I stared into the black of my now bitter coffee, the edges of the cup browned from sitting without reduction. It's contents now cold and no use to be drunk, I pushed it away. An exhausted sigh left my lips catching the attention of Lily, sitting across from my table. I no longer had the strength to remain platonic. Fighting myself for the past 5 years, I knew it was only a matter of time before she fully succumbed to my advances. Whether it was fair or not was neither my care nor my concern. To me, friends would always be friends.
It wouldn't matter what I said or did because she loved me regardless. She would never abandon me, I would always have her company, whether it be more intimate was all up to me. But, damn, I wanted her so bad.
"James what's wrong now? I've never known you to have nothing to say." Lily said, answering my sigh.
"I don't know." I said lying.
"Bullshit." She stared me down, calling my bluff.
She knew me so well. So concerned for my well being I think she would put her's aside for me. Deciding to avoid the topic all together I brought something I knew would make her uncomfortable.
"Alexa called me yesterday," I said, not looking up at her.
"Oh, and?" Lily said, her voice lower than a murmur.
"She wants to get back together, work things out. Says it's stupid to just give up when we never even tried."
"And is that what you want? To work things out?" Her words were cautious. Careful not to show too much emotion.
I knew I had already taken it too far but I loved edging her further; seeing how much she could take, pushing her buttons.
"I don't know what I want. Maybe she's right. What if we did rush into our relationship without fully understanding that we wanted to make it work?"
When Lily didn't respond I took that as a cue to continue, to really nip at her heart.
"I went into it just thinking she would be a side fling. That she would only be useful for nighttime entertainment. I had no idea she would develop feelings for me, and I think I'd be a idiot if I didn't at least see if we could be something more." I stopped my spiel, afraid I'd gone too far.
"But do you have any feelings for her?" She asked. Looking straight into my eyes, hoping I could give her the answer she longs desperately for.
"I think I might. How can I be sure?" Always testing her more.
Lily looked nervous, her teeth rolled her top lip and her eye lashes fluttered. Her tell was easy among most. She wanted a response to give her hope. So she was going to ask a question that I would have to be half-truthful with.
"Can you see yourself being with anyone else? Is she the only person you have feelings for?" Her voice was low but firm. Knowing the answer could come with reward or consequence.
"I know I'm into her, but I've never thought I'd pick someone to commit with right away. I always figured I'd become super close buds with a girl and then in the future things would click."
"Sure."
"You know what I mean right?" I held her eyes longer than my question would require to offer hope, which she instantly accepted.
Her gaze lowered to her hands, teeth rolling her lip, she reached out and put one hand atop mine on the table.
"Don't stress, I'm sure you'll figure it out eventually." She kept our eyes locked and for a moment it was if we were dating and a wave of contentment splashed over us. So natural and easy. I could stay here forever.
"So what should I tell her in the meantime while I sort out my head?" I asked her.
"I don't know James but you can't just leave her hanging. It hurts." My name on her lips sounded so sincere, but the full meaning of her words were doubled.
Lily turned back to her book work while I picked at the remnants of my stale coffee cake. In all honesty, Alexa meant nothing to me. I told her the deal and terms were accepted. I remember the night we met.
Lily and I had gone to a house party at one of our bud's lake homes. Wild like usual, but a strange oddity had transpired this particular night. Mason, a mutual friend, had invited his college brother down from the campus for the weekend and they decided to collide keggers. It was packed with drunkards, and loose women. Doe and I had started off in the kitchen, then the normal routine. We started with a couple shots of vodka with the party's host and while he introduced us to a couple of his brother's friends. One had taken particular interest in my Doe. He wasn't as drunk as the rest of the party's attendees. He was leaning Doe into a counter, talking into her ear. She giggled at what he said and gave a flirtacious shove at his shoulder.
I didn't know if I should break them up or leave. I had no claim over her, and maybe it was better for her fixation to be on someone else. I continued to stare from across the room when my friend Anthony tapped me on my shoulder, or at least had meant to but he was so intoxicated it was more of a lazy slap. His words were all smushed together but I made out what he said, "You know man, I told you to hit that freshman year. Now this college guy has a polished spot for her on his belt and she's taking the bait." His breath was rancid.
I flung him away and stormed to the kitchen, grabbed the biggest bottle of vodka and sat by the lake. It was nice to be alone, to clear my head.
(I would have liked to complete this short story, but the James of my life who took a part of my heart also took the ending to this story. And as much as I'd like it back, they've crushed it. Doe ends up searching for love and purpose, and James settles for an "Alexa" who moved all the way from California to be with him. They live happily ever after.)
