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Chapter 5: Interested

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The Daily Ramen, October 24

OUR DUMB WORLD - Things that are going on in other places that you couldn't care less about. Weekly column by Nara Shikamaru

Another US congressman was embroiled in yet another a sex scandal this week involving e-mailed photos of his penis and sexting with a young intern. When asked to speculate about what could possibly motivate the successful, seemingly happily married politician to commit such an act, a world-renown behavioral psychologist explained. "I think he was hoping to get laid." Expounding on this revolutionary perspective, she explained. "My hypothesis is that he was hoping to get the attention, sexually, of a younger and generally hotter partner than what he would have been able to attract if he were employed as, say, a check-out clerk rather than a senator." When asked to confirm whether or not he was hoping to receive sexual favors in return for sending the photo of his crotch to the young intern, the senator merely glanced at his wife, who was smiling frigidly, and said he was not able to comment at this time.

IN OTHER NEWS - If you think you didn't care about Nara's stuff, you REALLY won't care about this. Weekly column by Uzumaki Naruto

Local college student finds heavy course load is cutting into his core gaming and jacking-off time. Vows to take fewer classes next semester, and to schedule them for when his roommate will be gone so he and his right hand can have some 'quality time' until he is able to score a girlfriend. Which, given his current gaming obsession, is not likely to happen any time soon.

In other news, the entire staff of the Daily Ramen might want to check their blood arsenic levels. In their foolish naiveté, they continued to mooch coffee every damn day off a certain friend who they decided to throw under the bus last week. Just so you all know, I HAVE CHANGED MY NUBMER AND MY EMAIL ADDRESS and Sai is no longer allowed to post anything without my written approval REGARDLESS of what that asshole partner of mine says.

I SAW WHAT YOU DID THERE - Seriously, people. If you don't know what you're doing sexually, can you please just keep it in your own bedrooms? Weekly column by Hyuuga Hinata

The 1950's are dead, people. Time to move on and spare the rest of us your nauseating displays of ownership over each other through your tacky matching sweaters. There is a couple that I keep seeing down at the park. They do the usual cute, innocent PDA things like holding hands while taking walks and feeding each other crackers on the park bench. I don't have too much of a problem with that (although, *yawn*, are they eighty or something?) but the matching sweater thing really bothers me. If you want to show possession, I think a D/s collar does that in a much more interesting way. Then, at least, the matching sweaters could be viewed as a kink, and move their rating up from a 1 to at least a 6.

DUMBASS OF THE DAY - Because some people are just so dumb, they really do deserve an award for it. Weekly award by Inuzuka Kiba

Asshole neighbors were shocked when area teens egged their home. Known for being the most annoying human beings ever to live on Putnam St, a middle aged couple found themselves the target of minor vandalism. When filling out the police report, they said they had no idea why anyone would have done this. Which was fucking hilarious to their neighbors, because these guys routinely call the cops whenever anyone on their block has a party (even children's birthday parties) to complain about the noise. They ask their elderly neighbor to shovel their sidewalk, because 'he is retired and should make himself useful to those who are still productive in society'. They also are known for leaving notes on their neighbors' doors if the trash cans are not put back into the garages within two hours of trash collection. They even filed a charge of child abuse to a local family who allowed their children to play with sparklers on the 4th of July. Anyone who didn't see some type of retribution coming is truly deserving of a Dumbass of the Day award. A local teen who preferred to remain anonymous said the couple should watch their tires next time they hand out fucking apples on Halloween.