UNWANTED

CHAPTER 13 - P16.11 - LIZAVETA

The date indicator on my watch said the 16th. I bombed the Mongolians... the farmers exactly three years ago. Today was Reed's death anniversary and Aki was being forced to love the person who killed her. No wonder he broke.

I wanted to throw up everything I ate. I wanted to jump off the balcony. I wanted to die the way they died, the way I deserved to die.

Why was I crying?

In a world full of lies and secrets, I never thought I... the person who ruled over it all now... would be the one who knew the least. What was a crown and a throne and an empire if even with all those possessions, I still couldn't buy time? Buy the past and change it? Erase guilt, ignorance, regret?

I meant nothing. I, the empress of Eurasia, was and am still a pawn; powerless, a slave of secrets. How could I change the empire if I was an instrument of its madness?

Aki and I parted ways with a "Semper invicta." and I swore to him again of my homage to Reed and her family. How lucky was he to be three years ahead of moving on, while here I was, on day one of suffering?

He seemed lighter, I felt heavier.

But I promised myself never to forget the weight of seven thousand lives. The regret... it was something I deserved to feel. It was something I was not meant to forget.

Despite the sirens in my head trying to comfort me by calling him a liar, I knew what he said was truth.

Now the worst thing was not knowing... what if each person I've killed was innocent? All this time believing I was a warrior of Eurasia, what if I was her reaper?

I cursed myself. When I got into the runner, I asked that the driver go on the roads instead of the sky. I didn't want to see the East Garden from above anymore. I didn't want to remember Reed in the fields... so similar to the fields she died in. The fields I killed her in.

I was a murderer.

Not of the king, but of my people.

What empress does that?

Ilyaas would say I was following orders, that it was not my fault. But had I known better... a girl would still be alive, she would have been successful, she would have been able to support her family, maybe she would have been the girl on that balcony with the prince looking down at the garden she studied at school... in love and happy.

If only I knew then what I know now.

I fumbled around my dress pocket, reaching for my comm to call Ilyaas. I needed someone. I couldn't be alone. I didn't know the danger I posed to myself. The call went through, and I heard his comm ring, but he didn't pick up.

I tried again but still no answer. It wasn't like him.

The driver noticed my discomfort, but instead of talking to me, she closed the divider. "Take the long way back." I told her. I needed to be in something moving, I couldn't go into my room like this. I couldn't go in alone with my own thoughts... my thoughts would destroy me.

I found myself lying on the leather seat, looking up at the one-way mirror making up the roof of the runner. The city looked so beautiful, the lights were bright, and I couldn't make out a single star.

The driver probably closed the divider to muffle the sounds of my screaming cries. My throat was already raw and lying down the way I did made me feel like I couldn't breathe. Tears flooded my eyes, my nose, some even found themselves in my ear.

Salted cheeks and stinging soul.

I was a mess.

I messaged Uncle Hassan to maybe cancel my meetings tomorrow. I wanted to fly. But knowing my current state, I should have probably been around people. So, I deleted it. I could barely see the words I was typing down... even the software couldn't make out the words once I gave up trying to type them and started speaking them instead.