Not Even Death

Lightyears to go Before I Sleep

Rain pounds against the roof of the Ghost, and strong winds beat against the sides. It's even darker than midnight should allow.

Jacen begins to cry again as another bolt of lightning ripples through the sky and fills the cockpit with white light. Thunder follows in the next heartbeat, and I know he's beyond consolation.

Then, of course, Chopper beeps loudly to inform me that there is an incoming transmission in the common room.

"Okay, okay," I grumble. "Just be quiet."

I hate to take the crying baby through the sleeping ship, but I do my best to console him. When I finally sit down to answer the transmission, I have to bribe Jacen's silence with a bottle of meiloorun juice. If someone really needs to talk at this hour, they'll just have to appreciate my super cute son.

I click a button and a hologram of a young man with long white hair appears.

"Hello, this is Hera Syndulla of the Ghost, who am I speaking with?"

"Captain Syndulla, I am Swen Toa, a pilot for the rebellion," my stomach drops, "and I have been given very specific instructions from Leia Organa to contact you in our deepest need. That day has come."

My eyes immediately fall to the boy in my lap who's half-emptied the bottle of juice in these few minutes. Just a few years ago, I was excited by the idea of getting back to the stand against the Empire. I would have left the moment Jacen was old enough.

"Do you understand what you're asking?" I whisper.

Swen Toa's expression softens as he follows my gaze to the little boy who's probably barely visible in the viewer.

"Yes, Captain, I do," he speaks confidently. "I am all my sister has left in this universe, and I would do anything to give her a galaxy of peace and freedom. The stories they tell about you and the Pheonix Squadron give me the idea that you would do the same."

A heartbeat. That's how long it takes me to answer, "Okay, I just need to talk with my partner."

"Good, Clone Trooper Rex will be joining you within the half-hour with more information. See you soon, Captain Syndulla."

The transmission phases out, and the room goes dark. Then, Jacen finishes off the last of his juice, and I have no more quick-silencing tricks. Not that it matters anymore.

"Come on, love," I throw Jacen onto my hip. "We have to go see Papa." Now, my voice shakes, "I have to say bye-bye."

Our bedroom is dimly lit with the light of a small table lamp when I enter, and Kanan stands perfectly still in the center. He's waiting for me.

"Kanan..." but I can't find the words.

The love of my life and light of my world just holds up his hand. "I know," is all he says.

There is so much that we could say in this moment, but haven't we said it all? Why waste these fleeting minutes repeating what we already know?

Another clap of thunder reminds us that the storm is still raging outside. Jacen's fear takes hold, and he begins to whimper.

"Shh, you remember what Mama told you about storms," I kiss his green hair. "Remember it's just nature crying for all those who passed on."

Kanan's arms wrap around and hold us tightly together. "It's so those in the cosmic force can know they aren't forgotten," he finishes the family lore we tell Jacen when he's scared.

My heart lurches as I hold my son a little closer. "Mama loves you very much, but she has to go bye-bye now."

"Bye-bye Mama..." the toddler babbles in response.

"That's right, kid," soft lips press into my forehead. "Mama's going to be back before we know it."

I bat away the wet rings from my eyes, and my eyelashes turn thick and heavy with tears. "That's right. I'll be back before you can say Chopper," which currently sounds like 'hotter' every time he tries.

We stay like this, wrapped up as one person, while the wind and rain howl on. I'm so tempted at this moment to call Rex and tell him to leave without me, to forget the other planets struggling against the Empire and just be a loving partner and mother, but I pull out of Kanan's arms and leave a crying Jacen in my place.

"I trust you," Kanan says as I turn to go.

"I know," I reply.

My footsteps echo against the silent ship corridors. As I walk past Sabine's room, my fingers brush the cool metal of the door. I want to wake up Ezra and Sabine, but that will only give me more opportunities to stay. I force myself to walk on.

"We have to go, now," Rex says solemnly. "There are promises to keep."

"And a galaxy to free," I answer.

We board the Phantom II, and I position myself behind the controls. The rain is pouring harder as I fire up the engines and prepare for take-off. My hand hovers over the thrusters' controls.

I'm leaving everything I've ever loved. I'm leaving every reason I have to exist. I'm leaving Chopper, and Zeb, and Sabine, and Ezra, and Jacen, and Kanan...

And I might not come back.

Rex notices my hesitation and places a reassuring hand on my shoulder. "We will keep our promises," he whispers, and briefly, I wonder if Kanan was right all along about Rex and Ahsoka.

But that's a question for another time.

"Okay, then let's go kick some bucketheads," I agree as I push the thrusters into gear. We shoot through the night sky until sensors read the all-clear. "Next stop, Rebel Base," I breathe as I input the navigational data and we enter the dizzying lights of hyperspace.

Ten points to the Howarts House of anyone who guesses what poem influenced this chapter! I know you weren't wondering, but it was the first poem I ever learned.

Also: the end is near. Thanks for hanging in there!