This Town

022

(tw: mentions of abuse, self  harm and suicidal thoughts)

princey was asleep, i had pretended to fall asleep so at least one of us could get some good night sleep. i got up and went into the bathroom, the light nearly blinding me as i turned them on. i turned the water on and splashed some water on my face, there was no point of going back to sleep so i might as well wake myself up. ugh look at me, i look like a mess. well at least i looked better than before.

the bags under my eyes are gone, and so are the black eyes. my cheeks aren't as hallow, but they're still skinny as fuck. you can't see hand prints on my neck either, maybe a few hickeys here and there buts that's all. i looked down at my hands, no more bloody or bruised fist either. what about my arms? and my thighs, shoulder and stomach? yeah those look the same. maybe i look fine on the outside but on the inside i'm not okay.

after years of fucking abuse of course i'm not okay. i can acknowledge that my life is good now, but it just feels weird. i feel weird enjoying it. i can't help but think that maybe i don't deserve this, that maybe i don't deserve any of this. maybe i don't deserve to live. i've lived with this mentality since forever, but it has only resurfaced because of those six months. the six months i didn't eat, the six months princey wouldn't really acknowledge me, the six months i had nightmare after nightmare of being beaten to the pulp. i had.. i guess relapsed you could say.

i ducked down and looked at the cabinet under the sick, i looked for the little box i hid. it was still there, untouched and unnoticed. i was about to open the box but stopped. i had to see something before i did. i stood up and took of my sweater. i was shirtless underneath except for the scars that covered my body. my wrist, my arms, my stomach, hell you could even see part of my hip. they were all covered in scars, that's why i never let princey see me undressed. if they were old scars then yeah he could see me undressed, but they're not old. they're new. i don't know how he would react to them.

as i looked over them, tracing my finger over each one of them. i got so used to the pain that i long for it now. i looked down at the box and thought about it. is this a good idea? maybe not but my existence isn't a good idea either. i opened the box and examined the little blade. i shouldn't do it, but at the same time i should. i deserve this don't i? each cut is for each kid that got left behind, because i was chosen over them. each cut if for every year i was on the isle. each cut was for each hit i received, for all the yelling and the things thrown at me. by the end, i had blood dripping off of my wrist on to the sink. i turned the water on and let it get rid of the water.

i went and sat in the bathtub as i let the scars bleed. i am a fucking mess. i should be grateful and appreciate life, but i can't. i've tried, i have been trying so hard but after a while pretending to be happy gets exhausting. i don't have anyone to talk about it to either. i know princey said i can talk to him, but this could really hurt our relationship. i mean if he sees me like this he's going to think i'm a freak. he's going to get mad that i've been hiding it from him, or he's going to laugh and dump me. i know he's not like that, but i can't help thinking it. how would i even start that conversation? oh hey princey, remember how i told you i was being abused? yeah well that shit really got to me and i'm a huge fucking mess.

there's times where i feel like i want to unload on him. on the isle, i also admitted that i was scared to be back only because of mothers abusive boyfriend. i almost admitted that i continued to cut myself too. the night of the cotillion, i had gotten up and cried in the bathroom as i thought about what had happened. i blamed myself for umas actions, and i thought about what i would've done if princey was actually in love with mal. i know i was probably overreacting but it made me feel so worthless.

worthless, i hate that feeling. seeing princey with mal made me feel so fucking worthless. i thought that if he didn't want me then no one would. i almost fucking killed myself, that's how fucking worthless i felt. i mean he just 'dumped' me like i was nothing and didn't really acknowledge me. it just reminded me of how he treated me, i can't even bring myself to say his name or else i'd really drive myself off of a cliff. i remember one time princey walked in on me crying and instead of asking what was wrong, he got his stuff and left. he left to go be with mal. i remember feeling like i was drowning, i walked into the bathroom and hit the wall so many times i broke my hand. i ended up in the nurses office as she looked for something to help me, some potion or whatever. i came back to the room to find princey and mal kissing on my bed. i felt like i was drowning yet again. she quickly left and princey ignored me. he didn't even apologize for being on my bed. that night i was so ready to just end it all, but i didn't. i don't know what stopped me, but something i regret it.