Into The Rabbit Hole & All It's Sinful Delight

Chapter 9

Chapter 9 I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar!

Before I jump into everything that's been going on since the last time we met, I feel like there's just something I have to get off my chest first...

'Would any one of you mind telling me what the actually FUCK is Really going on with me here? Lost for words? It's fine..I'll wait..'

This is the only question I've been asking myself now for almost a week! But, I haven't gotten any clarity on it yet, and as the days pass the worse these feelings are getting for me!

You see, when Mel and I left the club Saturday night I felt incredible. Even changed on a much deeper, basic level within myself. Like I was this new person who knew the key to a successful life. All because I let myself go, and submitted to whatever will happen with steel determination.

But, all of those bubbly, happy feelings evaporated into the cloud of smoke they were built out of as soon as my head hit my pillow that night! When I woke up early Sunday morning I felt this burning embarrassment radiating from deep in my core. I didn't know where the feeling was coming from, or why it was even there in the first place. I was completely okay with what happened at the club. I actually had a blast, and couldn't wait for the next month. But, try as I might, I couldn't get rid of the damn feeling, and it only seemed to get worse!

I didn't leave my little make-shift room at all Sunday. Instead I chose to hide away from everyone as much as I could, and I even made sure to leave a full two hours before anyone else was awake Monday morning. I couldn't deal with either of the girls' millions of questions I knew they had for me.

When Mel started blowing my phone up with calls and text that afternoon I managed to hold her for the time being with total bullshit excuses. First with fake school work, like an imaginary term paper. I didn't tell her I'd been kicked out of school yet. After a while I couldn't bring myself to keep up the lie, so eventually I regulated myself to hiding away inside the New York City Library all the time.

Well, that is until one of the employees asked me to leave. I stop walking and shudder at the thought!

Hey now! I know what you're thinking, but don't judge me! For any girl like me, who's never been in trouble a day in her life, it can be a little intimidating having some big, sneering, brute of a man, man-handle you. Without giving a single care of concern for the reasonably vocalized objections you are voicing. While said brute is politely escorting you out of the public library! Can be scary and traumatizing for anyone! Well, at least it was five minutes ago when it happened to me!

As I slowly walk the hour and a half back to the apartment I let my mind go back to doing the only thing it can, worry. The library has become my one place of solitude every night as I pour over every detail that went on Saturday night, but now that I can't go back I feel even more lost! I feel like I'm being split right down the middle!

On one side, my brain keeps whispering how wrong it is to let so many people willingly touch me. How sick it is that I actually got OFF on the things they were doing to my body, or how shamelessly I vocalized my pleasure. Plus adding to the shame by reminding me how disappointed my mother would be with me if she were to ever find out about what I did.

Like I really need a reminder of that! I blow out a frustrated breath at the thought. Kicking a pebble as I turn down another street.

But, thankfully I have my newfound baby demon on my other shoulder telling me to fuck everybody, and what they think! I'm my own free woman! That can, and will, do whatever the damn well she pleases! The little demon's voice isn't as loud as the goody-two-shoes side, but now that she's out in the real world, she ain't going back in the darkness quietly!