Welcome to My Life (Not Going to be finished...for now)

Chapter 1

I came to church today praying to see him. I've been this way for three almost four years now. Dragging myself out of bed hoping just to catch a glance of his perfect face. I was walking into the meeting hall where they hold coffee hour on the way to the choir room to get ready for the service. Thats when I saw him pretty brown eyes and all.

"Hey Noah!"

"Hey Nicole," he said with a huge smile on his face.

I walk up to him and say, "How are you doing?"

"I'm ok I had to babysit last night."

"Really, what happened?"

"Well, one kid was sucking on the dog's tail, while the other two took turns punching a mango."

I started laughing when he said, " Ya if I had a bandaid I would have patched up the poor mango but I didnt so i just said sorry and put it back it the fruit bowl." 

That set me off it would only happen to Noah. He certainly had a way with kids. One time while he was helping with the kids during the service a small boy threw a toy car at his head.

He laughed at seeing how much his story amused me. I love him so much. How can he not see that I'm dying inside knowing that he will propablly never be mine. 

I had to go and walked away to go get ready for the service. 

After the service I went to the youth loft and sat next to Noah. He put his arm around me and my heart skipped a beat. 

"Hey Nicole, we're alone on the couch together," I not kidding thats what he legitly said. I knew he was kidding but I blushed anyway. 

We continued like that flirting and laughing while I leaned into him feeling content. 

That was the day I decided to tell him. I didn't have enough courage to tell him to his face because what if he said he didn't like me . I just couldn't face it. 

When I got home I got on facebook and wrote him a message that read,

Dear Noah,

I have something to tell you and you might have already have figured it out but if you haven't here it goes. Noah, I have had the biggest crush on you for three years now. I tried to convince myself it was just a crush but it's not. I love the way you make me laugh and the way you laugh yourself. I know you are seeing someone and that you really like him but I just want you to tell him that you love me instead. I know that's selfish but it's how I feel. I've tried to hide it but I cant keep this to myself any more. I don't know if you feel the same way but I just wanted to let you know. I might have miss read the signs when you flirted with me but I liked it. I love it when you say the wrong things, or when you touch me even if you don't mean it that way. I was glad you came today and that you put your arm around me. I hope you feel the same way and if you don't try and be gentle; try not to break my heart because it has been yours for a while now. If you don't feel the same way just pretend this never happened so it can go back to the the way we were but if you do feel the same way tell me and I'll be yours forever. Don't tell me we are to far apart in age because my grandparents are 8 years apart and they have been happily married for over 50 years. If you feel the same way I really think we can make this work.

Love,                                                                                                                                                      Nicole 

Silly me though maybe he would like me but no two days later I got this,

It won't work. I can't be any more honest about it. I am breaking up with my bf, but please don't see it as a sign for us. I don't think it will work. Let's stay friends.

I cryed my heart out. I couldn't take it. I ran to my room, grabbed my razor and dragged it down my arm. I lyed in bed that night crying, watching the blood fall. It wasn't my first time. I had been doing it since the beggining of this year. I know in eighth grade most people are thinking about the semi formal or high school but here I was worrying about if I was gonna cut too deep. I don't want to die. I just kept telling myself that but deep inside my mind I was wondering if I really did. 

Stupid me read his message and thought he didnt really say that he didnt like me just that it wouldnt work so I sent him another message and our conversation went like this...

Nicole-hey noah you never answered my question though i asked if you liked me not if we would work can u just tell me that

Noah- As a friend, yes.

Nicole- Ok a girl can dream right?