Life With an Eating Disorder

Recovery

Even when I got to 90lbs, Ana never shut up. More, she whispered, you can't give up now. I got so bad, I ended up in an RTF (residential treatment facility) to get help. I went in at 79.3 lbs. I could barely walk, I couldnt even stand up without nearly passing out. I realize now that I was dying. In the beginning, it was hard. A staff had to push me in a wheelchair; I was fed through a tube; I got in quite a few restraints because I tried to rip out my feeding tube. Every time they brought out the tube, I was thrown into a panic attack, sometimes so bad I entirely blacked out and was told I got so violent they had to lock me in the "quiet room" as they called it, until I had calmed down and regained my senses. I wasnt doing well mentally or physically. Even though my body was recovering, my mind was not. Every time I saw the numbers on the scale rise in the first 5 months there, I broke down sobbing uncontrollably. Instead of the warm, soothing voice I used to get, all Ana did was scream. Scream at me for gaining, scream at me for letting them shove that damn tube down my throat, hell sometimes she would just scream. It was a nightmare. Close to my 6th month there, I had hit 127 lbs. When I saw that number, I didn't cry. I didnt feel anything, actually. That night, while i was laying in bed, I heard the warm, soothing Ana again for the first time in a long time, though her words were both  a victory and a loss for me. Fine, she whispered, barely audible. Continue letting them make you fat. I'm done with you, you're a lost cause at this point. Whenever you decide you want to get and STAY thin and beautiful, I'll come back. But until then, farewell, Rose. I woke up feeling better than I had in years. I actually felt hopeful, I felt that I'd be able to be happy with my body again. When I met with my therapist, I told her about this, and she was overjoyed. I was finally able to eat at least 2 meals a day without feeling any anxiety or self hatred! My last two months there were the best months of the entire experience. I was able to work through some of my other issues, which lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders. On June 15th, 2019, I was discharged. I thought everything would stay like this. I thought I'd stay content with my body, I thought I'd stay happy. Sadly, that wasn't the case at all...