Loving Him (FTM) (Wattys2015)

Part Ten

All of us including what appeared to be the entire school were gathered at the cemetery surrounding a cerulean coffin underneath a cloudless sky with the sun's rays glinting off it. I couldn't believe this was happening. I'd already pinched myself several times, each occasion the pain radiating through my forearm. Of course, that pain was nothing compared to the one residing deep in my heart, the pain I was aware that no matter how much time went by I would never recover from.

This was it. I was done for. Felt as dead as the person tucked into that final bed although somehow I continued to breath and my eternally ravaged heart didn't skip a beat. Standing there on weakened legs with a single long-stemmed blue rose in full bloom held between my fingers, I desperately yearned it to. I no longer cared for oxygen to travel toward my lungs and blood to pump through my veins.

What was the point? I didn't want to be here, didn't want to exist if he couldn't. How would my life thrive without having him there as a constant? Without spending every day loving him? Another quote written on my bedroom wall goes 'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Alfred Lord Tennyson created that and I wasn't certain that I believed it any longer. Part of me now wished I had never pursued him in the first place while another part was grateful for the time we did share. 

My turn to approach, I walked up to the coffin. Eyes glazing with tears, I kissed a delicate petal before placing the rose atop it with several others already there. Someone brushing my left side, I initially thought it might have been either Timothy or Damon, but the moment a calloused palm slid against my own, fingers linking with mine, I knew precisely who it was.

Angry, I thought about snatching my hand away, but couldn't bring myself to do so as I'd missed the warmth of that particular touch. "What are you doing here?" Eyes trained on the coffin I awaited a response.

"Well...it is my funeral. Would have been rude if I didn't show up."

Detecting a hint of amusement in his tone, I turned, regarding him with a glare. It didn't go unnoticed by me how gorgeous he looked all things considered. Dressed in pristine white jeans, a neatly tucked in long-sleeved shirt that matched his eyes, not a dark tendril on his head out of place and a glow to his cheeks, he looked ready to pose for a modeling session. "You think this is funny?" Glancing around, I noticed everyone else appeared frozen as though either Spencer or myself had some magical remote on which we tapped the pause button.

He shook his head. "Not at all. Sorry."

"What are you sorry for?"

He thoughtfully stared at me before indicating the coffin. "For being in there. Screwed up."

"That's the understatement of the century, Spencer." Anger intensified to the point I was able to tug my hand out of his. "Why? Why the hell did you leave? Why did you give up?"

Those light blue eyes filling with tears, he shrugged. "I don't know...I'm sorry, baby."

"You left me. You left everyone who cared about you and you think repeatedly saying you're sorry will suffice?"

"I love you."

Drops of moisture disturbed the light layer of makeup on my face. "If you loved me you wouldn't be decaying in this damn coffin!" I slapped the top of it so forcefully that a couple of the roses fell to the recently dug up earth.

"Kelsey..."

"What?" The word sharply retorted, I put a few feet of distance between us as I was concerned I would smack him.

"This isn't real."

"What?" That time it was emitted in a faint and confused tone. "What's not real?"

Spencer swept an arm around the grave site including the motionless mourners. "None of this. We're in a fabricated scene." Walking up to me, he gently tapped the side of my head. "We're up here." I closed my eyes when those gentle fingers stroked down my face. His hand cupping my cheek, Spencer whispered, "Open your eyes, baby. You'll see. Just open your eyes."

My name uttered again and again, I finally acquiesced. The moment my eyes met his, I breathed the greatest sigh of relief as I noticed the nasal tube hooked to his nose. It was all a dream. Well, more like a nightmare. In that second, I never wanted to fall asleep again.

Sitting up in the chair, I studied the clock on the wall while ignoring the ache in my lower back from having been sleeping in that position for a good hour and a half. "You're awake." Looking around the private room I noticed that we were alone. Last I was aware his parents were there and I drifted off to their quiet conversation.

Spencer nodded against the pillow behind his knit cap covered head. "I am. Been watching you sleep," he hoarsely replied. "You started looking distressed and murmuring something, so I called out to you, hoping to rouse you. Bad dream?"

"Yeah. Seriously bad." I shivered at the thought of him forever residing in a coffin. "How are you feeling?"

"My chest hurts a little."

"Yeah, striving to detach one's tits with a kitchen knife could cause that to occur." Watching as an uncomfortable expression settled onto his face, I stood up. Raised a hand to run my fingers through my hair until I recalled that it was in a ponytail. "Going to find your parents." I started to head toward the door until Spencer softly spoke my name. "Yes?"

"What are you thinking?"

I spent a few seconds concentrating on my breathing before turning back to him. "How grateful I am that you're still with us and how much I love you." There was much more to it than that, but I was wary of speaking my mind too much. Hadn't realized just how upset I was until awakening from that nightmare. Part of me yearned to lash out at him, which caused me to feel like grade A bitch.

"I'm sorry for what I did...what I tried to do, Kelsey." Spencer slowly shook his head. "Wasn't thinking. It was like I shutdown emotionally. Believe me, I'm grateful that I woke up in this bed." When he reached for my hand I didn't hesitate to wrap mine around his, careful of the IV attached to the back of it. "I love you too. Very much and I never meant to hurt you. Any of you."

I gazed toward his chest, which was covered with a sheet. "Something good came out of it. Dr. Bell, a plastic surgeon, finished what you started. Gave you a double incision. Even saved, resized and relocated your nipples. Don't be alarmed by the tubes under your armpits. Temporarily there to drain excess fluids." My voice reminded me of a robot.

I pictured the revealing of this information going so differently, explaining to him with much enthusiasm how he didn't need to deal with those breasts ever again. Spencer would be shocked as he gingerly touched his flattened chest while the unexpected news sank in. We would both burst into happy tears and I would bend down to embrace him with much care. Instead I sounded as excited as someone discussing a root canal.

Spencer attempted to sit up, but upon a wince quickly followed with a groan settled back on the mattress. "Seriously?"

I nodded. "Seriously."

As I imagined, he used his free hand to touch his chest through the sheet while tears rushed to his eyes. I felt a smidgen less robotic as that tugged at my heartstrings. In a bewildered tone he asked me how that was possible when he didn't meet the criteria--no therapist, no approval letter, barely any money...

My intention was to relay the same story Dr. Bell offered, yet for someone who had just regained consciousness from hours of surgery, Spencer was quite sharp as he appeared dubious.

"What?"

"Something about that sounds off." Spencer paid rapt attention to my face as though doing his best to read my thoughts. "A lot of damage and nearly severed? My memory of it is fuzzy, but positive I didn't cut that much. The pain was too brutal..." His eyes shifted toward the three rectangular windows that would afford a view of the nurse's station if the blinds weren't closed.

Wish I had a special eraser to wipe away the memory of a bare-chested Spencer with blood rapidly coating his torso and the bedding below him. Anger and agony battled for dominance as I replayed the frightening rescue mixed with the nightmare. "Don't know what you want me to say, Spencer. That's the truth." Hand pulled from his, it occurred to me that I had to get out of there.

Perfect timing, Spencer's dad knocked on the open door, a faint smile on his face as he focused on his youngest child. "Your dad is here," I stated the obvious as though he couldn't view the tall, robust man filling most of the entrance. "I'm gonna let you two speak. Go for a while."

"I don't want you to leave, Kels."

Can hardly believe you're with me, you chose me...promise to spend each day of my life making sure you understand how much you mean to me. I love you, Kelsey. Always will.

Those were very nearly Spencer's final words to me and then a little while later he attempted to end his life. I ignored the hand held out to me, pushing mine into the pockets of the jacket Mom went home last night to grab for me along with a change of clothes. "Then we have something in common because I didn't want you to leave either, Spencer. Didn't prevent you from trying." Hurrying toward the door, Mr. D silently moved out of the way. Hand brushing his shoulder, I walked out, managing not to shed a tear until I reached the elevator.


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Spencer's POV

I royally messed up, didn't I? No, don't answer that. Already know what will be said. My actions caused the woman I love a bundle of pain. I could read it in her eyes, her body language and the tone of her voice each time she spoke. Then she walked out appearing that she would burst into tears at any moment. I couldn't blame her as I wanted to kick my own ass for what I did last night.

What was I thinking? Suppose I hadn't been thinking. I just released all traces of sensibility while convincing myself that it was in my best interest to leave. I didn't think. I forgot to think about the consequences of my actions.

By taking my life I would be giving up, I would emotionally injure those closest to me and it wouldn't solve anything. If I had been successful I just would have been dead leaving others to find my body and deal with the fallout of my cowardice and selfishness.

Kelsey found me. Couldn't remember much, but I did recall her leaning over me, remember her hands on my chest trying to quell the bleeding and remember that her face was riddled with anguish. After everything, after her standing by me and supporting me all these months, that was how I chose to repay her. Should have known she would most likely be the person to find me, yet I didn't think it through.

Just wanted to escape. And if I'm honest with myself, I believe part of me wanted to make my mom suffer too. She's tried telling me that my thinking I'm transgender is a phase, that I'm not in my right mind, that I'm confused and she even tossed in her opinion that I killed her daughter.

After she took it upon herself to give my bedroom a girlish makeover I'd had enough. Looking into her eyes, I realized she would never accept me as Spencer and if I continued to deny her Harriet she didn't want anything to do with me. So I thought it fitting payback to end my life by cutting off the breasts in order to bleed to death. That should prove to her that my being transgender was permanent, believing myself to be a male on the inside didn't make me crazy and I knew exactly who I was. If Mom refused accepting my life as Spencer then perhaps she would accept my death as him.

All my half-assed plan did was to stress and hurt those who cared about me. Also, what I had done would now become part of my medical records and speaking with a psychiatrist earlier, I learned that I would have a minimum of a seventy-two hour hold. The fact that the breasts were gone thanks to Dr. Bell who I met not long after the psychiatrist left, should have made me happy, but I actually felt immense guilt. It was a gift, a blessing I didn't currently feel like I deserved.

The next person I wanted to talk with was Kelsey. I needed to explain as best I could. An ache in my chest that had nothing do with the double incision, I thoughtfully gazed toward the phone provided by my nurse, wondering if I should call her. Five seconds later, I easily grabbed it since it was merely a few inches away from my thigh. Grateful for that as raising and waving my arms around too much caused my bound chest to remind me of recent self-inflicted and surgical incisions.

Kelsey's cell phone rang four times before going to voicemail. Missed her even more as I listened to her recorded cheery voice instructing to leave a message and that she would return the call as soon as possible. Throat cleared, I closed my eyes while waiting for the beep signaling I should begin talking. "Hey, Kels, it's me--Spencer. I ate a little breakfast and soon after had a good chat with a hospital appointed psychiatrist. She was really nice. Made me feel like a normal person instead of someone who needs to be fitted for a straight jacket.

"Also spoke with Dr. Bell. He told me the same story you did, but something tells me my tenacious girlfriend played a humongous role in why those unwanted breasts have disappeared from my chest. If so, the words haven't been invented to explain to you how thankful I am. I tried to take my life, but you saved me--more than once," I paused while pulling in a deep breath. "Kelsey, I'm sorry. That sounds lame, but I...it hasn't even been twenty-fours since it happened, but I honestly understand what I attempted to do was wrong and I regret it. Wish I could go back in time. If so, I would have come to you instead of retreating to the tree house to take my life. 

"I have so much to live for. I just...for a few minutes there I forgot. I lost it, but now I'm refound and I promise you that I won't ever stray down that path again. I want to live and be happy with you, share an entire lifetime with you. Want to experience so much with the woman I love and have the opportunity to tell you how beautiful you still are when we've reached our golden years. Even if your blond locks turn completely silver, if you're hunched over with a walker or cane, you have your share of liver spots, your mouth is filled with dentures and your face lined with wrinkles you'll always be beautiful to me."

I bit down on a trembling lower lip as blinking caused tears to escape the corners of my eyes. "That's my greatest wish, being able to remind you of that because that'll mean my nutty self somehow managed to convince you to stay with me for over sixty years. Probably makes you a bit nutty too choosing me as your life partner, but I'll spend every day proving how deliriously grateful I am that we're together, that we're forever an us. Spending sixty years with Kelsey Plumb would be akin to savoring Heaven on Earth.

"Anyway, guess I've talked your ear off enough. Just wanted to touch base with you, give you an update and in case it's slipped your mind, I love you. Please don't give up on me," I whispered, annoyed by the crack in my voice. "A hypocritical thing to say considering I gave up on everything, but never again, Kelsey. I'll be stronger, I'll be better, I'll truly try talking instead of reacting rashly. Just...don't give up, okay? Hope your Saturday is going well and that you're getting some rest as I know it was a long night. Hope to see you later or tomorrow. I love you. Can't say that enough. Bye for now, baby." Call ended, I dropped the phone by my side with my eyes remaining shut.

I pondered taking a nap when less than a minute later, the hospital issued phone rang. No caller ID to tell me who it could be, I just answered it. "Hello?"

"Did you mean it?"

Heart performing a couple back flips, my hand gripped the phone tighter. "Every word, Kels. I know I disappointed and hurt you and I'm so very sorry. Lost my head."

"Found it though?"

"Yes and it's firmly and permanently attached to my neck." My lungs took a brief vacation upon a sigh traveling through the speaker. "Feel free to kick my ass if you'd like." I considered it a positive sign when she chuckled.

"Tempting, but I don't believe in domestic violence." Kelsey spent the next several seconds clucking her tongue. "I'll forgive you on one condition."

"Anything." Think that reply may have flown from my mouth before she could finish saying condition.

"I'll agree to spend the rest of my days with you if you'll promise when the time comes you'll pimp my cane or walker like the cars you'll be working on for a living. I wanna be the cool granny everyone admires when I enter the bingo hall on your arm." 

I laughed until it caused my chest to ache, yet in that moment I was too happy to care. "Baby, I will pimp out anything you want." While it was Kelsey's turn to laugh something occurred to me. "You sure did listen to my voice message fast."

"I didn't. Caught the live show."

"Huh?" Phone clicking, I heard a dial tone. Thinking that we had been disconnected, I was about to redial Kelsey's number when Kelsey knocked on the entrance to my room. I grinned as she wiggled her eyebrows and sent me a little wave. "You're here."

She nodded. "I am. Watched you talking to my voicemail. Since your eyes were closed it was easy to achieve undetected."

"What's the first thing you heard?"

"You had me at 'hey, Kels'." Winking at me, she strolled toward my bed.

The size of my grin increased. "Jerry Maguire...nice." I watched a hand trail along my thigh through the sheet heading upward. "Have I ever told you that you complete me?"

That hand caressed along my hip, up my side, jumped over to my arm, fingers walked up to my shoulder, grazed my neck and then a warm palm cupped my cheek, thumb playing with my bottom lip. A soft smile in place, Kelsey leaned down, our foreheads brushing. "Show me instead."

Without another word, I carefully raised my arm and clutched the back of her head, lips delightedly melding with hers. While we kissed I wondered how I could have risked losing this, losing her. Never again. For better or worse, in both good times and bad, I would persevere because having come dangerously close to missing out on so much I comprehended just how precious life was. I yearned to live, to experience, to learn and to spend a long and happy life loving her.

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It was recently brought to my attention that casting Megan Fox as Spencer could be taken the wrong way as she's a woman and Spencer is a man, so readers could get the idea that I view a transman as a woman simply dressed as man. This was cleared up through inbox messages, but I wanted to make it clear for all to read that that was not my intention.

I love casting celebrities as my characters and one of the reasons I selected Megan Fox instead of a male celebrity is because this story takes place before Spencer began to truly transition. In my opinion, casting a male to play him would have made sense if the character was already on testosterone treatments, but since the most he's physically done is change his wardrobe and hairstyle, I thought it perfectly reasonable to cast a female. While Spencer is a man on the inside and most people he interacts with have viewed him as such, it's still obvious that he was assigned female at birth. 

I have attempted to do my homework in preparation for this story and it's important to me to tell it with as much respect and care as is possible. I realize that at the end of the day he's just a character, but I've come to deeply care for Spencer and I'm doing my best to tell his and Kelsey's story well with the utmost sensitivity and realism. If for any reason I've offended anyone, I apologize. This note was much longer than I anticipated! Sorry if I rambled. Thank you for reading it and the story. Have a great weekend and take care.

~Meg~

P.S. Last chapter stated chapter eleven should be end. Now I intend to wrap it up with an even twelve ;)