Coffee Blues

01 || midnight iced coffee

01 || Midnight iced coffee

"Lauren, baby, I won't be home until late.  I left some money at the counter so just get it if you're hungry. All right?"

Biting my lip, I gripped the house phone so firmly that I was sure my knuckles were turning white. "Okay."

"Take care, 'kay? Call me if something happens. Don't forget to eat something." Even as she said the words, I could hear some shifting and movements. I always knew everything she's saying is just pre-recorded words. She’s only saying them because she's supposed or rather obligated to say them. But I knew deep down, they weren't anything more than that. Those were just shallow words. They will only be words that should be spoken, not really meant.

"Well, uhh. I have to go." Some talking and laughing rose in the background and just like that she hung up on me before I could even say goodbye. I sigh. I tried to cheer myself and not letting this one put me in a bad mood, but as I looked at the whole entire house I  couldn't help but feel my eyes water. This is not a home anymore. My muscles feel paralyzed--or maybe it's just my mind not ready to be contained to a house that feels like it has the bare skeleton of a family inside. They used to be my guardian angel, I don't know what went wrong. Or maybe I do, I just don't want to accept it. I just want to run away and go back to the four corners of the café, like I always do. Nothing but a coward. That’s what I’m good at anyway, just running away from the problems. It made things easier for me.

The heater has been turned off for the night already and the fog of my breath contrasts against the black, and the cold bites into my cheeks, but I don’t mind. The cold drives out all the thoughts in my head and turns into a clean state of placidity. My feelings are like the rage of streams and running stallions through the horizon, they’re beyond my control. So I stay. It’s nice every once and a while to let your feelings overtake you, to get away from yourself and the rest of the world. Even the silence is appreciated, only interrupted by the occasional sound from a kettle.

I reached on top of the cupboard to get some hot coffee. The heater in this house wasn’t enough to keep the winter bliss warm. I felt my hands touch an aluminum canister. Once I saw what it was, my face made some satisfied expression albeit confused; it was a pack of espresso from the café. It wasn’t my mom, that’s for sure. Definitely wasn’t me either. Not that I’m complaining.

I took seat on one of the chairs that were surrounding the brown wooden table with the cup in hand. I was sleepy, stressed and freezing. Lack of sleep has finally takes its toll on me. And I remember Gavin and thought of my recent epiphanies. Last night, he seems a little bit off despite of the smirks and the constant teasing he’s usually doing. He had this personality where he could be tough, masculime and all that jazz and at the next second he's all like a puzzle piece that need to be resolved.

I took a sip and winced as it burned my tongue, hastily setting the cup down. I rubbed my eyes, making mental note to shut my blinds at night so that the morning sun would quit waking me up. My life was as mundane as you could imagine, everything around me was the usual, a routine I had created for myself and one which I followed supposedly because when I had time on my hands I would think about things that rather not to be thought about. I stood up and sleepily went to my phone and speakers. I’ve decided to hear some Mayday Parade today.  

Whenever I’ve decided to kill some time, music and books are always there to keep my sanity intact and with that I forever indebted with these little things. Music is drugs. It empowers and intoxicates a form of courage for some. It can make you just as emotional as a bottle of gin or alter a state of mind so drastically it can’t be considered anything but music is not a necessity, but some people would rather die than live without it. While books, it kept me from having to think so much, the characters kept me company. I guess that's why I'm so intellectually developed. And freaking socially retarded.