Tsukasa Tenma and his Well-Hidden Anxiety

Ch. 4

Nene huffs, just a little annoyed. "I'll talk to him, and we can like, figure it out from there. Okay?"

Her assertive tone gets through to them; "...Okay..." The other two say.

"You guys should go to sleep now, then," Nene says, marking the end of their conversation. They all wish to do more, but there's not much that can be done without being able to talk to the person in question.
She can hear Emu's goodbye as she leaves the call, followed by Rui's discontented sigh in her ear. "You should sleep, too, Nene."

"Ugh, no thanks."

"I will if you will."

"...night."

–

"I'll see you at PXL?"

"...See you."

Tsukasa has eight hours to decide what he wants to tell the rest of his troupe. The truth, of course, isn't an option.
As he walks the other direction from Nene, he starts to think about their conversation they just had; and how he fucked it up.

Maybe he should've listened more. He definitely should've talked less. Now she's going to spend her day worrying and then she's probably going to tell Rui and Emu how rude he was to her and she's probably offended, and she probably thinks he's a horrible friend-

He stops himself, hitting his head with the heel of his palm. Thinking about this now wont fix anything, and it'll just lead to him spiraling in his thoughts and getting nothing done, which would be very unproductive. Right now he should be thinking about the conversation about him that they're definitely going to have later today.

The world passes by him in a daze, as if the people walking by are simply in some other dimension; he passes right through them, muscle memory keeping him going towards his classroom. He gives up on thinking about it and lets the exhaustion succumb. Tsukasa spends the first half of his day simply staring into space, oblivious to those around him who have started expressing their concern.

Soon enough, he hears the bell go off for their lunch break. He hardly hears it though, sitting at his desk and looking out the window still.
It's only until Rui taps him on the shoulder that he finally zones back into the real world.

"Let's go eat." Tsukasa looks up to see Rui's face smiling gently. Finding no reason to refuse, he nods and follows.

Their trip to the roof is silent, which Tsukasa should be grateful for, but instead it just makes him all the more anxious. What if Rui is actually mad at him? If Tsukasa was him, he'd be mad at himself- well, more than he already is.

He's probably taking him up there to yell at him where no one else can hear them, to tell him how disappointed he is in Tsukasa for not being able to follow his direction. Disappointing Rui was always the outcome he dreaded the most, and now it was here.

Tsukasa walks through the door that Rui holds open for him, met with the clear sky above them. He squints from the sudden light, and takes a deep breath, trying to prepare for any possible outcome. It's okay. Whether Rui decides to yell at him, or tell him to leave, he'll be ready. He won't cry about it, or get mad at Rui. He'll take whatever consequence he deserves.

"...I'm sorry," He hears the boy in front of him say.

What?

He finally decides to look at Rui's face, who is now staring at the ground with regret in his eyes.

"Why?" He ends up asking. The question seems to shock the both of them, Tsukasa not realizing what he said until after he said it; and Rui finds himself surprised that Tsukasa didn't start yelling at him.

"Uh.. Because, I pushed your boundaries and made you uncomfortable. I should've asked more if you were okay with what I was making you do."

"No, it's not your fault! I told you I was okay with all of it in the first place-"

"But I made you feel like you couldn't say otherwise!" Rui interrupts him, raising his voice. He's looking away from Tsukasa again, playing with his sleeve as his gaze is fixed at the ground.
"...Didn't I...?" He whispers.

And Tsukasa swears he's never felt so confused in his life. Contrary to his expectation, Rui didn't blame him for what happened yesterday; Instead it seemed that he blamed himself, which was far worse in his opinion.

"...No," He says. "You didn't."

"Then why did you agree with everything I asked of you, even if you weren't comfortable with it? I told you before if you genuinely didn't want to go through with one of my ideas, you could just say so!"

But then you would be disappointed in me.

Rui sighs at Tsukasa's lack of response. "You don't have to lie to me, Tsukasa. If i did something to make you feel uncomfortable telling me something like that, I'm truly sorry."

"You didn't, I swear!"

"Then why didn't you say anything?"

Tsukasa looks down, his tone quietened to a whisper. "It's...

"It wasn't you..."

Rui pauses, processing his words. "...Then... was it someone else?"

Again, no reply; just a look of regret and more averted eyes. Rui sighs again and decides to drop it. Even though he wants to confront the problem, he really despised putting his star in this situation.

The way that he looks away from him, closing in on himself, clearly anxious when talking to Rui, is such a change from how he usually acts. This happened yesterday as well, and yet this personality still feels just as wrong and off-putting as it was the first time he saw it.

Rui thought they were fairly close; he trusted Tsukasa so much more after that whole situation with their Halloween play. Maybe it was wrong of him to assume that the same applied for the boy, as well. He really hates how closed off he is right now. He feels his heart grow heavy as he looks at that expression; all he wants to do now is change it into something more relaxed and comfortable.

"We can talk about this some other time, if you'd like. We still need to eat."

"You're right..."

Rui sits against the wall, patting the spot next to him. "C'mon, it's a nice day today. We can still spend our lunch up here." He tries his best to smile. Tsukasa hesitantly moves from his spot, sliding down the wall to sit next to Rui. The two eat their food in a somewhat comfortable silence, both aware that the others' mind is far from empty.

Today, Rui doesn't ask Tsukasa to trade food with him. There's no light banter or argument, or Tsukasa lecturing Rui about nutrition, both too busy in their own minds to bother making a move outside of them.

I hope it rains today, Tsukasa thinks to himself.

If it rains, I won't need to go to practice.