blood & gunk

therapy session #103

'Your self obsession could be stemming from past traumas - with Hadi the guy on that April midnight, or Rami the guy from school, or even Yahia the blonde guy you made up.'

'Traumas?'

'Yes, reality not meeting expectations or imagination, the clash between circumstances and desire, what we think of people and what they're actually thinking.'

'Reality is merely an illusion. Albert Einstein said that.'

'Albeit a very persistent one! He continues. You can't ignore reality.'

'I'm not ignoring reality - look at me! I'm quite accepting of everything that's going on, taking things as they come, expecting nothing. At least, trying to. I'm alright with reality. We're good.'

(tilting head to the side) 'I don't doubt that. But do you trust the integrity of what you're saying?'

(looking away) 'I don't know, sometimes? I wouldn't be here otherwise... what do you think?'

(inhaling deeply) 'I think there's a part of you trying to seek vengeance for all your past failed attempts to establish the human connection of your dreams, or anyone's dreams, with someone else from people you're infatuated with. You're finding it appalling that you're stuck in the very same tormenting cycle of dead-ends from all your nightmares, your memories, from your past. You're in denial of your own defeat and vulnerability. You're quite sensitive and very hostile about it.'

'So what am I doing now? you're saying I'm trying to re-create what happened with Jack cos I'm stuck there? I'm trying to make Jack happen? I'm not over Jack?'

'You could be right.'

'And how could I be wrong?'

'We both know you've made him into a character. You've created the image you wanted utilising elements of his personality and let him go. You've used him, you're done, you discarded him. That's people with things and what they need. It's natural.'

'You know I'm happy he got married. I was upset when I knew and that was two years ago, but I'm genuinely happy for him now. I could've never given him what his wife gives him - and she's a creative artist. She's not just a window into another world, she's a rocket fired towards other galaxies. She makes him happy. I'm happy she does. I'm happy for Jack. I really am. And I love bringing him up. I love thinking we had something going. I love toying with fantasies of us in my bed and my toilet and my kitchen but in our bed and our toilet and our kitchen in our house - stuff like that, you get it. I enjoy fantasising - there's a lot of room for that bullshit.'

'But do you realise what you're doing now with your deactivation?'

(a beat of silence)

'I've read your letters to Jack back when he used to go offline for days and you used to search for his name in the English obituaries thinking he killed himself or died because you knew he was depressed.'

'I'm trying to... be obsessed with? Like trying to make people obsess over me?' (sigh) 'The other guy.. I know he's not in love with me, I'm not Jack, that's for one. I'm not some elephant-of-the-room kind of person either. I'm... I see what you're saying.' (looking up) 'I see what you're saying.'

'What do you see?'

'I'm really fucked.'

(a beat of silence)

(abrupt manic, obviously alarming laughter)

(attempting to speak)

(interrupting) 'I'm deeply, irreversibly, endlessly fucked, and I can never be fixed.' (bursting unwillingly with sobs, tears, whimpers)