Save My Soul

I Just Missed You [6]

6. I Just Missed You

I don’t know where I'm going or what I'm going to do. I stop at the corner of the street, looking all around me, gasping for air, feeling sick.

What have I done?

I see Lillian’s face again in my head, her big, beautiful eyes, and I hear her saying “I wish she was” when she was asked if I was her daughter, and I want to throw up. I finally have someone like a mother, something like a family, and I’ve ruined it. I’ve ruined it!

“Lizzie! Oh, Lizzie, sweetheart, don’t run away!” I turn and see Lillian running up, her face so full of anxious worry that instead of bolting, I hang on the edge of the sidewalk, one foot on the street, one foot on the sidewalk, and she catches up to me, flinging her arms around me. “Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry!” She presses my head so that it’s nestled in the curve of her shoulder, her other hand gripping me around the back, as if afraid I’ll tear away from her.

I feel tears fill my eyes. I grip her back, and give a little choked cry.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it, I’m sorry,” I sob into her cardigan, the scent of her flowery perfume like a slap to the face because I’ve lost her, I must have lost her, she’ll never see me the same. “I’ve ruined everything, I didn’t mean it, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

“Shh, shh,” Lillian sounds close to tears herself, her hand running down the length of my hair, her fingers tangling in the locks. “Oh, honey, don’t say that. You have nothing to apologize for! You haven’t ruined anything, I promise. Oh you poor, sweet girl, you poor, sweet girl.” Now I know she’s crying, cradling me like I’m a baby, rocking me against her.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I keep saying in a shaking voice, and I sound like a broken record, but I can’t stop. “I’m sorry.”

“Shh, shh.” Lillian says, rubbing my hair. “It’s okay, sweetie, it’s okay.”

I stare fixedly through a film of tears at the store across the street, the passerbys strolling by, looking over with expressions of dumb wonder, the cars rushing past; and slowly, my eyes clear. Lillian takes me under her arm and draws me down to a nearby bench.

I stare at my shoes, subdued. My face is red, my eyes sting; I run one hand up and down my thigh, in a sort of nervous tic. Lillian sits next to me, her arm around my shoulders, and for a few minutes, she doesn’t speak.

“I am really sorry,” I say finally, in a small, aching voice, and she looks over at me. Her eyes are red, her cheeks flushed, and I suddenly feel the cold in the air; I feel a fresh wave of shame. My little meltdown dragged her out here. I did this, too.

She straightens up, taking my hand in one of hers, and says, “Look at me, Lizzie.”

I do, reluctantly. She squeezes my hand.

“Sweetheart, you have nothing to apologize for.”

“Yes, I do,” I say, remembering Jamie, how shocked Jim looked, how upset it made Lillian when he had his outburst. I bite my lip. “I ruined your meal, and I got you out here in the cold, I said horrible things…”

“Oh, Lizzie. It was our fault for badgering you. Obviously, this is a sensitive subject, and I should have recognized that sooner. It’s us who owe you the apology.” I look down, shaking my head. She jostles my wrist. “We were only asking because we care about you, Lizzie. We do,” she says when I look up at her in disbelief. “I know we’ve only known each other a few days, but sweetheart, you already mean so much to me!” Tears spring to my eyes. “God put our family next to yours so that we could meet. I have no doubt of that… Honey, you don’t know the amazing blessings He has for your life. I just want you to realize how special you are, how important, and how wonderful.” Her hand releases mine and touches my chin, lifting it so that I meet her gaze. Her eyes are full, swimming with tears. “Lizzie, you mean so much to me. Can’t you believe that?”