Caught and Released

Chapter 12: December 2, 2013

I lean over the toilet, disgusted with myself. I've been retching for the past four hours. It is now two in the morning and I can't go to sleep. My tummy hurts and my body is trembling. Sweat from earlier still clings to my skin.

      The worst part is that I haven't had my period in over two months. That's usually not an abnormal thing for me. My periods have never been normal. But I have never felt this sick in my life. My mom thought there was something wrong with me because I was "healthy as a horse".

      Cara is rubbing my back and trying to calm me down. She came in here the moment she heard me throwing up and has been here ever since, getting towels and glasses of water and tums. I couldn't have asked for a better sister-in-law to take care of me in times like these.

      Times like these? Like what?

      "Okay, so maybe it's plausible," Cara starts again. I lay my head against the cool bathroom floor. Whoever lived here before us were sanitary freaks; the floor is spotless and smells like Lysol. That or they were forced to clean it before they moved. My eyes close involuntarily. I wish I could keep them open for a second, but I feel like I'm having a bad dream. First, I've been throwing up for hours. Second, Cara seems to think-

      "I can't be pregnant." I shake.

      "Well," Cara purses her lips. "I'm not saying that it's Parker's. I'm not suggesting that either."

      I cringe, "I wasn't thinking that at all. We both know Parker and I haven't even... kissed yet. It's just.. If I come to think it, it's probably true. You're probably right. I'm probably.... Pregnant." I shudder when I admit it. I can't think about having a baby right now; I was absurd to even bring it up when I was married to Caleb. I have to focus on me right now. Not a kid.

      But when I think about all those times I've told Caleb I wanted a baby, I never meant alone. Neither of us anticipated this. Obviously. Cara is right though. It is plausible. It's been a little over two months since the.... accident. If I can count that high on my nimble fingers, the possibility of me being pregnant is very likely.

      "We won't know unless we find out for certain." Cara says, still rubbing my back. With my eyes still closed I mutter, "Fine, go buy me the best pregnancy test out there."

      "Why don't I wait to see if you'll be-" I interrupt her, "I'll be fine, just go. I don't want to wait."

      She gets up and tells me she'll be right back, that the market is just around the corner and leaves me another glass of water before heading out the door. I need to be able to actually take the pregnancy test, she tells me. I grumble as the door closes behind her and reach my arm up to the counter and bring the glass down to the same level as me. 

      I bring the cool glass to my lips and take a sip. The cold water trickles down my throat. I almost gag, choking back more bile. I'm so tired of throwing up, so I try to concentrate on keeping my eyes closed.

      It feels like forever until Cara finally trumps through the front door, dropping her keys and jacket to the ground. She opens the bathroom door and I crack my eyes open, enjoying the cool breeze she brings in with her. She smells like winter and pumpkin pie.

      "Here," she crouches down to put her arm under mine and pulls me up. "I bought two just in case. You never know." I lean against her for full support. She had placed the two tests on the counter and I eye them with distaste. I don't want to be pregnant anymore. It would almost be a sin. I grab the first box slowly and stare at the back.

      Cara backs away, "I'll just leave you alone to do your...business," and closes the door behind her. I release a sigh of angst and open the box to reveal the white stick of hell. Suddenly I have to pee; I hate it.

      A few minutes later Cara knocks on the door, "Everything all right in there?" I wouldn't know, I'm on the floor lying in a heap of tears and depression. She doesn't wait for an answer before barging in on me. She takes one look at me and knows.

      I'm pregnant.

****************

"You're sixteen weeks pregnant. You're pretty lucky to have not felt any symptoms until this week. Morning sickness sucks, doesn't it?" Doctor Louiskeppa says. She's a young for a doctor, probably early thirties. Her light blond hair is pulled back into a high ponytail and small freckles line her cheekbones perfectly.

      I nod, "Yeah, considering I hardly get sick." 

      Doctor Louiskeppa moves the little cold device around on my tummy; the gel she put on it feels too cold and too abnormal but I suck it up anyway. 

      Cara is squeezing my hand. She made this appointment a few minutes after she got me to stop crying on the bathroom floor. Through puffy eyes and hyperventilating I agreed to come see the doctor for confirmation. 

      My little peanut of a baby shows on the ultrasound. I am sixteen weeks pregnant and I didn't even know it. So that show "I didn't know I was pregnant" really is true. Most people start to show at thirteen weeks, especially skinny people, and I didn't notice at all.

      "Do you want to know if it's a boy or a girl?" Louiskeppa asks. I sigh, "Can you even tell right now?" 

      She laughs, "Yes." Cara and I give each other a look; I know that she wants me to say yes. But I don't really want to know. I shake my head, "Nah. I'll have it be a surprise."

      Louiskeppa nods her head and smiles, taking the cold device off my belly and wiping off the goop with a Kleenex, "Alright. Well, let's start planning the next few months out, shall we? Let's get everything situated so you're not worried about anything. First, you'll need some prenatal vitamins. Oh! And here's a few of our pamphlet's for preparation classes and what to eat. It's all very educational..."

A tear comes to my eye. I wish Caleb was here to see this. This is his baby after all. This was the life that we were supposed to have together. This situation never occurred to me. Why did he have to die before me?

      Why did he have to die at all?

******************

"Cara, what am I supposed to tell Parker? We're going out again next week. Thanks to you and your whole 'hang out at the mall day'."

      We're in the car on the way home from the appointment. The weather is sunny, despite the subtle chill in the air that says it's December. She raises her hands so they're still on the wheel but that they're high enough to say don't blame me, "You're the one that agreed to another date. Besides, lucky for you you're not showing yet. So you have plenty of time to tell him."

      "That's the thing! I don't want to tell him! He'll run away or something. Who wants to date someone who's pregnant with someone else's child? This is like high school. And to think I could actually have a chance at being happy again. To think."  I rant to Care.

      She shakes her head, keeping her eyes on the road. "You can either tell him, or not. All I know is that you make him happy, too. He's in the same boat as you. I doubt this baby will ruin anything. You're an adult, your husband is dead. He's an adult, his wife is dead. Babies make everything better when you're not sixteen and pregnant."

      "What a stupid thing to say-"

      "I didn't mean that babies make everything better.... They're just cute and cuddly. You know? I'm not trying to say.... well.... What you thought I was implicating."

      I sigh and look out the window. The road goes by in a blur. What would I do if Caleb were here? I would be happier about this baby that's for sure. But then again, maybe not. We always fought about getting pregnant. My hands shake a little, and I look down. I had almost forgotten that I was still holding the snapshot of my little peanut Dr. Louiskeppa had given me before we left.

      The little outline of mine and Caleb's baby stares back at me. I have no idea what I'm going to do. No idea.