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Chapter 9: I've got your number

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The Daily Ramen, December 15

OUR DUMB WORLD - Things that are going on in other places that you couldn't care less about. Weekly international and political news column by Nara Shikamaru

As we count down to the New Year, I have been reflecting on things I learned in the past year. For example, the US government this year clarified for me that 'money' is in fact 'speech', at least when it comes to politics. I have decided to extend this philosophy to my personal life. So the next time I pay a hooker, I can tell the police officer that I am just giving her a compliment. And if I decide to not pay my water bill, I can simply state that I am just 'not talking to' my utility companies that month. I really like this idea, the more I think about it. We have to introduce similar legislation in Japan.

IN OTHER NEWS - If you think you didn't care about Nara's stuff, you REALLY won't care about this. Weekly local news column by Uzumaki Naruto

In a move to drive more international tourism, the city of Wakayama's tourism federation recently translated their site and marketing materials into English. In order to make the name of their organization more 'user friendly', they helpfully created an acronym based on the name of their organization The Wakayama Tourism Federation. You guessed it. They named themselves WTF. English-speaking visitors can download 'WTF sights to see', 'WTF suggestions on things to do', and my personal favorite: 'WTF things to eat' while visiting Wakayama. Um…. guys. Word of advice. Hire a native English speaker if you're gonna do this shit. The acronym WTF is already firmly taken. And it doesn't stand for Wayakama Tourism Federation.

I SAW WHAT YOU DID THERE - Seriously, people. If you don't know what you're doing sexually, can you please just keep it in your own bedrooms? Weekly column by Hyuuga Hinata

With the release of movie version of 50 Shades of Grey (and the numerous jokes about people planning to go with 'their phones set on vibrate') I have been hanging out a good bit at the theatre recently. I have to say that seeing people making out to an almost porno in public does have a different vibe than watching them do it during the horror movies that you usually associate with that sort of behavior. Both tend to have low bars in terms of plot, so you don't miss much if you are sucking face with your date. But if you're going to make out, please don't be sloppy. Sucking face isn't supposed to literally mean slurping loudly like you're drinking from a straw at each other's lips. I was conveniently sitting in the back row of the theater, enjoying the various sources of entertainment around me. Unfortunately, the couple next to me must have had some sort of salivary gland issues. The amount of slurping and smacking noises that was coming from their mouths (and I did check… hands were all above the waist, so there was no other possible source of the slurping noises) was just not normal. No matter how hot your partner is, constant drool like that is just not sexy. And even though the dialogue of the movie was pretty lame, I did at least want to hear some of it.

DUMBASS OF THE DAY - Because some people are just so dumb, they really do deserve an award for it. Weekly award by Inuzuka Kiba

I get that it's fun to take selfies and post them, especially if you can manage to embarrass some of your friends in the process. But you have to remember that once you post them they are public. Which means that people you don't necessarily want to see them might do so. One local twenty-year-old thought it was funny to snap a selfie of himself holding up his friend who was unconscious and drooling after taking an overdose of his mom's Vicodin. A half an hour later he dropped the ODing friend off at a hospital and drove away. But the police happened to find the Instagram. And now the dude's in jail. And our dumbass of the day. Way to go, bra.