An Evil Addiction

An Evil Addiction - Chapter 3

Faye hit her fists against the bed. She had woken up crying from a bad dream again. She loved but equally hated going to bed. She loved the fact that she could make herself feel happy, but once that feeling had disappeared, she felt alone and depressed. The tears fell from her eyes and hit the sheets. Most of the time, she couldn't even remember the dream; she just knew she was crying and felt  alone.

She hated the fact that when she was on her own, there was no one to distract her from her own thoughts. The thoughts on why she cuts. Why they kept fueling her need to bring those scissors to her skin. There was a few things.

She hated her body and she had no confidence in herself. She saw herself as an ugly, overweight person who should look like everyone else so then she could be 'perfect'. She wasn't good enough. She felt ashamed that people had to look at her disgusting face. The mirror made her feel worse. She tried to avoid them, but no matter how much she tried, she always turned to them. Lifting up her shirt and revealing the ugliness hidden underneath. There were times where she'd be happy with her appearance, feeling thin and looking pretty. But as the day progressed, Faye looked much worse, or so she thought.

Her family called her a washboard. That her body was horrible. That the way her bones stuck out were disgusting, she needed more weight on her. But Faye was terrified of putting another pound on. If it was up to her, she'd never eat. But her parents made her eat full meals which just made her feel even worse. Sometimes, she'd wish that she would just waste away. Everyone would be happier that way, it'd be easier.

Another reason would be the arguments. The arguments she caused. Faye didn't mean to cause arguments, she just said and did the wrong things without realising. Her parents often argued over her. She got in moods regularly, where she'd feel low and sit and ignore everyone around her. Her dad would shout at her for being miserable, his booming voice making her feel even more unwanted. Then her mum would shout at her dad for being horrible and nasty. Then they wouldn't talk for days.

Or arguments with the person she loved. They were the worst. She felt like such an idiot, a useless idiot. The silly mistakes she made hurt everyone around her. They argued, she cut. They argued about her cutting, she cut again. It was a massive circle, happening over and over. Why couldn't Faye stop this silly attention seeking thing? Why couldn't she stop to save her relationship, to keep the best person in her life? She was letting them down. She made promises to stop, but the next day there would be a new cut. They were slowly filling up her arms and she loved it. She shouldn't love it but she couldn't help not loving it.

Another reason was her friends. Her ex friends. The ones who seemed to change completely in a couple of months. The ones who seemed to cause problems just for their own entertainment. They spread rumours, told people her private secrets. Each day brought a new problem. She was drowning in them. They were being piled on top of her, crushing her body. The only way to stop herself from drowning and being crushed was to release the stress and anger. That all came out with the blood from each cut.

 Although Faye knew there were many ways to release her anger, she couldn't bring herself to do them or even try them. What was the point? There were already marks, she'd done it before, nothing bad would happen. She felt worthless, but her scissors wanted her.