I Didn't Mean to Break

I can't

"Bull shit." Mark's face remained neutral but he was already bordering on frustration. This was going to be a long conversation and take a lot of effort from both of them but he knew Ethan will make it more difficult than it needs to be.

"What do you mean 'bull shit'?" Ethan had put his phone down next to him on the couch and was now actively putting up his walls to defend himself.

"Eth, I've known you long enough to recognize when your mental state is slipping. You and I both know that. Just talk to me!" Ethan flinched slightly at the raise of volume and Mark sighed. "Please."

"It's nothing."

"Well obviously it's something."

Both of them were getting progressively more frustrated and agitated with the other. Ethan knows he should just talk it out and he knows Mark's right about his mental state, but what if he opens too much? What if Mark doesn't actually want to know and he's just trying to be nice? What if it's too much for him? What's wrong with you.

-

The two had gone back and forth for a few minutes and are now sat in silence. Ethan pointedly looked away from Mark and Mark watched Ethan out of the corner of his eye.

With a heavy sigh, Ethan leaned forward and rested his elbows on his legs. Mark turned his attention towards the boy next to him but took care to not stare at him.

"I just," Ethan started then puffed out his cheeks as he thought of what to say. "I'm tired Mark."

Running a hand over his face, Ethan let out a small, shallow laugh that cause Mark's stomach to twist. He didn't know what to say to Ethan because he didn't have enough to go off of yet so he silently watched as Ethan collected words.

"I'm tired and I'm stuck and I don't know what to do. You're one of my best friends and I wanna talk to you and be open with you 'cause I know I should but I-" Ethan paused for a second and regained his composure. "I don't know how, Mark."

Mark looked at Ethan's figure as he slumped over himself. He was struggling to figure out the best way to go about comforting Ethan but forced himself to say something before Ethan shut himself down again.

"Eth," he started without really knowing where he was going. "Eth, talk to me. What's making you feel stuck?"

"I can't Mark."

"Why not?"

"I just can't, okay?" Ethan said frustratedly, snapping his head to glare at the man next to him. His face softened when he saw Marks shocked expression. "I'm sorry, I just-"

"No, no, it's okay. Sorry, I didn't mean to push you."

"I know, I know." Ethan let out a soft groan then continued. "I want to talk to you Mark, I really do. It's just, like I said, I don't know how."

Ethan bowed his head over his lap as he hunched over again. Mark sat up a little more and moved closer to Ethan. He raised a hand to put on his friends back as a small form of comfort but ultimately let it fall to his lap again.

"It doesn't have to make sense, ya know?" Mark said while watching Ethan out of the corner of his eye.

"What?" Ethan asked glancing up at him.

"You can just start talking, it doesn't have to make sense." Mark responded with a soft smile. "Get it all out there and we can piece it together afterwards."

"I don't even know where to start though."

Mark thought for a second then said, "I guess the beginning? Did this have a trigger or something?"

"I mean, yeah, I guess"

"Okay, start from there."

Ethan sighed. Here goes nothing.

"I'm tired of being the butt of everything. When something goes wrong it's always my fault." He saw Mark open his mouth and quickly continued. "I know it's jokes, I know I shouldn't be offended and that I'm a snowflake or whatever, but it still sucks because of how constant it is, ya know?"

"Ethan, you're not a snowflake. You have self esteem issues and that's okay. You're absolutely allowed to not like certain jokes at your expense. If a joke's too much, say something. We're your friends, Eth, we'll stop if you ask us to." Mark brought his hand up again and this time placed it on Ethan's shoulder blade as he offered up a smile.

"It's not all the time though and I don't know why sometimes things hurt more than they do other times so it's hard to predict this shit."

"Yeah, a lot of stuff like this is situational, that's okay."

"It's annoying" Ethan said scowling at the floor.

"Oh, absolutely," Mark said grinning at Ethan who's face lifted into a grin of his own.

Ethan sat up straighter and Mark moved his hand back to his lap as he carefully watched Ethan get lost in his head for a moment. Mark watched as Ethan's face slipped into a distant gaze and he saw as the corners of the boy's mouth slowly slanted down.

"Hey, what's going on?" Mark asked softly.

Ethan blinked a few times to bring himself back to reality. "What?"

"What's going on?"

"Oh." Ethan rubbed his eyes and scrunched up his face in an attempt to restart his brain. "Nothin' man, thanks for listening to me," he said with a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. Those eyes, which still seemed far off.

Mark frowned at him. They both knew Ethan was lying and they both knew Mark wasn't falling for it anytime soon.

"Ethan, please. I wanna help you but I can't if you won't talk to me."

"I can't talk to you about this, Mark," Ethan sighed out. "I really wish I could but this is something I just gotta deal with."

"You don't have to deal with it alone though," Mark tried.

"Yes, Mark, I do."

"Why, Ethan? Why are you always so stubborn? You're not alone Eth, I want to help you!"

"Well you can't, Mark!"

They both sat there with frowns and pointed glares until Ethan sighed.

"Thanks for dinner," he said as he got up to leave.

"Eth, wait."

-

1050 words