Life After The Villa

25. Happy

"I have a confession to make, and it's going to make me sound so horrible and selfish and-" I start, but I get interrupted by James talking over me.

"You could never be horrible or selfish, my love." He tells me with a soft smile forming on his lips. "It's not in your nature." 

I smile at his words, not because he said that it's not in my nature to be horrible, but because he called me his love. I guess it really is just the little things in life that can make you so unbelievably happy. "Well I'm going to say it anyway." I tell him, not being able to keep myself from smiling. "I don't want to go home. I want to stay here forever."

He laughs as he responds, as if I'm being silly and ridiculous. "It's our honeymoon, Vee, you're supposed to feel like that."

"No, I'm not." I argue, completely serious, worried about whether I'm a terrible person. "I'm supposed to be wanting to be with our son and our daughter but I'm not. I'm happy because I don't have to wake up to his screams every forty minutes, and because I don't have to sit and pretend to be interested in Sofia's tea parties. I'm supposed to be over the moon for Asher and Taylor but in reality I'm here, thanking the heavens that I don't have to sit through another afternoon of Asher turning into a bridezilla. I'm a terrible friend and I'm an even worse mother."

And when these words exit my mouth, it's silent, and I know that I've just ruined the last day of our honeymoon. I should have just kept quiet and enjoyed this day whilst we still have it. Why didn't I just keep my mouth shut? But I guess that's what happens when you're in love, you tell the other person everything, good or bad. But the silence is eventually broken when James figures out what it is he wants to say. "Violetta, I'm going to be honest with you, okay?"

I nod my head slowly, knowing he won't want me to interrupt whatever monologue he's about to come out with. "Okay."

"You had Sofia when you were eighteen, so you never got that chance to go out and live your life how you wanted to live it. And I know you love Sofia more than anything in the world and you wouldn't trade her for anything, but I also know that part of you wonders what your life might be like if you never got pregnant in the first place." And as he speaks, I realise just how well he knows me, because even though I've never said those words aloud before, they've played on repeat in my mind time after time. "And even before that you were having to look after your mum, there's always been someone that you had to put before yourself, and this is the first time you've been able to be free, in some way. And you shouldn't ever feel guilty about that. You missed out on something that you deserve, and now you're getting it."

"But what happens when we go back home?" I ask, on the verge of tears, unable to keep myself from interrupting him any longer. "All that responsibility will come back, I'm only twenty six, James, and I haven't had any time to myself." And for the first time ever, I've embraced the fact that I've been living my life for other people, rather than for myself. And a big part of me just wants to be able to do what I want to do without having to think about being a rolemodel, or how my actions will impact my mum, or my children. And I know it's selfish but it's true, it's how I feel and I can't deny that any longer. 

"Right, I'll make a promise to you." He starts, placing his hand on my chin and raising it slightly so I'll look him in the eyes. "Once a month we'll go on a long weekend away together, just the two of us, no children, no nothing. And you'll be free from any obligation you think you have to live a life of responsibility.  Your mental health is more important than anything, Vee, and I think if you carry on like you have been, it might get ruined."

"I think you're right." I agree, the words barely coming out as a whisper, but I know he heard me. 

"Come here." He says, encasing me in a hug with his big, tree trunk arms. "I just want you to be happy."

"I am." I smile into his shoulder. "Ever since I found you, I've been nothing but happy. Even in my worst moments, even when I wanted to never lay eyes on you again, somehow you've had this kind of power over me. I love you, James. More than you could ever know."

He pulls away from our hug to look me in the eyes, but keeps his arms wrapped around my body. "I love you too, Violetta." He says before kissing me softly, almost like he doesn't want to apply too much pressure in case I break.

But I don't care if I break, I just want him. All of him. That why I pull away from his kiss, smile slightly, then push him onto our hotel bed before jumping on top of him. "One more night of pure recklessness before going home." I tell him, and our lips come colliding together once more, but this time I'm engulfed in it. Every fibre of my being wants to be overcome by him, and only him. 

I remember just before I entered the villa all that time ago, I thought to myself that it will provide a bit of a distraction from the real world, and maybe as a bonus I'll find a boyfriend that I can be happy with for a few months until the real world intervenes. But never in my wildest dreams did I think that I'd find a man who is both part of my life, but also my distraction from life. My best friend, and my soulmate. I never thought soulmates existed but, if they do, I'm positive that they'd make you feel a hell of a lot like James makes me feel. Like nothing else matters but him.