blood & gunk

she said wake up bro

'I don't think I've ever achieved anything.'

'You know that's not true.'

'the feeling is relentless and reality is grim. I haven't done shit. I've barely got myself off me parents' backs. they've still gotta handle my spluttering shit all the time. and drive me round, sometimes, if they feel like it, which is never.'

'you're overworking yourself - exhausting overthought ideas and killing yourself in the process. this isn't how things work, Hugh.'

(interrupting) 'no car, no house, no useful contribution to charity or to something that properly favours my existence. have I even changed phones in the past decade? bought new boots? new fucking jeans?'

'what the fuck are you expecting, Hugh? no one will reward you for any achievement you make! the universe doesn't care, it has no fixed agenda of expectations and objectives and whatever the fuck it is that you're obsessed with.'

'what the fuck does that have to do with getting a car?'

'what the fuck does getting a car have to do with your worth or purpose or value? wake the fuck up, Hugh. I walk to your place everyday, you've never bothered coming round. the car won't make you any more human than you could be, but your fucking ego can make you the filthy fleshy equivalent of a rotten toilet brush.'

(miserable sigh) 'you know, Andrea, sometimes I dream we quit all our fixed realities and went shifting with the endless possibilities of leaving everything behind, going somewhere where it's always bright and spring-like, where you could mix up perfumes and I would write a novel. Then we'd go for a swim. Have foreign food for brunch and dinner. Sleep early and wake up when we want. Run through fields. Have walks on the beach. Write our own ambient music.. But most importantly leave all of this behind.'

(a beat of silence) '...it's profound, human intuition. we hate all of this, dream of other bigger things, and as strangely as it is, we dream with an unfailingly strong belief that there will be heaven.'

'the car will keep me quiet until we get to our beautiful island.'

'I truly wish, but it wouldn't.'