g h o s t e d

𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐮𝐞

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

So, I'm here again sitting on my usual spot on the same old, black leather couch that looks as if it has been here since the prehistoric era. I shift my movement on the couch, causing it to send out this wailing creak throughout the room. I let out a heavy sigh and look towards the floor in agony because of how long I've been here. Today, it makes a year since I've officially decided that I'm more than I can handle. I'm my own enemy at battle. Since my co-worker at the office that I work at noticed my quick demise, he suggested I try coming to this therapist that he goes to. I felt stupid the first time I ever stepped a foot into the entryway of this place. 

It wasn't because I was embarrassed of going to a therapist. 

Or because I was afraid to talk about my unstable emotions.

Instead, it was because I had this deathly fear that he was going to look me straight in my eyes and just tell me calmly,

"You're a lost cause."

Or...

"You can't be helped."

It hurts a lot when you already tell yourself that. But when it is someone who is a professional that you're paying to listen to you rant for hours on end saying that? It hits different in a bad way. Still, I was thankful for my co-worker's advice of coming to this place. Even though sometimes I walk out of here and feel more hopeless of myself than I did when I entered, I do occasionally walk out feeling as if at least something is happening. Even if I can't see that change myself. I look up and become lost in a poster hanging on the wall before me. Of course, it was a suicide prevention poster with a trail of bulleted statistics in small font.  I stared at it, remembering the dreadful day in question. The poster in front of me solved so many problems but had the biggest downfall of it all.

It would erase all my problems but...I want to live.

Suddenly, I hear the door swing open and find my therapist standing before me, flashing me an enthusiastic smile as he closes the door behind him.  

"Good afternoon, Noah. How are we feeling today?"

---

After our appointment is almost over, he gets up from his chair, which creaks as well, and makes his way to a cabinet in the corner, opening the bottom drawer and revealing a navy blue notebook, similar to the one he carried in with him. 

"I want to try this new activity with you. Since our office is going to be closed on Christmas and a couple days after, I want you to write in this notebook everything and anything that you feel. Even if you think something just small, write it in here. I want to be able to go over it and talk it over when we return." He speaks, holding out the notebook.

I grab the notebook and examine the blank, empty pages that would soon be filled with my words.

"So instead of talking to someone, you want me to talk to myself about how I feel."

"I know how it sounds, Noah. I know you can do this however. It's only this once and who knows? It might can seriously help you."

I look up and take notice of the suicide prevention poster again which is now hanging behind him.

"I...It's been a year since I've started coming here. Am I...Am I getting any better?"

He looks at me worriedly for a minute and then shifts in his chair, causing it to squeal once again.

"You are, Noah. You're doing splendid. If you keep up the good work, you'll be better in no time, I promise. Everything that you're fighting isn't just your fight. It's our fight."

Nodding, I get up from the couch and make my way to the door.

"Thanks, I'll start writing in it as soon as possible." 

---

Adding this note as of December 25th, 2019, That was the last time I saw my therapist and his frequent, yet warm, smile. He was right however. The notebook project would be my biggest help. It would make me realize so many things and discover so many emotions that I didn't know I possessed. So, if you're reading this Dr. Harper, you were definitely a great therapist. And I'm sorry that I lost our battle. 

A/N: If you enjoyed this chapter, please do give it a comment and vote so that I know you're liking it. This is a dark story but please keep in mind that you ALWAYS have someone who will understand and be there for you. Things DO get better. <3