His Heart's Desire

16

Alice

"Hey Tracy, hey Alice." Nelson waves to us.

I watch Gens back get straighter.

"Hi Gen," he says curtly, staring at Gen a few extra seconds than normal. He breaks eye contact with her and nods to seat next to me.

"Do you mind if I sit?" He asks shyly and I nod. "Of course Nelson."

He pulls the chair back and sits down his eyes never leaving Gen and I watch as my friend's face slowly turns red and she pushes her thick-framed glasses up her nose.

I look at Tracy hoping she can read my mind and luckily she does. "Guys that Halloween party was so crazy last week. Ok, so I was talking to Dylan Winchester, and he..." Tracy luckily starts to ramble about some story luckily taking tension away. We all listen and after a few seconds into her story I feel Nelson lean close to me.

"Thanks for helping me with Gen yesterday. You did something for me I couldn't do for myself in years." He says truly and I smile but my heart breaks for him knowing Gen only sees him as a friend. Just as the thought pops into my head I hear Gen.

"Yeah, we're cool, right? Still friends?" Gen lisps nervously looking at Nelson.

I watch sadly as Nelson's face falls. I look under the table and his knee starts to bounce. I know that bounce all too well. That's the infamous anxiety bounce.

"Hah... yeah friends." He says confidently but I can hear the hurt in his voice. He coughs and stands up.

"I need to go I'll see you guys later?" He smiles kindly and we all wave.

It's quiet for a few seconds and Gen sighs. "I'm going to hell aren't I." She mumbles and her head slams onto the table loudly. It looked painful.

"Can't go where you already are," Tracy mumbles eating a crouton off her salad and I give her a serious look.

"I'm so mean!" Gen groans annoyed with herself.

"You're not mean Gen. You just have trouble with a boy and that's normal you hormonal redhead," Tracy says patting her back.

"As bad as that sounds Gen, Tracy's right- maybe not the hormonal part but Nelson is a new topic to a normal routine and so are his and your feelings. It's okay to see him as a friend even if he doesn't back. You can't force yourself to like him." I tell her honestly.

"You're right I just... ever since... I can't..." she mumbles and her face slowly turns red again and I'm quick to hand her a water bottle.

"Don't worry we'll fix this in time. Until then, be his friend not his lover." Tracy says earning a glare from Gen.

~~

About a week has passed and everything has stayed the same. But that has only caused more anxiousness. I was used to something going good for a short period of time before things just go haywire and suddenly it's bad again. And knowing things will get bad soon is the worst feeling especially when you know it's inevitable.

I've had restless nights but besides that, I'm better than I was months ago. Most of my hair has grown back too. I lost a lot from the stress about a year ago.

"Okay, Alice I got your meds, I also got dinner, but most importantly I got the popcorn for our movie night!" Jessie says happily but I barely pay attention.

"My medication is here? My sleeping pills?" I ask surprised.

"Yes, honey! Aren't you like kind of excited... you know to see if they work!" Jessie says and I force a smile and lie. "Yeah, I'm excited."

She smiles fluffing my hair before turning away to put some groceries away.

I look down at the orange prescription bottle and the pills that lay inside. I was nervous to take these because these were for sure going to knock me out at night but some side effects were night terrors, slow breathing, and slow or increased heart rate. As well as suicidal thoughts, itchiness, and headaches if taken wrong. But everything was approved by my doctors so I needed to trust them. And that was hard for me. Trust.

I feel a shove on my shoulder and look up to see Brodie.

Jessie turns away from the cabinets when she hears Brodie. "Ah, honey are you staying for the movie tonight? I know you had plans but Ally and I would love it if you stayed to watch." No, I wouldn't.

He looks down at me and can clearly see my apprehensiveness.

"I'd love too. Mom, can my friends watch too? I was going to hang out with them anyways and it's too late to cancel." He asks walking to the sink to start putting dishes in the dishwasher.

"Yes, Brodie. And thank you for doing the dishes." Jessie says before walking upstairs.

"What friends are coming over?" I ask Brodie and immediately regret it. I know better than to speak. And I hated myself for hoping Nick would be here.

"The usual. But you can't talk to them okay? And you'd be better off just telling Jessie you don't feel good and going to bed early. No one wants you there anyway." He says annoyed.

I say nothing and it's quiet.

I decide to shoot my last shot at conversation.

"Need help?" I say quietly referring to Brodie doing the dishes.

"No." Is all he says and I take that as my cue to leave. I run up the stairs to my room.

~~

A/N: sorry for the short chapter :(
But good news! Next one will be back to its usual length! (That's what she said)
-Lauren