Meeting Marshall Mathers: The Relapse Era

Chapter 16

"Chuck me a fuckin' bone here Jodie, goddamn" he shook his head and ran his hand to the back of his neck,

"It's too soon, and you should respect my feelings as well as your own" My voice fell to a whisper as my brain tuned out, my eyes focused on nothing, my thoughts blank. I felt my legs start to move beneath me as tears surfaced and my breaths sharpened,

"No you fuckin' don't" his call didn't sound angry, more broken as he chased me to the door,
"Jodie don't do this to me! Not again!" he pleaded as he ran in front of me, holding me away from the door,
"Why're you doing this?!" He clasped my face with both hands and desperately pleaded at me, I couldn't answer him, only tears reacted to his tone as they fell onto his hands,
"Jodie don't look away" his hand went through my hair,
"I fucking.. I need you" his voice was filled full of emotion as it broke,

"I'm 24... This is too much for me... Tracy was right" I looked down as his hands dropped to my shoulders,

"Tracy?" His brows furrowed,

"She said I'd leave you again, she knows I can't handle this.. you"

"Can't handle me?"

"I can't... You can't even admit your addiction! What if you turn real bad and you overdose or..."

"YO WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!" He exploded, "Addiction?! A-fucking-diction! You think I'm a fucking addict?!!! That's why you don't want to do this?! AHH SHIT!!!!" He absolutely lost his mind,
"HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU STEP TO ME AND SAY THAT STUPID MOTHER FUCKING BULLSHIT AGAIN!" He gripped my arms and ran me up to the wall, slightly hitting the back of my head on impact
"I'M NO FUCKING ADDICT! I GOT KIDS!!" He shook and then he let go of me and started to back off
"I got... Kids" he vacantly repeated and collapsed onto the staircase, folding his arms over his knees, hanging his head. What little blood remained in my face I now felt drain away as I looked at him, I closed my eyes and softly felt the back of my head as the sharp throbbing pain stabbed at me,

"If you go back on tour this will kill you" I sneered in disgust at his outbreak on me,
"You need help"

"YO QUITE OBVIOUSLY YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I NEED!"

"You need me!! Because I'm the only one you can take this out on!! I won't stand by watching someone slowly kill themselves and not be aloud to reach out to people to help the person that I am in love with because he's to ashamed and guilty of what he's become! Which is a fucking monster!!" He didn't answer me,
"You seem to think whisking me off to Hawaii will make me forget everything we've argued over with this as the main topic. Yi can't just blindfold me and expect me to jump. IF you get help then I will stand by and help you along with the support, I'll be there throughout EVERYTHING with you, but I refuse to keep quiet any longer! Playing with you and Hailie and Alaina today meant so much to me, and I can't let myself watch you do this to yourself when you have a family who adore you, I don't want to be the one who everyone blames at the funeral, points their fingers at and say's 'she was with him why didn't she do or say something! Why didn't she notice?!'"

"I pop a few fucking benzos I'm not scoring heroin! I'm not smoking crack! You're goin on like I'm killing myself, the fuck are you crazy?! You don't know shit about the shit I take! Does it make me a bad fucking person? Does it make me a bad father? Does it put my kids in danger?! The fuck it does! It's helping me, I need rest, I need to have the damn energy and if I can't sleep I don't get that! But you don't get it do you Jodie? Nah, you think that I'm popping shit like candy 'cause I can, that ain't the fucking deal, I take that shit 'cause my sleep.. my brain depends on it. Don't you think I've tried fighting it sober?! It's impossible!! I'd like ANY motherfucker to be in my shoes, go preform to 80 thousand and try to sleep on that adrenaline after being in front of the stage lights and the music for 2 hours straight! Then when you do sleep it's broken 'cause you're constantly waking up, your body won't rest, your brain works over and over, you can't shut it down 'cause the material it's producing could be the next big thing, you worry about your kids at home, you miss the people you love so you think about them, then before you know it your back on the road, broken sleep on the jets and the coaches, but you have to have the energy to do rehearsals, do interviews and then bounce around on stage for another 2 hours so the only thing you can do is down some Ex then your wide awake, the adrenaline has put you on another level and it's all goes round into one big fucking circle! Now tell me if you think maybe I need some aids to help me get that sleep?!"