Thoughts, ramblings and contemplations

Aftermath

Every stride at a time. Every step is equal to the last and the next. Every shadow falls in love with the figure breaking the light. No excuses that we haven't heard before. No possibility we haven't dreamed of before.
No move too sudden, no demon to be fed. The guilt is a well known friend. The pain that I gave is your gift to me. Suffering with a smile. However... isn't that ironic? No life matters more than the exposure. The sensation that something is missing, some details are wrong. Down in this hole, the lost souls turn into art and culture. Masterfully created paintings of blood, piss and tears. Oh our sorry pasts and desolation ahead. Oh the pity. The questions... the only thing... so if we could find a way... at least one good reason?!
I am tired
Yet so awake
I lack the talent to communicate my problems
effectively
I have to admit that I have the impression that nobody ever listens
Perhaps it's not the others.
Perhaps it's that I fail to speak in a language that can be understood
My problems seem to be too complex and complicated to be forwarded in a few minutes
My mind is a terrible fractal image
I am alone in the dark
Aren't we all?
So I accepted madness and Despair
Better than boredom
Okay.
Here we go again
Alone in the middle
Foreign in this shell
Pull it together, whiny bitch
Still better than boredom....

The cool of morning before another day of heat has come. I sit beneath the window and take in the broad panorama. Breathe the fresh, dew pregnant air. Meditate. Silent bright spectacle around me. Aroused reach forward fills every inch of the momentum in hiatus. The wave in slow motion time-lapse. Senescence and incarnating increation. Different page in the same book. Abstract and beautiful. This is the daytime blues of the struggle for domination.

I am lucky
I live a life way better than I thought I would
I have all I need and more
details
All beauty
I'm not in the position to complain
I even create
I develop
I grow
I learn
I rise
I own a paradoxical paradise
Beyond my imagination
I am the true meaning of succeeding
In anything I would want
Yet... but...
Yes I am happy
But driven
Never satisfied
Impertinently human
Imperative to improve
Impatient to grow
Yet... to never arrive
My greatest fear...
To have nothing to grow towards
No sun to look up to
Human being that I am supposed to be...
In the name of all that is not named...     I had a dream of washing the mud from my mind. I almost forgot about it...
I remembered tonight. I remember how.
I hear you breathe calmly next to me in the darkness. I didn’t look but I found... realisation dissolved under my tongue with a slight metallic taste.... I am home again. Finally I understand. I smell the Petrichor after the rain... I remember your name. I am grateful for the lack of need.