Breathe (student/teacher)

Chapter 4

Ben left and I immediately ran to bathroom, leaning over the toilet. I forced myself to trow up everything I had consumed that evening, despite the fact that it had been so little. This wasn't something I was proud of, but I was convinced that nothing could be done to change my eating habits.

Whenever I ate, I looked in the mirror and saw myself as being fat, despite knowing that I wasn't. I had to choose between health and confidence, and stupidly I chose confidence.

I cried as forced the last bit of food out of my stomach. I hated the fact that I felt the need to do this to myself. But my brain was filled with twisted logic. As far as I knew, there was nothing I could do other than tell someone, and no way was that happening any time soon.

A knock on my door forced me to stop wallowing in self pity. I picked up a piece of mint gum to cover the vile scent of my breath before moving toward the door. It was probably Ben. He always forgot something in my dorm room and he always came back to get it, despite how risky it was. Under no circumstances were boys allowed in the girls dormitories, and vice versa. Ben and I always managed to find a way around it though.

I opened the door and was surprised to find an unexpected figure waiting in the hallway.

"You left your sweater in the classroom," he said quietly. I looked at my watch. No wonder he was whispering - it was nearly twelve and curfew was ten.

I took the black sweater from his grasp. "Thank you," I whispered.

"May I...?" He gestured to come inside, and I stepped aside despite my better judgement. I shut the door quietly and turned to him, speaking in a normal volume now.

"I really don't know how appropriate it is that you're in here but-"

He cut me off. "I really don't know how appropriate it was to have Benjamin in your room either, but you seem willing to break the rules for him, don't you?" He seemed almost...jealous. But no. That was impossible. He was my teacher and I had known him for only fifteen hours.

"What..." I tried to form a coherent sentence. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"I could report it to the head of directories, Alex." He called me Alex. I knew this was serious. "That rule is one of the most rigid and enforced of them all."

I shrugged. "I really don't see why. What, do they just want us all to remain virgins until graduation?" I said it more to myself than him, but he heard anyway.

"Virgins..." He repeated, his face contorting and turning red with anger. "What, were you having sex with him or something? I figured it was more innocent than that, but..." His voice was deep and possessed a certain edge to it as he spoke.

I crinkled my nose. "Not that my sex life," or lack, thereof, "really concerns you, but no I was not having sex with Ben. He's my friend, that's..." I shuddered at the thought. "That's gross. I was only kidding. God, don't take everything so literally."

I could almost see him sigh in relief. "Then what were you doing?"

I shrugged. "Watching a movie. Why are you so interested?"

He ran a hand through his hair. "Just...I don't want you to get into trouble. Just be careful, and don't do it again." He eyed me suspiciously and turned toward the door.

"Wait," I said, grabbing his wrist. He stopped and looked at me, hand still firmly gripping the door knob. "If it's so 'inappropriate' for Ben to be in my room, isn't it even more so for you to be?" I inquired.

He sighed, looking deeply into my eyes. "Yes, but I have my reasons, understandable reasons at that, for being in here - reasons anyone could easily comprehend." He paused. For a moment I though he was going to elaborate on the subject, name a reason of which I was not yet aware, but he quickly dropped it. "Just don't invite him in here again, understood?" I nodded quickly. "I don't want you getting into any trouble."

And with that, he quit my room, leaving the door slightly ajar. I walked over and stood leaning against the door frame, watching him walk down the hall. He stopped for a moment at the top of the stairs and looked over his shoulder. For a moment, his eyes locked with mine. And then, he was gone.

He had said he didn't want me getting into trouble, and yet with only a day of knowing him I could tell that was exactly where I was headed.

...

The rest of the week passed by smoothly, and before I knew it it was Monday of the second week of my senior year. I dressed quickly in my uniform and rushed down the steps, not wishing to be late as I was the first day of the week prior.

I ran into Ben, who was presumably on his way to my room as the boys dormitories were on the floor below the girls, who caught my arm as I flew by, bringing me to a sudden halt.

"Whoa whoa whoa," he said, waiting for me to regain my breath. "What's the rush?"

"I don't want to be late to class again," I explained rashly, resting my hands on my knees. "Mr. Traynor was lenient on the whole tardy concept the first week of school, you know, after I got a detention he finally saw the light, but now it's the second week. Who knows what he's going to be like."

"I thought you said detention wasn't so bad?" He said fairly.

"It was actually rather pleasant, but that doesn't mean I want to go again. I was up late doing homework last night, and I don't want to make a habit of it," I pointed out. And besides, I knew if I got another detention that would mean Ben would bring more popcorn and chocolate to my room and we would watch another movie. I could do without the former, but he would question if I didn't eat. Problems were ensued if that became regular.

Contrary to what you may believe, I didn't like what I did to myself. I didn't enjoy obsessing over my weight, I didn't enjoy picking out my flaws as I stared in the mirror for what felt like ages, and I certainly didn't enjoy forcing nearly everything I ate out of my system. I just didn't know what else to do.

I didn't know when it all began - but it was probably somewhere around the ninth grade. All my life I had been a Polish girl, and for those of you who don't know what that means, I'll explain. I had a little bit of girth on me. It was a healthy amount, and it didn't mean I was fat. It just didn't mean I was stick skinny either. I had always been confident being the little chubby girl with the curly blond hair, but everything changed after ninth grade.

At the time I had still gone to public school. I was dating a boy named Jonathan. Of course he was the most popular guy in school, but with dating the main jock came jealously from other girls, namely one called Katherine "Kat" Gail. Usually she just picked on me. It was always the little things - maybe she thought my hair was too curly or my clothes were too tight. Things that weren't true or didn't matter to anyone else. I never let it get to me, not until one day in May right before the school year ended.

I don't remember how it happened, but I found myself crying in my room. Kat had called me fat, and though it would have never bothered me before, Jonathan had agreed with her. And that was all after I found them kissing in the girls bathroom. My mother found me and vowed to send me to another school, one where I would eventually meet Ben, and I had vowed to never be called fat again. Of course I knew I couldn't control what people thought of me, but I could control what I thought of myself and the image I saw in the mirror.

That was the sad truth of it all.

A voice echoing in the distance pulled me back into the harsh truth of reality.

"Alex...Alex..." It was Ben's voice, I realized as I saw his fingers snapping in front of my eyes. I looked up at him. "Alex, you slipped away. Is everything alright?"

I nodded and held my arm timidly. "Of course," I lied through my teeth. "I'm fine."

He didn't think anything of it.

I thought back to Jonathan. The one thing he had on every other guy was that he knew the true meaning of "I'm fine", he knew that it was a girls biggest lie.

I shook my head. I wouldn't find a guy who knew me like Jonathan did. And even if I did who's to say he wouldn't break my heart? Who's to say I wouldn't catch him cheating on me? It had happened before, and I was convinced it could happen again. I was used to hearing lies, and I was used to getting my heart broken. But a small part of me hoped that I could find someone one day who could really love me, no matter how messed up I was.

Hope. That's the most dangerous emotion in existence.