Til The Bitter End | Alec Lightwood

26

"He is, but Alec, I'm not fragile. I can handle myself I promise," I gripped his hands tightly. He let out a long breath.

"I know, I know," He kissed my forehead.

"I'll be back soon."

"We! We will be back soon," Mag interrupted as I looked at him.

"Sorry forgot you were there Mag," I laughed.

"It's alright Bean," He hooked arms with me as we walked. I saw Isabelle heading for him. She was angry. I didn't stop her as she walked into his office. 

"We should go." I nodded as we both left the institute. "Okay, you're free. Now, tell me how you're really feeling?"

"I'm angry," I admitted. "I'm angry with myself."

"About Johnathan?" He asked.

"And the miscarriage. Alec assures me that he isn't hurt by it. That he agreed with my point of view on us being too young and it is the wrong time, but Mag. I just feel like I failed him. I shouldn't have gone on the mission. It's just a bunch of what-ifs that I can't do anything about. And the Johnathan thing," I laughed looking up at the street lights. 

"Everyone is asking me what he looked like. They are trying to get everything out of me, but I don't know. I can't remember. I can't remember why I can't remember. I know other things. Like some of my childhood memories, but I can't remember what he looks like other than a burned monster."

"Do you feel anything for Jonathan? I remember you telling me that you remember being with him for a time while you were younger. I know you went missing for a while when you were younger, but I didn't know you were with your brother. When you came back you were so out of it." Magnus shook his head. I hooked arms with him.

"I'm not sure. I want to, but the way he speaks. How he acts." I said. "He's a demon through and through. I thought I was bad, but his outlook has no conscience. He doesn't care who he kills."

"But he cares for you?" Magnus asked.

"If you can call it that. He called me Sissy. It was familiar. Like I knew him. I remembered him for a moment." I shook my head. "He's not the same person from my childhood, but I could see through his eyes. His black eyes that there is a part of him that just wanted to be loved by his father."

"That's the empath in you," Magnus said. 

We paused our conversation as I ordered Alec and I's Thai food. It wasn't as busy as it normally was in the small corner shop. It was a little after dinner time so most probably already came to get their food.

"Back to our lovely conversation," I muttered. "I feel like no one trusts me anymore. I don't come through like I used to. I can't do anything."

"You do more than enough for people to trust you, bean. At least the people that matter," Magnus said. "You are a great shadow hunter. Arguably better than Jace, but he won't be seen that way now that he's a Herondale."

"If I'm so great, then why can't I think straight anymore," I sighed. 

The man called my order so I stepped forward grabbing the bag from him. Magnus walked with me in silence for a moment. I didn't know the answer to my own question either. 

"It's the whole pregnancy thing. I think."

"It threw you off balance. You thought your ground was good until it shifted and now you're spinning," Magnus muttered. I nodded.

"I'm spinning and I'm losing touch with what I used to have," I admitted.

"Not with your Sister or Isabelle. You still have Alec." Magnus added as he opened the gate. "And me." I walked through.