Same Time Next Year

Chapter 4

I nestled myself closer to Noah's chest, feeling the comfort of the weight of his arms around me before starting.  "I know you thought I was only going to Harvard because that's where you were and by breaking-up with me I'm guessing you thought I would go to Berkeley to be with Lee." I turned my head for a second and Noah nodded. I took a deep breath. I felt like once I got started talking, I wasn't going to be able to stop, I had spent a lot of time thinking of this over the past year.  I continued, working to keep my voice steady, I could already feel the emotion coming through. "I know you had your reasons and you didn't want me to have any regrets but I had already made my choice."

"Elle. . ." Noah started to interject but I interrupted him.

"Noah, please let me finish. I've been thinking about this for a long time." Noah's eyes already looked sad but he stayed quiet and nodded at me to continue. He took my hands in his, squeezing, as I continued, "I got into Harvard. I was accepted at one of the most prestigious universities in the country. One of the hardest to get into. I was so excited to go there, until you took it all away from me when you basically told me I shouldn't go.  I may not have had a lifelong dream to go there but I worked my ass off in high school in order to get into whatever college I wanted. My Dad was so proud of me for getting in.  I know my Mom would have been too."  I could feel the tears start to pool in my eyes when I mentioned Mom.  I took a deep breath, trying to keep the shakiness out of my voice before going on.  "The only reason I had taken so long to make my final decision was because I hated letting Lee down by not choosing Berkeley with him.  It was not because I wasn't sure if I wanted to go to Harvard.  I knew where I wanted to go as soon as I read that acceptance letter.  It may have seemed like I applied on a whim to be with you there, but I fell in love with Harvard when I visited you.  After we walked through campus together, I couldn't imagine going anywhere else.  Then, when you stood in front of me and said that if I went to Boston, it wouldn't be with you, you took it all away from me.  Not only was I upset about the break-up, I was devastated that I wouldn't be going to Harvard."  I stopped and waited for a second, trying to get my emotions under control before turning around to look at Noah, who was looking at me in shock.

Noah's voice was thick as he answered, "I had no idea you wanted to go to Harvard so badly, I always thought I talked you into it.  You always wanted to go to Berkeley."

"Growing up, I always thought I wanted to go to Berkeley because of my Mom and Lee. That was before I even started looking at colleges."   I bit my lip watching Noah's puppy dog eyes he always had when he was upset before I went on.  "Yes, I am happy where I'm at now, but I know I would have been happy at Harvard."  Noah looked crushed and I felt terrible that I hadn't held anything back this time. I knew if there was any chance for us going forward, he needed to know how I felt about his decision last year.  I traced my thumb over Noah's hand.  "I didn't want to upset you by telling you about it.  That's why I didn't want to say anything.  It's in the past now and we can't change it, as much as we wish things would have been done differently."

Noah wasn't looking at me any longer, instead his eyes seemed to be focused on our enjoined hands.  "Wow, Elle, I had no idea. I know it's not enough but I'm so sorry. I really did think you wanted to go to Berkeley with Lee. I was pretty shocked when you ended up at USC."  Noah paused before continuing, "If you really wanted to go to Harvard so much, why didn't you end up going?"

"I was so messed up after that.  I started to second guess why I wanted to go there, thinking maybe it was just to be with you, and that I didn't really belong there.  I guess I also thought I didn't deserve to be there since I hadn't already figured out my major.  I mean you already went to school there and were basically telling me that I shouldn't go.  It wasn't until I got to USC that I realized that most people didn't already have their futures all figured out and I would have been able to do that once I got there."

Noah's was shaking his head in disbelief.  "I hate . . . God, Shell, I hate that I made you feel that way.  That I ever made you feel like you didn't deserve it.  You said last night that you never hated me.  After all that, how could you not?"

"I couldn't hate you when I still loved you so much.  That just made me hate myself.  It was a rough few months after you and Lee both left for school and I waited to start spring semester.  When I finally got to USC, my roommate helped me figure out that you were just trying to help me, you wanted what was best for me, you just suck at communicating.  I knew that must be the truth because I knew you and I knew you wouldn't hurt me like that if you didn't have a good reason.  So, I worked to get over it.  I focused on making the best of all the new experiences you get in college and all the new people to meet."  I smiled at Noah, but he didn't return it.  "This is why I didn't want to tell you.  I knew it would make you upset to hear it.  I really am okay now, so please don't feel bad."

Noah was silent for a long time after I finished.  Finally, he spoke, the emotion making his voice thick, "I'm so sorry, Elle.  I meant everything I told you last night.  I wish I could go back and change what I did last year, I was so unfair to you. I should have talked to you about what was going on with us and what you wanted instead of just ending things."

"I know you're sorry, Noah."

Noah's voice dropped to a whisper as he went on, "I was scared. So scared that you wouldn't be happy there without Lee.  That I wouldn't be enough.  I couldn't stand the thought of you finally being with me at Harvard and wanting to leave, picking Lee over me."

I could see the tears pooling in his eyes at his admission and knew mine were already falling, I could feel the wetness on my cheeks. I hugged Noah, burying my face in his chest. "It was never a choice, never a competition between you two.  I'm sorry you always felt like that. That both of you have always felt like you were competing. You two would have gotten along so much better all your lives if you would have realized that."

Neither of us said a word after that for quite awhile. Stuck in our heads, wondering what could have been if things had gone differently.

Finally, Noah loosened his grip on me before standing up and stating, "I'm going for a quick run."

I pleaded, "Noah, don't be upset, please just stay here with me."

His eyes were still a little red but no longer watering. He answered with a was slightly clipped tone, "I have to run sometime today anyway. I want to clear my head a little. I won't be gone long." Noah was already wearing shorts and a t-shirt, so it didn't take him long to get ready for the run. He wouldn't meet my eyes while he put his running shoes on but he did pull me in for a kiss before he walked out the door.

A/N - Thanks for all the reads, votes and comments on this story!  I'm with most of you, I hate when Noah and Elle are apart but this story will be following the ending of TKB3, including their six year break.  You'll be able to see my take on their break at the end of their weekend together which will be coming in a couple chapters.  But the good news is that it's already been 1 year since the breakup so only 5 more to go!  Love to see the comments so please tell me what you think about the story!