Taming the Street Racer ✔️

48 | bright lights

The next night, when Violet and Peyton try to convince me to go to the fair, I don't resist. It's the fair's second-to-last night in town, and I know they've both been dying to go. Although fighting with Gray at the hospital only renewed my sense of despair, I feel a fighting urge to stop sulking over him.

I make the conscious choice to get over this shit. My life can't be weighed down by the memory of him forever. I just want my healing to begin, even if though the thought of moving on from him makes me want to break down.

Deep down, I search for the girl I used to be. More than ever, I need that girl's strength to help me move forward with my life.

Vi and Pey try to convince me that they're fine with just the three of us going, but I know they're just trying to keep me from being the fifth-wheel. If Gray and I were still together, I'd want him to be with me at the fair, so I push them to invite Sadie and Tommy. They ask me if I'm sure about a million times and I respond with the same resounding 'yes'.

The happiness on both of their faces as we pick up Tommy and Sadie only solidifies my confidence in my decision. The last thing I want is for them to sacrifice their own relationships and happiness just because mine are falling apart.

I keep a smile on my face as we approach the fairgrounds. Its tall structures and bright lights are visible from miles away and it only gets more overwhelming the closer we get. Tommy pays for all our tickets, against our protests, and we slide between sweaty, excited bodies to enter the fair.

The fair is all laughter, outrageously colorful lights, and sweet smells of funnel cake. The intoxicatingly happy atmosphere contrasts with the dark feelings swirling in my chest. I feel like I shouldn't be allowed here, contaminating the joy of everyone around me. A little girl runs past with cotton candy, and I think of Gracie.

Then I think of him, and I rub my face to scrub that image from my mind. Not tonight.

"Riv, you wanna get ice cream with me?" Violet asks, grabbing my hand with hers. I turn and see her smiling brightly at me, holding Tommy's hand with the other. They're babying me, no doubt about that, and I appreciate their efforts greatly.

"No, you two go ahead, though," I say to her. She gives me a small frown but eventually leaves to find the ice cream, Tommy in tow. I watch as they turn heads as they move through the crowd together, too caught up in each other to even notice.

Sadie links my arm with hers. "So does that mean you'll go with us on the roller coasters?" She asks hopefully. I'm about to shake my head, already thinking about how I shouldn't have come just to ruin their time.

But Pey nudges me. "You're not going to flake on us too, right? Come on, I won't let you mope around on a bench the whole night." Then she takes my hand and the three of us walk toward the jungle of rusty fair rides. I try to prepare myself to have fun.

Sadie chooses the first ride: one that spins you around and around while you're lying on your stomach. It's supposed to make you feel like you're a superhero flying through the air, but it just makes me feel nauseous. When they ask if I liked it, I give them an enthusiastic thumbs up. The elated smiles on their face are enough to keep me going.

The next few rides all feel the same, spinning me in endless circles while I listen to the carefree cheers of other riders. Pey or Sadie hold my hand on a few of them, squeezing my hand when it speeds up. Funny enough, those moments are the ones I enjoy the most, feeling them instinctively hold onto me in fear. I feel needed.

I'm about to call it quits after the Rave Wave, the fair ride created by Satan that moves you forward and backward, up and down in a circle. The flashing lights gave me a headache and I feel like I may be sick.