Under Pressure

What Did You Do?

"I couldn't have done this..." I looked down, then covered my eyes, turning my head away. I couldn't keep looking at it. 

"What do you mean? This is the least brutal thing you did, you went easy on him because he was the nicest to you!" Voice grinned. "You did so much worse to the others, I almost feel bad for the two older ones. Key word is almost since they deserved it, of course."

"No... what did I do to them...?" My mind was starting to spiral into the worst possible things I could've done to them. 

"Don't worry, nothing that would make you a bad person." Voice reassured, as if murdering them brutally wouldn't make me a bad person. "But you certainly did put them through hell! They were training when you got to them."

"No... please tell me this is all a trick..." I needed to find out for myself, I needed to make sure that they were alive, that they were still okay. I ran to the training room, it didn't take me long to find them. Adrenaline rushed through my veins when I laid eyes on them, what I did to them. I saw-

I screamed as I jolted awake, my throat already hurting as soon as the sound came out. Tears rushed down my face as I felt a sick feeling rising in my throat. I jumped to my feet, I tried to run to the training room to make sure what I'd seen wasn't real. I needed to make sure that they were okay, but I tripped over my own feet since I wasn't paying attention to anything including the placement of my own body. I tried to force myself up again, but I couldn't breathe, my own gasps rang clearly in my ears. The sick feeling rose all the way up into my mouth, apparently I threw up based on the bitter taste in my mouth and the gross puddle I left on the floor. I moved away from it, panting heavily to try to catch my breath. What could I do? I obviously couldn't get to the training room, how would I confirm they were okay?

"Donnie?" Leo's voice caught my attention, it was soft, like he'd just woken up. I probably woke him with my screaming, but I was more focused on the fact that he was alive, that he was able to wake up at all. That meant that Raph and Mikey were alive too, that I hadn't done anything to them.

"Leo!" I forced myself up, though I wasn't feeling well. I was unsteady on my feet as I raced to Leo as fast as I could. I hugged him tightly, burying my face into him. I needed to hold him close, to be sure he was really there. I needed to know that my brother wasn't gone, that I hadn't hurt him. I could feel his hesitant arms wrap around me, just patting my shell gently.

"What happened...?" Leo asked softly, exhaustion was clear in his voice. I'd definitely caused this, I'd ruined his sleep. "Why'd you scream...?" I couldn't make things worse for him and keep him awake any longer than I had to. Besides, if I said what I saw in that dream, I was sure that he'd be terrified of me, that he'd never want to see me again. Even if I didn't really do it, the fact that my mind was able to come up with something like that was surely a concern, right? I couldn't even think about it without starting to shake. I needed to reassure Leo at the moment though, I couldn't keep him awake just because I wanted to feel okay.

"Nothing... I'm okay, Leo, don't worry about it." I decided to go with that. It wasn't original, it probably wouldn't work, but there was nothing else I could think to say. I was already talking so much more than I was used to since I hadn't spoken much with Voice. Speaking of Voice, I would definitely not trust them again, I didn't feel safe around them anymore. 

"Are you sure? You literally screamed, ran, fell, and threw up, and now you're hugging me really tightly." Leo assessed my behavior accurately, there was definitely no way that nothing had happened. I knew I couldn't trick him, but I couldn't tell him what was going on either, I couldn't tell him that I'd brutally murdered everyone in my dreams. Dreams are a reflection of the subconscious, I knew that meant that my subconscious was probably messed up in some way.

"I'm okay now, it's nothing important." I had to say something, that was the best I could come up with on the spot. I couldn't come up with anything better, he definitely wouldn't believe that, but what else was I supposed to do, tell the truth? I could never tell him that I'd brutally murdered everyone in my dream. Sure, the dream was only the results of that, but it still made me a bad person, I was sure of it. I was already a traitor, now I was a dangerous traitor that clearly had no concern for the sanctity of life. 

"Donnie, I really don't believe you. Did something happen?" Leo insisted on questioning me despite my attempts to deescalate the situation. What could I do?

"No, nothing happened." I shook my head,  I would just have to keep lying my way through this if I wanted to get out of this situation. "I'm okay." that just got a sigh from Leo.

"I can't force you to tell me, but I really would like it if you were honest with me." Leo looked away from me, as if he were having a hard time saying this for some reason. Was he mad at me? Did he not really care about what was going on with me? Was this more about being honest than about what actually happened? I didn't know what to do, there were so many ways to handle this wrong. "I'm gonna go to bed again, but please let me know if you need me, okay?"

"I'll let you know, thank you." I nodded, there was no other way to handle it. I had to make him believe that I'd reach out for help. I couldn't really do that, but there was no way that I'd tell him that. He didn't need to know that I was going to handle things alone, he'd only ask me to let him help until I was too emotionally exhausted to keep arguing. My brothers were extremely stubborn and I didn't feel like arguing at the moment anyways.

"Okay, good." Leo nodded, then left the room, leaving me alone with my thoughts again. I was alone to think about what I'd done in my dream, to come up with a plan to make sure I'd never do that to them.