Cry

Cry

I cried after my soccer game. We lost by 4 but that’s not why I cried. I played awful but that’s also not why I cried. In fact, I wasn’t actually sad at all in that moment. But still. For hours after that game, I cried until my eyes got puffy.

Inside my chest is an iron bucket that fills bit by bit with each feeling of sadness I feel. It gets heavy. When it reaches its compacity, it overflows out of my eyes. It has always been this way. I can’t cry when I am sad and when im not sad, it tips. People always ask me, “Why do you listen to such sad songs?” and the answer I keep within me is that truly, the songs cry for me so I don’t have to. So I don’t have to feel.

During lunch I sit in the big stall corner of the third-floor bathroom. Listening to music. Its loud. But not too loud just in case it reaches the ears of passerby’s using the restroom. That would be embarrassing.

Before, I didn’t have to worry about my music being too loud. I didn’t actually listen to music alone in the bathroom either. I sat with my best friend. And she sat with me, her friend. She claims im her best friend but anyone with eyes can tell that’s not true.

The second one of her other friends shows up, its like im not even here. I wish I wasn’t even there either.

When they leave and its just us two, its back to normal. I think, maybe if I had a car like her other friends. Or if I was nicer. If I buy her food or carry her things, she would like me the same.

Maybe she would simply sit with me for one single day. Or talk to me like im not just there to understand but rather to be understood.

Shes selfish and rude so why do I stay? Why do I continue on like this?

The answer is simple. I have nobody else. Today she even said, “it feels like I havnt seen you in so long.”

Maybe its because we have 4 classes together and you only acknowledge me in the class you don’t have friends in. I responded to her, “I wonder why.” And she simply laughed it off and said whatever. How stupid can a person actually be.

All the time alone has got me thinking about many things. All my life ive known from the very beginning that life isn’t fair. It wasn’t fair what I endured as a kid. Its not fair that I get treated like dirt. Nothing is fair. There is always someone who has it better than you. And ive learned to accept that over the years.

During that time I figured out the one thing that is fair. And that is death. Death is the only thing you will receive that everyone else must meet as well.

Everything comes to an end. And I love a good sad ending. What if I met equality sooner than others? Would they care? Be sad? Be angry? How would they feel? Would they ever feel what I felt? Would they be sad? Would they be able to... cry?