One Word | H.S.

Chapter Ten

Games.

~

Silence is the only noise that fills the room as Auggie and I sit across from each other, our gazes occasionally meeting as I pick at my fingers, my brother fiddling with the hem of his shirt.

Last night made me experience emotions I never want to feel again. Granted, it had been ages since I had felt such fervent feeling, my addiction filling the place instead. The only time I intensely felt was the build-up to my panic attacks.

The during of my panic attacks were always a blur. It was quite similar to drinking.

You take shot after shot, the tingly feeling in your fingers becoming more prominent as your body turns hot. The events that lead up to your drunken state are prominent as the night goes on. The only memory you have is told by the people that accompanied you.

To be honest, I don't know how long I was stood in front of that bathroom mirror at the dive bar before composing myself

Alcohol made me feel nothing while my panic attacks made me feel too much. There was never an in-between; I haven't really found that happy medium.

Last night was the first time I remembered feeling anything of that severity.

It feels wrong to say that it felt good, actually knowing what it's like to be a normal human being for once. I just wish it didn't involve Auggie.

"So," I croak out, my brother's eyes focused on his t-shirt as he takes his lip in between his teeth, apprehension clear in his actions as he wonders what I will say next.

"So," he mirrors my words, his shaky voice matching my hands as I rest further into the cushions.

This isn't as so much uncomfortable as it is foreign. Though Auggie never revealed the latest news on his life, he never felt like he couldn't. I always wanted him to feel as though he could confide in me.

'I had sex'; Same, wanna borrow some condoms?

'I failed a test'; I dropped out, I'm proud of you for trying.

'I shot someone'; Jealous, wanna watch a movie?

No matter what Auggie did or what he may do in the future, I want him to feel as though I'm there, that I'll listen. I want to be the parent figure that I always wish I had.

"Are you okay?" I question cautiously, my voice barely above a whisper as I look at my baby brother. I lean forward, my hands closed together as I purse my lips to the side, the want to cry becoming stronger as I see how sad my brother looks.

Fuck, give all your sadness to me bubs, I'll take it.

"I'm okay," Auggie shrugs, his words sounding like he's trying to convince himself rather than me.

I hate how alike Auggie and I seem right now. His words feel all too familiar, like I've said this before to myself.

Newsflash, you have.

"Are you okay, bubs?" I press, standing to walk to his seated self on the couch as I sit next to him, enough room in between the both of us so he doesn't feel uneasy.

He lifts his head, his eyes knit with confusion before I place my hand on his back. My fingers rub light circles as I attempt to comfort him.

"You just asked me that."

A minuscule smile forms on my lips, "Mia always asks me twice, knows I'm usually lying the first time," I shrug, a breathy chuckle coming from Auggie as he sits back, his tired features in full view as his disheveled mop of curls hang on his forehead.