good things fall apart • sirius black

Fragile things get broken

"I've been thinking a lot about what you said, about how I'm disrespectful and manipulative..." He paced forward, but Ellie took a step back for every one he took towards her, "I agree."

"Well, I'm glad you do." She replied, straight faced, "'Cause you made me feel like shit, continue to with the way you flounce around with Flora on your arm. And the most frustrating thing of all, is that I don't know what happened. What it was that I did to make you run off to her."

"Tu n'as rien fait." He spat out quickly, "Please don't ever think that my fuck ups are even remotely your fault. I'm sorry, really truly sorry, if I made you feel like my moods were your fault." 

"What is going on with you, Sirius?" Ellie sighed.

"No Padfoot?"

She ignored his dodging of the question.

"You don't have to let whatever it is consume you, I'll always listen, you've just got to be willing to share. To be willing to talk without biting my head off and deflecting the issue somewhere else. Deflecting it onto my actions."

Even now, when she hated him for all the pain he'd caused her, Ellie wouldn't abandon him completely. Something inside her wouldn't. And something else wanted answers too. Answers as to why he'd changed so much towards her, become so hostile. This conversation wouldn't piece their relationship back together, and she wasn't ready to forgive him yet, but it would help her understand where it all went wrong. Ellie just hoped that she wasn't a fool for hearing him out.

"I can't share this with you." Sirius mumbled, shutting his eyes and bowing his head.

"Why not?"

"Because I don't know what's wrong!" He despaired, "I just feel- everything is so- so hollow."

Ellie padded forward, cursing the way her own heart was pouring out to him, because she didn't want to do this again. He should be feeling sorry for her, not the other way around. I don't care how selfish that sounds. But her heart betrayed her mind and she found herself stopping right in front of him, reaching up to push his hair out of his face. Though instead of sinking into her touch like she expected him too, he backed away this time, shaking his head furiously.

"Don't." Sirius let out a shaky breath, dropping his gaze to the floor, "Don't touch- Just don't touch me. Please."

So she froze in place, lost in how to help him when each other's arms had always been a guarantee of safety. 

"I'm listening, Sirius." Ellie whispered, "Talk to me like you used to."

"I don't know how." He wailed, chest heaving and hands fisted around the hem of his t-shirt, "I don't know what's the matter and I keep trying to fix things, but I don't understand. I don't get anywhere and I'm just so trapped..." Trapped in what? Ellie wanted to ask, but he continued on, "People don't care about me like they care about you. I thought it was just them, they were supposed to be the issue, but- but clearly I don't deserve anyone's lo- No one will ever lov- But you do, or you did, and I ruined it... 'Cause I'm- 'Cause she was right. All those years ago, mother was right when she hit me for being lacking."

"There's nothing wrong-" Ellie began, heart clenching and tears welling, but he cut her off.

"I'm a teenage boy whose fed up of kissing. That wants to stop touching."

"And that's okay."

"NOTHING ABOUT THAT IS OKAY!" Sirius roared, finally looking at her with with the most broken eyes, "I want to fix everything, but I can't, 'cause I can't get close enough to anyone... And it's shit. It's really shit, because that's all I ever used to want to do."