STRANGE RECONNECTION - T.OIKAWA

05

☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ5. Pain

❝I couldn't live with myself if I let something bad like that happen to you❞

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

When I wake up, I can see my nose in my peripheral vision. It looks red and when I tap it with my finger it throbs. I try my best to ignore it, squinting my eyes to get a better look is starting to hurt so I focus my attention on the stiffness of my back and neck instead. When I try to stretch my muscles, I feel a weight on my legs. Oikawa is still here, he shifts away, blinking a few times as he awakes.

"That doesn't look like a comfortable position to sleep in," I say. He looks down and sees that he's kneeling on the floor and resting his hands and head on my thighs. He stretches his arms in the air and makes a groaning noise.
"I'll probably have bad pins and needles," he tells me between a yawn and moves his legs to stretch them right out across the floor.

"How's your face?" Oikawa's asks me. His hands are placed behind him, holding his back up straight.
"It's sore and throbs when I touch it," I say like it isn't obvious. My hand reaches to touch it again as if Oikawa would be able to feel the throbbing pain as well. His hand comes to meet mine before touch I it.
"You shouldn't touch it then," he says, there is a hint of humour in his voice.

His hand is lightly clasped around mine. My eyes dart back and fourth between his face and it. Oikawa gives me a strange look and pulls his hand away, letting it sit back on the ground.
"Sorry," he mumbles, looking away. My hands go to sit on my lap. I don't really want to look him in the eye.

It's quiet for a while and we don't look at each other.
"I don't like being around you," I admit, "it feels like torture."
Oikawa's head moves to look up at me, his expression looks confused, almost sad.
"Torture?" He echoes. I shrug.
"You hurt me so bad but here you are acting like you care about me and I'm almost falling for it, it makes me feel so pathetic." My arms go to wrap around my body and I pull my legs close into my chest.
"I do care about you," Oikawa says almost in a whisper. "I meant what I said."
"Whether you do or you don't, I'd still feel pathetic about it either way," I tell him, "I don't want to just forgive you for everything just because you were nice to me once."

"You can't hate me forever for not loving you back, [y/n]," he says. I feel a lump in my throat.
"Oh my god." My voice cracks. "I was never in love with you! I had a crush on you and even at that, I wasn't even sure if I did or not." I shift in my seat and pull my hand out from under my leg to run it through my hair.
"You were the only boy I actually talked to. I just thought I must've liked you because that's what happens in high school. The more I think about it the more I think I didn't even like you like that," I say, "so don't act like I was in love with you because I wasn't." Oikawa doesn't say anything. He just looks at me while his hand picks at the carpet. The fact that he's not reacting makes me angry. I feel like I have to explain myself more. There's a tense feeling all over my body and I can't stop myself from talking.
"And that not why I'm mad at you!" I shout at Oikawa, who still isn't giving me much of a reaction. "I'm mad at you because you left me, why can't you see that? I was lonely!"
"You had Hana," Oikawa interjects. My fingers squeeze the skin on my thighs, leaving a red mark.
"That's not the point," I talk back, my voice going quieter. Oikawa's says nothing, I assume it's because he wants me to continue. To spoon feed him my reasoning.

"My dad was in the hospital that year, I know you knew that so didn't act like you didn't," I say, my voice was cracking again. I don't understand why I'm so upset. "I was scared and worried and didn't want Hana, I wanted my best friend and you didn't even try to check up on me. After all the time we knew each other, I thought that something as small as a joke about a crush would stop you from talking to me."

Oikawa's swallows hard as his eyes trail around the room trying not to focus on me anymore.
"I really am so sorry, [y/n], honestly" he says in what I think personally is the most genuine and earnest tone I've ever heard. "It's the worst thing I've ever done."
"Why'd it take you a year to come up with that? To even apologise?" I muttered.
"I think I was just terrified you'd act like you hate me, which you did and that's justified," he added in the justified part quick and at the last second, probably scared he would offended me.

I sighed. Oikawa ran a hand over his face and scrunched up his nose. Once again I found myself wondering what was going on inside that mind of his.

"Truth is, [y/n], I think I've kinda loved you all these years and I just couldn't map out my feelings," he admitted. "Even the idea that you might have felt the same terrified me, so I did the easiest thing and ran away."
"That makes no sense," I swallowed.
"I know."

There was a moment of silence for a long while. My eyes stayed on Oikawa's as he goes back to looking towards the floor, right next to my feet.

"You're awful," I mumble.
"I know," he replies.