@diamondback3 ,  @12stringninja , & @Rparise , I know these guys irl!! you should check out their work cuz they're very under-appreciated like a LOT of other good writers on Wattpad. So give them a shot :)

Alrighty, as you can clearly tell, since I'm on this website, I enjoy reading and writing... In regards to literature: I write, read and critique anything that pertains to fantasy, sci-fi, poetry, as well as teen fiction. 

Apart from Wattpad I've got this Wordpress blog going on: http://believesinmonsters.wordpress.com 
IT'S AN ARTS BLOG! so check it out if you'd like :)
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Reading Lists

16 stories
5 stories

3 Published Works

Featured work.

Unsent Letters

Social data: 7.9K reads. 191 votes. 49 comments.

Description: Unsent Letters. We all have them. They're that one thing that we keep from the world, That one side of us that we never let anyone see, Those few words that we wish we could say These are a collection of poems, written to be letters Just a few mor...

Other Works by _shoes.
The How To Be Awesome List

The How To Be Awesome List

756 53 17

Yes! This is the result of my TOTAL boredom, especially at night. They are mostly lists... strange lists...

The Unfortified We: Save Samuel

The Unfortified We: Save Samuel

998 76 91

We thought fairy tales were simply fiction. We thought the demons existed only in our hearts. We thoug...

There was a lot more interaction in this chapter and it’s beautifully done. This one is also very clearly set. You’ve made it known previously where the characters were and in this chapter you gave them a subtle yet distinct transition to a different setting. It flows perfectly. It’s not necessary- because your readers will have sunken into your story by this point and triggered their imaginations- but you could add some description if you have a preference as to what the reader imagines or if you want to strengthen further reading and understanding.

The mc’s character is still a bit iffy. I’m not quite sure of who he is… he’s depicted in the beginning of the story as a nerd or geek- a mathematician, but he is becoming increasingly watered down. 

Review a little if you can find the time and strengthen your character- make sure you know who he is- otherwise he’ll seem almost insignificant to the reader. Once again, if you don’t want the focus on the mc and rather on the world that surrounds him, it’s a preference and story-defining decision that you as an author make. If you want it as it is then feel free to ignore that last bit.

The introduction of more characters is fantastic. Just make sure their personalities and soul stay constant and don’t fade out. The perfect displaying of character soul and personality in a story exists on the edge of a cliff. Not too close to the edge or its boring and not off of the edge because that overwhelms the reader. It’s a delicate balance and it’s up to you to feel out where that balance exists.

once again... commas- revise and fix 'em up when you have the time. It's not just a grammar-nazi thing, its trying to get your sentences to flow.

I again apologize for my rambling
Also sorry about my pessimism, 
to be honest I adore your story ;P

Omigosh. YES.


Love it!

This chapter was definitely smoother, and the transition between the two ‘places’ was clear. The explanation of Rota, Rorrim, and the concept that your story seems to be revolving around, is a little thick and easy to get lost in. It depends on the reader, sometimes it takes a while for the concept to sink in. I’m really bad with explaining fictitious concepts in a story so I can’t really help with that. It may just be the case of adding a paragraph break so there’s a bit of a breather.  The ideas Siris is presenting are important to the story. 

The cards idea is genius, the whole idea of your story is genius- once again it’s just a matter of flow and clarity. Aim for crystal clear, you want the reader to understand their confusion and the complexity of the story- directly or indirectly you still want them to cover all the bases that the mc is.

Alright so there seems to be a lot more description in this one, and it’s great!

It’s still very random, a little bit easier to understand than the first chapter. It takes a moment for the nature of the story to sink in. The characters seem a little bit bipolar. And the mc’s thoughts are worded a bit unusually. Also, be aware that we are already seeing the story from his point of view.. There isn’t much need to mention that he sees something or thinks something- it becomes a bit redundant. You may want it that way, and if you do I won’t judge, it’s simply something to think about. Removing redundancy improves flow.

Btw I love the cigarette idea :)

Hey! So, looking back at it, the plot of this chapter was actually pretty tight. However, while in the present of reading it, I frequently got lost. Part of this may be due to some grammatical comma issues and also due to a lack of certain description. I understand the spontaneous nature or what is going on, but adding description might help it be more understandable. If you don’t find it fitting for the story to have a lot of description, it’s totally fine, but if you’re not against it, it wouldn’t hurt to immerse the reader into the setting and characters. Make things unforgettable. Random is okay, so long as it’s clear and can be understood.

A few points you may want to check over… the grandfather bit seemed kind of random and unfamiliar; you also lost me right after the mc lost consciousness the first time. He seemed to keep waking up and falling asleep or something... haha idek).

It seems like a whimsical story. It does also seem kind of random, but I think that’s due to the fact that events don’t quite flow in the writing aspect and the mc’s character seems to slip later in the chapter. Also, make sure the reader has all the info they need (directly given or meant to be an inference), remember that all that you know about your story your reader doesn’t yet know. 

Also, think about how many times you want your reader to read things before those things make complete sense. Do you want them to get it on the first try? Or have to go back and read it again to understand it fully- it’s an author’s preference thing, and if you’re firmly decided on your preference then it will make your story crisp.

Haha sorry I talk way too much... onto the next chapter!