Healing Hearts (bxb)

Chapter 32 - Give yourself over

The next few weeks went relatively normal. I mean they were shit, but normal shit I guess. Kenneth didn't get punished for losing it with Simon, surprisingly. But I was so relieved that he didn't have to go to the basement again. I couldn't have bared to see him in that much physical and mental pain again. I would have done something to stop it that time, because even though Kenneth was slowly getting used to the thought, that he may not be responsible for Danny's death, he still felt guilty for not helping him more and my words of love helped, but couldn't completely stop him from wanting to punish himself at times. 

It pained me to think that Kenneth, who really was good and did only want love and happiness in the world, wanted to feel pain and be tortured for something that was out of his control. Danny would have died even if he would have stayed and got beaten up with him. He would have died, even if Kenneth would have become a target himself. I think Danny knew that he couldn't survive our high school, but he took the time he had to spread joy and be himself and that is one of the bravest things one can do. 

I had to go to the basement again. It was absolute shit and when I came out of there, Kenneth held me and kissed me and told me it would be ok. He hated that he couldn't stop it, but we had agreed not to try and save the other, because to see the person you love get brutally punished for trying to protect you was worse than any torture they could inflict on us. And I mean, I could do it. I still felt like absolute shit while I had to wank off to pictures of guys that I guess were attractive, but it was just hard concentrating on anything but the one sided mirror, where on the other side strangers were watching me and doing I don't know what. 

I felt violated, every time and it had gotten so much harder to do it the second time, especially after James. But I kept thinking about my boyfriend and imagined it to be his hand or mouth or other stuff, just so I could fulfill the treatment and get out of there. I only had to do it two more times, until now, so that was good I guess. It shouldn't feel so utterly painful, I mean, I was just jerking off while getting watched, no biggy, right? But it was a big deal to me, because I never gave my consent. 

But after a while it got easier to live here. Because I had my friends and my Kenneth. Sure the sessions with Simon, even just in his office, sucked and the group sessions did too, but it was livable I guess. I at least managed to keep a happy face, because I truly was at peace, when I was with Kenneth, who seemed very happy to have me as well. One thing that sucked or well the lack of sucking was actually the problem, was that Kenneth and I couldn't really get intimate in any way shape or form. But we had bigger problems, so you pick your fight, you know. 

Right now, we were getting ready for dinner and just when I had buttoned up my shirt, I caught Wendy staring at me with a thoughtful gaze. "What? Do I have something on my face?" I asked, rubbing over my skin, but she just kept staring, as if to analyze me and I had no fucking clue what the hell was going on. Did she try to find me sexually attractive? Because I didn't see that happening any time soon, I mean, I was still amazed that Kenneth found me attractive so...a lesbian? Not happening.

"How badly do you and Kenneth want to be alone for once, in private?" she asked and I scoffed, folding my old shirt and putting it on the pile of laundry they did for us once a week, lucky us. 

"Are you kidding me? I literally live with blue balls now, you know? God, having a boyfriend and not being able to be with him whenever I please sucks. I just want to kiss him and- yeah ok, you can imagine the rest, but yeah, I will kill for a night with him. I mean blowing him in the showers two weeks ago was fun and all, but imagine you having an eye candy walking around in front of you all day telling you he wants you and not being able to do anything about it, ugh I just wanna rip his clothes off and pull him into one of the rooms and- wait I'm rambling in sexual frustration, sorry, you probably don't want to hear this. But wait, why are you asking?" I asked, after having folded my pants as well.