trying to be better. It's not always working out, but I've been trying not to do that bullying or screwing people over thing anymore. All that stuff you hate. Shannon happened before we even met." 

They were great together. Connor obviously saw that too, still liked him, and this had to somehow turn out okay. He reached for Connor's hand again, but this time Connor pulled away, not allowing Sem to take it. He stepped back, averting his eyes to the ground. "I think you should go now," he said quietly, "I need to think about this." 

"Go?" Sem repeated, caught off guard. But he really, really didn't want to go. Not unless he knew for sure things were okay between them. It didn't feel like they were in the slightest. Having Connor move his hand away, not even allowing him to touch him hurt like hell. 

"But," Sem's stomach was twisting itself into knots, dreading Connor's reply, "We're still together right?"  

"I... need some time to think," Connor repeated, still dodging his gaze, as well as answering the question. 

"That's not an answer," Sem pointed out. 

"I don't have an answer," Connor immediately shot back.  

"I can't leave with an I don't know." 

"I don't have an answer." 

This was going nowhere. Connor's tone got harsher with every word that passed his lips, his eyes growing darker. He was putting walls up and distancing himself further and further. The harder he'd push, the harder Connor would push back. It was as pointless as fighting his mom, or asking his dad for support, and Sem was exactly as helpless, couldn't do anything. 

"So that's it then? Just like that you'll kick me out?" he raised his hands, and dropped them to his side again, letting out a humourless laugh, "You're just not going to believe me, and I can't do anything to change your mind?" 

Connor slowly shook his head, and Sem let his shoulders droop, defeated. 

Connor wasn't going to budge. He was going to murder Shannon for this. But that wouldn't change anything. What was going on? How did this happen? Neither of them wanted this. He didn't, Connor didn't. He saw the same defeat and sadness he felt reflected in Connor's eyes as he gestured at the door. 

"You should go."